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Thursday, December 1, 2011

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

Sunday, November 20, 2011

love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

Friday, November 11, 2011

p.s you are the bad guy... but someone has to be...

I finally got to watch 'Easy A' this week and I have to admit it was a really good watch, other than the fact that I related with the main character(Emma Stone really did that part justice), it really did highlight on a lot of crucial issues that most teens go through(yes, I'm allowed to call myself a teen.. :D) ..... Anyway, I've never really felt like I was normal and fit, which I see right now as a good thing, who really want to be a mindless drone whose only mission is to bow under the pressure of commercialism and capitalism... but I didn't always feel that way, as in come on, it's far much easier to grow up feeling like part of something that trying to be be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, and boy was I different. The only thing that's changed is that individualism is cool and hip now so I actually fit in.... 

Glad that's over.. :)

Not entirely, so I have friends now who like me for me but relationship wise, the further you stray from the norm the less likely you are to find someone who'd take you as you are, and trust me, I am whey off the projected path... Anyway, I left you all at a crucial juncture in my relationship and as the days passed and got nearer to D- Day I actually realised that I was being an ignorant fuck, as in really Dreamer, if any of your friends pulled a stunt like this you'd have given then the lengthiest speech about self worth and keeping one's dignity(which some of my friends gave but I ignored because well, I like seeing how things work out) till they gave in. Took me a while figure out that it wasn't really going to end well because:

Monday, November 7, 2011

as things begin to settle down.. *breaths*

It's been three days since I gave them "time" to figure out whether or not they really wanted to be in the relationship.............. As expected, no communication whatsoever unless provoked and I frankly feel like if they really wanted to be in it they'd at least a show a little morsel of emotional attachment... 
As in come on??? 
Thought about breaking up with them once or twice over the weekend, wouldn't that be the easy way out? They wouldn't have to make up a silly excuse for breaking up with me then we'd both move on, somehow... Still don't get the whole situation though.. I know, why must I always make sense of it all... Three word, peace of mind... I'm one of those people who will literally make a mountain of a mole hill unless I get the facts straight... Hihihihi! Inside joke, anyway....... Uhm! where was I? facts straight, right.. In this case, I feel like we reversed roles and so I'd equate my past feelings and thoughts to his at the moment making the diagnosis for this relationship terminal, It's just my thoughts, not my actual feeling towards the situation which would be holding on to it all for dear life because honestly why start something with the hope of seeing it grow and back out at the slight sight of impending doom. In my own opinion doom is impending in all situations, c'est la vie. Mmh! Makes sense, don't it? So why the cold feet? Wait! I can't question the reason frankly because I'm not them but I can't get over the fact that they kept bringing up the possibility of all these bad stuff that would definitely not leave our relationship unscaved in their wake sort of like it had already happened and I was just too blind to see it or that they were just too chicken to tell me because they felt they'd hurt my feelings, well I'm sorry to say honesty doesn't hurt my feelings, it's logical, lies on the other hand will definitely leave a mark. It's all speculations, I'll just give them the time I offered hoping that my patience will last that long.
What did I get myself into?

Friday, November 4, 2011

you have got to be kidding me....

I must be part of the worst cosmic joke of the century because.....c'mon how can I have the best birthday month of all time followed by a shit load of random stupid events that literally want to drain me of my humanity....
October saw me doing a lot of things but I generally don't like talking about myself especially when it's all positive cz somewhere inside it feels like bragging101 and I'm just not that guy, hence the silence... Anyway, everything seems to be crashing down on my head and I feel like buying a gun and going after father time for this practical joke he calls life cz what the fuck!!.
So, when I left you all my relationship was all hunky dory, fact is, it's not... Thanks to karma I'm in the same situation I was in 9 months ago, only this time the shoes on the other foot... Yup, you got it, I'm the stable mature one and he practically has the coordinates for this relationship set to destruction... Part of the reason I even wanted to be in this damn relationship is because I had found the first imperfectly perfect person I'd ever liked. Let me expound on that,

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

birthday month... *psyched*

It's 2am in the morning and I'm up this late partly because I was watching episodes 305 through 309 of Bleach- I'm a sucker for anime- and mainly because I'm slightly pressed.. hihihi! I can't go to sleep on a full bladder, I could but It'd be the epitome of discomfort.. Anyway, enough about my bladder.. It's finally birthday month and I have no idea what to do.... Typical, I set the whole month aside for my enjoyment with nothing planned, well you call it 'the lack of planning' and I say 'I shall let the force of randomness take me wherever it may'. I'm not quite sure this will be a great idea this year since last year tanked some other designs, I'm glad I didn't end up dying of boredom................

So, i think I'll play it safe this year and do a little light planning... 

*stares at screen*

Well, lets see.....

*engages check list*

 there's the combined birthday drink fest happening this Thursday... woohooo!!!! I'll be on water till then..  

✔ there's my birthday day party with all my friends and family... I'm trying not to be in the loop with this one but mother dearest keeps trying to forcefully share the load. My excuse however is that I help plan everyone else's down to cake selection so i think it'd be fun not to have to worry about my own birthday party preparations........... but it'd be a shame for me to let her do the work... Wish ??I could pawn off my helping her out as my birthday present to her.. *I wish*

there's the surprise get together with beau........ trust me, with my general lack of expectations I'd be happy sharing ice-cream in a park....... *note to beau-> should not be taken seriously*

there's the trip out of the country I'll be taking soon, I'll take that as a gift from the universe for all that crap it's laid on me all my life... ha! experience my foot........ I'll be sure to shop when I can.......

  there's beau's birthday... crap! can't believe I'll miss that but I'm certain they'll enjoy what I have planned for them... they deserve it.. :D *thinks*

this is harder than I thought....... *goes back to drawing board*

there's my vow to be less lazy..... didn't quite start  on the right foot today but I'm sure that tomorrow will be better.... *50shs I won't be up by 9am tomorrow* ....

 there's also the hope that the universe won't screw me over this month finding myself at home unaware of all the fun people are having out there........ But seeing how the month has started there's hope.. Got to go out with friends and celebrate a friend's birthday.. It's always fun to be around close friends or people you can be yourself around.... Went for the Safaricom Classical Fusion Concert  and I must say It was whey better than last years.. I'd expect so but they outdid themselves........ I think it may also have had something to do with the crowd........... It's always fun when you have friends around..........

  there's some little stuff like keeping true to my cause and going pass this insane fear of failure I have....... It's terrible, it's the one thing stopping me from getting my drivers licence and turning all these ideas I have into reality..... See now this where I actually pat religion on the back because no matter how iffy their grounds on most of life's issues, it actually has a plan, even if it's nested in the vague phrase, 'you're in God's plan' but it's a plan nonetheless.... sigh! guess turning that fear into a strength will be this years main priority because it's turning out to one major roadblock........ *snap out of it*

This looks to have the potential of being a really awesome birthday month..

                                           ......... *crosses fingers* .......

Monday, September 26, 2011

A tribute to Professor Maathai

She was one of the few women in politics with balls the size of elephant heads, Martha Karua included, who I have always admired both as a environmental activist as well as a political one. She was one of the few people I related to in her struggle in trying to make human understand that the earth has a say too going as far as striping bare in an attempt to protect it.She shall forever be part of myself and many others.

I still remember a story I heard her say one day about a forest fire and a little hummingbird. The bird came across the fire and tried extinguishing it by bringing a few drops of water to it. I will be a hummingbird and do the best I can to help our planet.

R.I.P, Professor Wangari Maathai

Sunday, September 25, 2011

just when i thought i had changed turns out i didn't

I thought I was growing and learning to be one of all of y'all, people who reside in the bubble..... But I can't...... I'm sorry , that shit be fake.....
Fashion?? Really??? Because when we wear clothes that are 'in fashion' we'll be transported into the world of the wanted and needed????????????? FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!! Develop a cure for stupid then maybe I'll give you the time of day........... *breathes*
I'm sorry, I'm tied of conforming.. It's a lot of hard work and costs a lot of money... A closet half filled with clothes I will never wear and hours wasted away trying to fit into a society that is as fake as Pam De Beaufort in True Blood Season 4 when the witch casts a rotting spell on her and she needed four shots four times a day of some drug to keep her face from falling off.. I CAN"T!!!! I can't fit in and I can't be someone I'm not just to have a false sense of community....... *empties closet of clothes never to be worn*............. Now that that's done with I can move on to the matter at hand, CHANGE!!!
I've talked about change before but really never did do anything about it........ but I didn't know how to react so It's allowed.... But it's true a couple things have changed since then as well and I'll be covering the top ten changes in my life over the past year before my birthday...

1. I fell in 'nudge'
Let me explain........ Well, it's not really like but not really love as well... it's like limbo.. feeling portions of both emotions at once .... 
This is the first time I've liked someone who I didn't have to change jack for, be it my disposition or even my morals. They take 'loving you for who you are' to a whole new level... My insecurities and transgressions have been laid bare and they liked me even more??? Seems like the perfect person, aye?? WRONG!!! And thank the universe for that, but what I can say is that they're 'perfectly imperfect" and that's fine with me because I nudge them imperfections and all-haven't seen those though but i'm keeping my eyes open-........ 
But most importantly they make me smile=happy=not sulky and that was top on my list... If experience has taught me anything it is that I shouldn't confuse a relationship with seimis twin status. 'NEEDY MUCH???' would suffice in this case..... I finally have someone I want to be with and I'm planning on how to keep them... Now that's change right there.... *they're calling* :D Motivation indeed... *inside joke*

2. I can't stand bitchy any more...
It just hit me that I can't digest the whole bitchy vibe... I think my system just got tired of all that negative energy coursing through my skin like radiation causing little cankerous cells that'll end up killing all the light in my aura making me a spiralling vortex of darkness whose sole purpose is to constantly dish out negative energy only leading in the cycle repeating itself....  Need I say more... *puts patients in quarantine till bitchiness is eradicated* In other words my threshold just broke so jipange........... :P

3. I'm making an effort to be more open and honest to the people in my life
I've always said my upbringing played a big part in my tendency to lie pathologically and seem a tad closed off.. I guess I understand how it can be misconstrued as being mistrustful... Took a while to open up and my inability to know what i feel at any given moment wasn't helping but I think after i realised people need to know what I feel it got easier......... My perceptions had to change from viewing it as 'keeping it all to myself' to 'withholding my opinions and feelings from others'... All of a sudden that old quote' 'No man's an island' doesn't seem as stupid as it did....

#to be continued...... I can't be arsed to go on... *sleeps*

Saturday, September 24, 2011

my bubble burst.. hope yours does too

I'm under this assumption that people in Nairobi live in a modern bubble, deluding themselves with commercialism and the idea of being ultramodern. I feel so estranged when I meet my extended family to the point that I want to slap my mother and grandparents for depriving me with the right to know my own tribes language in the sake of being modern. The idea just annoys me. Since when was it logical to give up culture and tradition *when i say tradition i mainly mean language and family history* for western ways. I mean come on!!!! They're the west, there's the east and we are smack dab in the middle, the cultured ones. The ones who came from nothing to something in under 200 years. well, i think we came from something to nothing. Sometimes I wonder if we even are on the right track........
I mean the industrial revolution may have very well costed us our planet....... I've been reading on Buddhism and it makes a lot of sense... I think some way along there line we lost touch with what it means to be human.... Ask anyone now what it really means to live a good life and compare it with what our ancestors strived for.... See what i mean?? For a person living in the modern bubble mundane things like internet, alcohol, fashion and commercialism are actually moving up to the needs list.... As in come on???? Starving yourself to buy an item of clothing the size of my left butt cheek??? Really???? because it'll increase your quality of life??? BULLOCKS!!!!! I wouldn't be as pissed if we were more eastern.... I actually understand why China has all these restrictions on western culture and influence... The allure of freedom..... Yes, I said allure...
What is freedom anyway?? The ability to all you want when you want? Like a rape a poor defenceless woman and not have to worry about paying for your crimes?? No.... Then what is it? The entitlement of certain rights that are awarded through moral and ethical scrutiny???? Sounds good, don't it?? Well, I agree it does on paper but in reality morality and ethics have been torn to shreds by corruption, the modern social disease... I mean how do people who can't even move a car let alone drive it end up with driving licences in this country leading to the numerous accidents we've seen on tv..... So, i failed my first driving lesson... BOOHOO!!! I can always retake it, no biggie but the fact that I got canned while complete morons who don't know the difference between the ass and theri noses got theirs... Where's the limit I say??? That was the limit.... My bubble burst and I hit the ground hard. All these years I thought that hard work and honesty, things that make you a 'good person' morally and ethically, would get me ahead....... HA!!! Guess that's what happens when you have an old soul, thinking that old rules apply to new times... Things have changed alright.... What happened to us? When did it stop being about us, the human race and become about me, the selfish bastard that can leave garbage strewn across the planet at it's demise, for the world is my toilet eternally glued to my arse..... UTTER RUBBISH!!!
Human beings are a virus.......Rid the world of humans and nature will florish, fill it with humans and all you get is endless shit piles of junk we don't need but want and that will inevitably will us out of existence..... *breathes* See why I almost turned Buddhist... I mean with academic inflation and recessions what else will we be left with unemployed learned oafs who sit on their bums all day wishing they were dead.. I'd rather be finding narvana and exploring my spirituality, blocking all this pollution from my system in the process.......................
I mean really with all these things racing through my head how am I supposed to fit in?? Never did and never really will.... "Don't think about all that stuff, Dreamer, think about your life.. education.. marriage....all those bills you are going to you could end up losing your job because you don't agree morally with they're values... FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!!" .... *leaves home and joins a monastery... or at least plans to*

Sunday, September 18, 2011

stuck in a rut like a really broke brat

I feel like what took place yesterday has offset my thinking. You know how you're not supposed to swim when you've just eaten - accept the premise no matter how flawed - well i shouldn't sort out matters of the heart when I'm clouded with emotions..... My best friend practically feel off the face of the planet after we had a little spat yesterday. I can take raging texts, unfriending on social networks, bad mouthing to other friends about how I'm such an innate blob or even physical confrontation but silence, that's the straw that broke the camels' back.. I have no idea what i did or what exactly i didn't do... I'm stuck, unable to move like a painting hung upon a wall. I'd wanted to go on about how wonderful the person i met was and pretty much try to talk myself out of dating them because i feel like i don't deserve them but sometimes it's not just about the persona..

first song that came to mind was coldplay's x&y.... my weak hand's my right one... all this typing is murder....

Trying hard to speak and fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction, so part of the plan
When something is broken and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, you can
I, dive in at the deep end, he become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, I can
You and me are floating on a tidal wave

sounds wey better sung.... *rethinks song choice*

Thursday, September 15, 2011

in love with the idea of love ... understatement of the century

where to start? I just got off a video chat with them....... and I'm scared shitless that I might like them......

I know what you're thinking? He spends all his time looking for the perfect person, settles, takes up his old standards, finds someone, realises they're taken, finds someone else, rushes in too fast, spooks them, runs home with his tail between his legs and when he finds someone who remotely fits his prerequisites, he wants to bail....
well, what else can I do? I'm afraid of love...... It looks all nice and perdy- that's how i pronounce the word 'pretty', deal with it-from the outside but inside its lovely exterior is a lot of hard work, communication and effort.........

why isn't love easy? ...........

why isn't love one of those things that is never that serious?......

1. Because it's always about who has the upper hand, who's in control....
no one wants to be at the mercy of their partner. no one wants to be pushed around and told what to do and have no choice but do it because they're in love.
Either that, or I've been in the worst relationships in history....

2. Because it hurts when it ends.....
or when it needs to end. the thoughts always there, 'i know it won't last forever so why bother?' 'i don't think being with them is the best thing for the both of us.....' then it starts.. the heartache, the yearning..... the feeling that your heart has literally swollen and aches for their love.... you're just left there, in pain, a love junkie.......... in withdrawal
Well, you could say, "Live in the present, Dreamer, there's no hope in thinking of tomorrow." but who am I kidding?? For someone who relishes the idea of living in the moment, I tend to plan a lot.... I just like knowing where things are going.

3. Because I never know if I really want to be in it half the time...
Is that how it's supposed to be? Is that fair? Being in a relationship half heartedly? Constantly waiting for something better? Is that fair to them?......
How do you know when they're the one or do you just wait it out as see where your chips may fall?.... Better luck next time if it doesn't work out? ...
Is love just one big gamble or am I just clueless???

4. Because you never know when your in love till you start to give a fuck..
Masala-hold the fries- knows this too well...... Love is one mean son of a gun, it'll find you anywhere you are, go against your better judgement and make you pay for inviting the idea into your head... And trust me, it's the happiest feeling, being in love, it's like someone chained your heart and now has sole possession over it. Whoever said love is freeing must have been high on mushrooms...

Come to think of it, am I too young to even think about love? Should I be out there enjoying the world in my youth trying to find balance and meaning in the world and block all this out?? ............

Maybe love isn't what I think it is.. Where's a manual when you need one.....
*goes to bed questioning his idea of love and relationships *

I write....

I write to organise my thoughts. 
My brain's a mess half the time and but it down on paper helps me see more clearly.

I write to ease my suffering.
My heart's full of emotions and my only instinct is to write.
'Put it all down, it'll ease your pain'
'Put it all down, it'll soon be over'
Put it all down, it'll all be well'

I write to remember
More often than not, my heart gets me into situations I've been in before so it's always good to have something to look back at for ideas.

I write to think
I know what you're thinking, 'doesn't he use his brain for that?' .. well, lets just say when I write  my thoughts flow out more easily

I write to inform
I write to show you my experiences so you can learn from them. Sharing my failures and triumphs so your journey down the road less travelled isn't as dicey as mine is and was.

I  write because I'm free...
Freedom is relative, I'll talk about that later when I've gathered more ammunition to blow your mind away... too much... *LQTM*

I write because it's the only thing I have control over
Beats trying to take over the world.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

my search for perfection..

I was just about done with blogger for the month, I had to face the fact that I didn't have any inspiration whatsoever during the month of August and that there was no way in all that is good in the world that it'd hit me right now when I really want to be in bed but alas! t'is the path the universe doth chosen for me... gosh! i sound like a raving lunatic.... so I better get this off my chest fast so I can be in bed by 1am... what? I love my sleep............ *attempts to save the situation by starting another paragraph*
My search for love could very well have been flawed from the beginning, yes, I'm admitting that I may actually have been wrong, okay! not entirely but wrong nonetheless.... I'll use the same principle we use in school, bad foundation = unstable building = inevitable collapse .. In my case, the building's collapsed a couple dozen times without even one thought put into the foundation.... an initial thought... that maybe, just maybe I'll find the perfect person........ 
I have to admit that is flawed reasoning right there, took me a while too. The constant badgering from my father to lower my standards and my mother's relentless efforts at finding the reason behind my 'situation'. I thought most parents would be happy to see their son focusing on the far more important issues that chasing tail round the town, I thought wrong........ or maybe it was the fact that i described myself as 'asexual' to get them off my back that's gotten them worried.... I honestly can't be arsed.. anyway, it all made sense a couple of minutes ago.
I'm not perfect so why should any other person be any different, right? I can't be on time for most appointments to save my life and I am probably the worst dancer on the face of the planet... *tries the electric slide to prove the point* so what? It only makes me human....... 
So why do I find it difficult to accept other people's faults? .. it's simple... I can accept them, it's just that my idea of 'perfection' isn't along the line of flawlessness - gosh! i think i made that up.. *adds entry to personal dictionary next to 'thingum'*- but shares the same light as compatibility.... 
I could very well be looking for a version of myself to date... came pretty close to that the other day but as luck would have it, they were taken..... the good ones always are.... I felt like a dunce, throwing myself at them like they were my purpose for living... almost like being without them was unfathomable..... love can be a total douche, when it want to... or is it infatuation, I get confused... *stares blankly into space* .... After the whole ordeal, i wound up back at square one, the foundation..... I was all for change, ready to break down the barrier I lifted up to keep me in check, ready to pounce on any one who passed through my obstacle course that was intellectual grading, spiritual self knowledge and basic conversational skills. Could I be happy with anyone? I think my dad would agree with that, don't think he's right though because the moment that wall came down, all hell broke loose.. I ended up causing more harm than good with the leading people on and literally ignoring passes directed at myself after it was clear it wasn't going anywhere... It's safe to say the walls back up and I'd rather die  single that be in an unhappy sham and a mockery of a relationship..
I got the hint, nobody's perfect..... so I'm just keeping an eye out for the flawed love of my life, wonder how many they'll be?? ... brings me to another point, 'true love'...... need to research on that one...... *gags at the thought of cupid in action* ......... 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

while I was away.....

...... I had no inspiration.. and guess what? still drawing a blank
*watch this space*

Monday, August 8, 2011

of dreams and fears

i've been having dreams of a recurrent nature.. i'm always in a town looking for a way out.. last time i had the dream some person i can't remember and i were running away from a gang of bikers.. we found ourselves in the 'luthuli avenue' and 'gikosh' sides of the town seeking refuge in one sufuria molding station.. we finally thought we'd lost them when a kid showed up out of nowhere creating such a ruckus that they found us again.. we managed to narrowly escape but we were on the run from then on, through the clothing stalls.. i remember pretending to be someone's child to get them off my trail.. that's about all i can remember..
then there's the one where i cycled to town and back a couple of times througj what reminds me of thika road.. it was through sections of finished and unfinished roads and trenches.. i still can't remember why they're was an underground train pass and a drop off point to some establishment i always couldn't find myself at before 6pm... i remember my daring stunts though.. epic! but the dust reminds of another dream.. mombasa.. spirits.. adventure.. and my need to reach a certain hotel to no avail.. now more dreams keep popping up fron my subconscious.. the long dusty windy road which i drove through to evade my captures at the time and the most recent town dream about trying to find my way home.. losing my friends, then my way, my shoe went next but i was able to find my shoelace only to find i hadnt lost my shoes.. looking through a list of buses in the area only to realise i was already home and woke up..
i'm always afraid of being attacked or trying to find my way somewhere or looking for an answer.. i guess my dreams are trying to tell me there's nothing to be afraid of and that all the answers i need have been right here inside me the whole time..
time to face my fears

Thursday, July 14, 2011

of exes and labels

The fly is dead…
Found it on my window sill today...
I bet he came to say goodbye… J
Kinda feel like he deserves a burial
Shit! Is it even male?
*attempts to find out gender*
HEEEEEEEEEY!! I wasn’t looking for boy bits.
My best friend ranted about his ex today
Sorta wish he’d give that up and move on
Don’t know where to but anywhere is better than where he is right now
But I’m sure he will soon
Vixan broke up with me today
I know what ya’ll are thinking
That hypocrite,
How dare he hate on his friend for lingering on 'the ex' and tell us he broke up with his ex again?
Well, it’s not that simple
She didn’t like the ambiguity of our current relationship
Nah! ‘Status’ sounds much better
…… current status
I wasn’t leading her on
I promise
We were just having a great time
We both broke up with the people we were dating and started hanging out again
We were exes
We were allowed
It was fun
Now she had to try and define what we have
Made it more complicated
Made it more of an issue
Made it more of a thing
With mass and everything
I don’t like labels
Life’s got too many grey areas to categorize
She had a problem
I tried to fix it
Asked her what she wanted
She said she wanted us to have boundaries
“Have any in mind”, I asked
“Nope, you feel hungry? We should split a serving of chips”, she replied.
She got all ‘dark cloud’ and I was my usual positive self
I’m sorry when I get uncomfortable I tend to laugh a lot
And when she gets this way I don’t know what to do
So I just try to lighten the mood
It’s how I deal with things
Didn’t work
Don’t know how she’s doing
Can’t call because I’ll seem too nice
I like her
Too bad it can’t work out
The fly is dead.
It could be a sign.
Hope is lost.
Guess we’ll just be friends now.
Wasn’t that what we were to begin with?
I'm perplexed.
See why I hate labels?
They just confuse you.

|Fix You- Coldplay

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

looking for a constant amidst all the variables in my life.. *gosh! that sounds geeky*

I have a very charming house guest, a housefly, and surprisingly enough he only shows up at night, probably to keep me company. I found this rather strange at first when I’d switch off my lights and hear sequential buzzing on my wall but grew rather accustomed to it. Even stranger, it’d fly around in protest when I turned them back on, I laughed a lot when it first happened. I’d always leave my window open but always find it at the window sill as I closed them in the evening. It can’t be the same fly I thought, when I was greeted by cheerful display of hoops, dives and loopy loops yesterday night. I remember thinking it was rather overly excited for an uninvited guest and for a moment thought it could have been the same fly that had graced me with its presence a few weeks ago, a man can dream, can’t he? I wouldn't be surprised if it was seeing as the average life span of an adult house fly is 25 days, give or take 5 days.
Should I be worried that I am getting attached to a common household fly?
Maybe not, for all I know I could be craving consistency. You know amidst all the change in my earlier life, I had my cat. After a long day in school or If things got tense in the house I’d go outside, call out and it’d be on my lap ready for a petting session. The world would seem right with the world at that very moment. It’s three years later, we moved out of my grandparents home and my cat died.
Everything is changing but nothing remains the same, not even me.
Gosh I’ve changed, in good ways and bad but I must say it was worth it, experience and all. Getting back to my old self is what’s taking longer than I thought. I’m sure I’ll get there but after a while. Smiles come much easier and life seems a little bit more refreshing as time passes. Went for film today with some of my friends-transformers 3 ROCKKKKSSSS!-and had a blast. There was a little tension-a little misunderstanding,nothing to write home about- but other than that I felt like myself, like i was in my own skin. hadn't felt that in a while... Guess I got my groove back *that's so 90s.. kill me*
Guess there are no quick fixes in life, huh? But the journey's twice as fun as the destination.. J
I really miss my cat though, what he signified and the relationship we had.
Guess I need to find myself a constant amidst all this madness.
Wonder what it’ll be.
But still, hasn't inconsistency been my only constant?
Therefore what if it's everything that's changing and I'm still the same old confused person...
What then?
I may be my own constant....
funny, huh!

|Everybody's changing - Keane

Sunday, July 10, 2011

of new friends, new revelations, letting go and enjoying life

I finally have the laptop it being a weekend et al.
These partial visitations are starting to get old. Every other weekend just doesn’t cut it anymore. I should get one of my own; even so it probably wouldn’t be as sentimental as this one. Gosh! The things this machine and I have been through, shitty viruses that threatened its very existence, the great ownership debate of 2010 and the vista-fication process. I love windows xp’s simplicity but the graphics are shadier than a village raised kamba, I should know, I’m related to some of them. It needed a face lift and looks all nice and fresh now but it's too bad I don’t get to enjoy the benefits of my labour but my mother keeps really good care of him. 
On to other pressing matters, I decided to take life by the balls and stationed four post-its on my door which read:
‘Brush twice a day’
I only fail to follow this whenever I go out drinking. I’m sorry, the moment I get into that house all I can think of is food and sleep. Personal hygiene gets kicked off the train at that point
‘Don’t be lazy.  ‘
As I’ve mentioned time and time again I tend to be a tad lazy.
Okay, maybe a lot but only when I’m not being pressured by projects and school work. Being on break doesn’t help. But I decided I needed the extra push just so that I don’t find myself glued to the bed or sofa with no intent to leave the house whatsoever, at that point I’d rather stay credit-less than step out of the house. My friends would probably second the notion on this post it due to all those failed responses to their texts.
‘Keep my room tidy’
This post-it just points out the fact that I have to keep all my clutter in one place. As my mum always points out, ‘it’s better to have one pile of clutter than many piles strewn all over the place’ … point noted and followed.
The last post-it is the most important and influential
’Make the most of every moment *underlined with a squiggly line*
This refers to my recent depressive blog posts. I figured I’d best tackle the frustration and sadness better by living life by the day.  So, I commissioned this post-it and wouldn’t you know it I was back to my old self in no time… had an awesome time from Wednesday to Saturday this week. It was short lived though.  I usually meet with one of my friend circles in town where we get to catch up, share our experiences and plan more meets and functions. So yesterday there were a few new faces and I took to one of them instantly. This charming young fellow and I got to know each other amidst all the chatter and intrusions and on our usual walk to our bus stops he asked me if he could make a general comment about our first meeting. I’m not one to block off other people’s opinions so I gave the go ahead. I just gazed at him in awe as he went on about a certain sadness radiating from my being and how I wasn’t myself…..
More shock...
It was as if he was narrating a synopsis of my entire blog right there, a man I’ve never met before was explaining my own predicament to my face…
Uhm! I couldn’t talk...
I finally thought I’d found an answer to my problems, the guide to life I’d been looking for, a way to get rid of all the sadness. He mentioned ‘letting go’ and I was taken back to this week’s poetry spot at all saints cathedral. The topic, wouldn’t you know it was all about letting go of all the hurt and pain inflicted by others in our lives. I had forgiven my dad for not being there for most of my life and promised myself to stop calling him ‘the human atm’ unless it was implied as a joke so that wasn’t the cause of all the sadness.
It wasn’t my ex either; I forgave them a long time ago. Yes, the scars still hurt but I had. I wouldn’t say it was an abusive relationship but you know that old children’s saying “sticks and bones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”, well, it’s rubbish. A few comments came my way that hurt but I’m just about over that so that’s not it either.
The random non-related individuals who have infiltrated my life are a bother but not enough to contribute to the sadness even though they have got a lot to do with the frustration. Trying to smother me with parenting a bit too late on one end and being all up in my business on the other. I’m sorry but my family dynamics are a bit too stressful. Feel like I should join my grandfolks in their upcountry estate and forget them all, except my mother of course. 
I think I’ve let go.
But I remember telling my newly acquired friend that after my recent break up the pieces of my heart just didn’t seem to fit together sort of like when you break a ceramic cup and try to glue it back together, it never quite looks the same.
Is that causing the sadness?
Or are the remnants of all these issues causing it?
That I do not know.
But what I do know is that perfect stranger saw it all.
The mask that hold in all the emotions.
The held back tears.
The loss of ‘the thrill to live’.
The efforts it takes to smile.
He saw it all even when all my friends didn’t or did but didn’t point it out.
His answer to all this is simple,
My thoughts on prayer are pretty simple,
I don’t normally burden the lord with my issues and only others because I’m not really sure about my beliefs. One of my earlier mentors told me that it’s much better to believe than to wander around faithless but I pointed out I wasn’t quite faithless. I believe in a higher being but as one whole unit comprising of all living things. The universe. We are all just recycled material anyway moving on to make other things.
A tree.
A lump of rock.
It’s the circle of life.
Where does heaven and hell fit into all this?
Unless you are talking about the hydrogen molecules that are part of my physical body one day being part of a water molecule soaring in the air as a part of the clouds or the carbon molecules in my body one day being part of the magma in the mantle, I have no idea how your idea of the afterlife fits in our existence.
All that said I’m not giving up the idea of praying but just stating that I don’t think it would help.
At the end of our conversation in the bus to my destination he pointed out that I should stop ‘trying to enjoy life’, let go, take it all in and ‘enjoy life’.
Just let go off the sadness?
That simple.
Crying it all out and moving it all out like the popping of a pestering boil, fast and painful but worth it in the end.
Guess I’ll just let go of the sadness, isn’t what people generally do when they pray, give it all up to the Lord.
*grabs a box of tissues*

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

the universe is being unkind and i'm taking it like a man..

He opened my door and asked if i was leaving for town with him basically scaring me half to death. He opened my door and waltzed into my room like it was nothing, like my privacy wasn't worth respecting. For the record my own mother knocks so why does he just walk right in with an air of nonchalance. I lay in bed wondering how i'd explain it all in a way that wouldn't seem disrespectful, maybe through my mother or maybe on the ride to town. Just blurt it out as a way of breaking the mostly comforting silence between us. I can't be arsed to try and get to know him better, i know him well enough and we have nothing in common. I digressed. So how would i do it? wait! i live on a planet called 'passive aggressivon' and i'm their king so i'll just lock the door so that he gets the hint.
Problem solved and crisis averted.

I went shopping today. Planned to go with a few of my friends but the universe had other plans for them and i wasn't going to postpone the trip to gikomba on such a tiny technicality. I set off to the treasure chest that is gikomba to get a couple of things.
Tees with good prints.
Shoes, comfortable.
Jacket, all weather.
Beenie hats.
The trick about shopping in gikomba or any other open-air market is to try and not have a very specific idea of what you want cz u'll miss the really cool stuff that wouldn't fit ur criteria to the tee. I was there for the better part of the morning 'korogain' for shoes and rummaging through piles of clothes just to get one or two items. In other words, i was exhausted by 1.30. I got most of what i wanted, walked to town and met my step-mother who insisted she needed to take me shopping. HELLO! i'm not 8yrs old and secondly, don't you think u're overstepping the boundary just a bit.
It's a conspiracy i tell you.
'Attack of the estranged non-relatives' ..

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I'm lost again...but closer to the finish line

If any of you has watched ben10: alien force you know about the 'high breed' .. don't call the psyche hospital just yet..
i like how they played around with the pun, you know, 'hybrid' and 'high breed' especially when they're a race that is totally against the existence of other species and who's worst nightmare would be to interbreeding. so, in the end of the first season(i think), ben10 and one of the high-breed -who's arm got severed, replaced with a plant arm, tried to kill himself because he wasn't pure and finally realised that other species matter too- stopped a giant tree creature, that was created by the high-breed, from blowing up the earth and consequently reversing the genetic damage that was caused by the high-breed's inbreeding, teaching them that they should embrace other species..
what was my point again? yeah!
so, imagine I'm the high-breed, everyone else is some other sort of specie and there's no ben10.. you guessed it, you all die and my race withers away because of all the inbreeding.. I need a ben10 to help me through this all.. someone to make me see clearly, like that moment you're sent to the eye doctor for glasses and you think you can see then pow! you realise you'd missed all that.. and all this feeling.. gosh! i was told i need to name it.. the emotion.. to get through it.. makes sense though..
anger.. not really..
guilt.. nope!
sorrow.. nah!
shame?? ah! ah!
confusion.. wait! is that emotion? no! but it does explain a lot..
Ah huh! frustration.. I'm frustrated

that was easy, i think........
but what am i frustrated about?
a long list can be drafted....
need to get a journal...
that should help...
or a writing pad..
jot it all down..
get the emotions on paper..
then sort that isht out....
this stale funk of neediness and emotional turmoil is cramping my style..

but the key reason I'm frustrated is because i have no control over anything.....
here's one more,
i'm scared
i'm scared that one of these days everything will crumble and fall....
that the people i care for will vanish....
i don't like waiting for bad things to happen but that's exactly what i'm waiting for...
i can't live life this way...

Monday, June 20, 2011

If i had a shrink...

I've been rather depressed the past couple of days, okay, i shouldn't say a couple, that sounds like a week or two, it's been for the past three days. When i say depressed, i don't mean that "you'll get back up" sort of way but more of a "oh shit! the foundation's cracked" morbidly exaggerate sort of way. On sites, when the foundation cracks everything stops because without the foundation, the house can't be built. Well, there's usually one of two ways to go ahead, remove the damn thing, redesign it and start over or quit.
I feel depressed and i'm stuck at the fork on the road. Yes, the one that lets me choose between finding out why I'm all mopy or giving up because i can't be arsed to care about my future and try to live..
How do I know I'm depressed? Well, if the constantly teary eyes and the slight bipolar disposition haven't caught your eye then u're blind. It always boils down to whether I can hold a smile and look like I mean it for at least ten seconds. I've been through this a lot as you may have probably deduced. I just always feel.. I always feel... I always feel but i never know.. That's the reason I'm like this. Yes, you're beginning to find out that I need to know things. I never know things. I don't mean general things like the cheapest modest eatery around, I mean things about myself. I'm never sure when I make decisions or whether i'm making a decision or if there's a decision to be made at all. I'm exhausted because I don't know if i'm living life like i should. I don't have a guide book and any experiences shared don't even remotely resemble my problems if I even have problems.
Is this all life is about, floating helplessly in a sea of nothingness for our entire lives hoping for a flicker of hope that really isn't going to show up? *waits for a response*

Saturday, June 18, 2011

after all the dust has settled

How has life been the past couple of weeks?
One word,
A bit too simple.
It's had it's ups and downs.
Ins and outs.
I'll explain that in a minute.
And generally I've felt less of myself that I did when I was in a relationship.

I find it harder to smile.
I still laugh
Oddly more than I did before.
Could it mean I'm happier
Easily taken away by hysteria
Masking my emotions
Am I masking my emotions?
I am..

Relationships suck when they end.
You work so hard to be with someone,
Working towards the same goal,
Then in one second it's gone,
The plans,
The dreams,
All gone......
For the best usually,
It was for the best....
Sometimes not towards the goal you were hoping for,
Side lined.
That's when you have to abandon ship I guess...
When you loose yourself...
So the dust has settled...
I'm at peace I guess...
Better off, they say...

I feel like crap really...
Used and discarded.
Not really used, more like salvaged from the mangling jaws of junk yard,
Guess it's time to dust myself off and move on.
Easier said than done really...
But needed all the less..
Here goes nothing...

*takes first step*

Thursday, June 16, 2011

through all thing, fear remains my constant .....

I feel like every waking moment of everyday my purpose of being, my reason for existing is to wait for something bad to happen..
I'm paralysed by fear..
Not just fear but the fear of the unknown...
I can't let go.....
I can't just let go..

I self-analyse myself.. a lot... sorta why why I still think me and the vixan are meant to be each other.. We calm each others crazy.. :)

Anyway, my point? My point is i try to live my life as spontaniously as possible because i'm afraid that at any moment things won't be as great as they are right now..
Not because I see life as a precious gift that should be cherished but because I want to enjoy it while i still want to....

I don't want to regret not enjoying my life when i had the chance to.. and from all that maybe death won't be hard to bear..

I'm afraid of death....
Not not existing but how i'll stop existing...
And not just how but if i'll be happy...
If i'll have met the right person... if i had tried hard enough..
If i had fried fish when i craved it..

I don't want to live with regrets.. Or worse go to grave with them....

Guess that my purpose in life,
to have no regrets....

Sunday, June 12, 2011

What Next?

I think I have very high standards, a little too high sometimes to the point I think it's just walls I'm building. Every time I think I've met the person for me I end up doing something to sabotage it, willingly or unwillingly. I console myself by saying "maybe it wasn't made to be.. maybe I haven't met the right people.."
Where are they then??
I met someone the other day and we hit it off. Couldn't stop starring into those gorgeous eyes of theirs.. Gosh! If could drown, my lungs would be full water by now.. Anyway, we had a blast. We just sat down at some restaurant in town and sipped on some hot water with honey and some lemon wedges as we got to know each other.. They're doing a B.A course in some private university in Limuru and are rather interesting to chat with. We laughed a little, okay, a lot, and enjoyed each others company while it lasted.. I walked them down to their bus stop, bid them fair well and met up with a few of my friends.. I couldn't stop thinking about them all night but things changed, okay my perception changed..
When I go out with someone, I think of it as a long term deal if not, what am I doing it for? Basically they went through my 'soul mate' criteria and didn't quite make it to the end.. Who am I kidding, they where down and out within a few seconds..
See what I mean by having high standards??
This isn't the first time I thought I'd met the one and ended up stepping back and letting the distance kinda nudge them in the right direction which is usually away from me. It doesn't work quite well sometimes but it's better than looking someone in the face and going, "Honey, it's not, it's me.. I just don't know what I want right now.. I have to let you go" .. Didn't work quite well the last time I used it.
Before all this happens my mind goes round in circles..
Are they the one?
Are perfect for me?
Will I lose interest(almost always do)?
Can I date them?
No, they're too fat...
No, they're too butch.. LOL
No, they're too girly...
No, they're too reserved...
No, they just ain't my type... (what's my type anyway?? o_O)
No, they're too old... (I should keep that one... just saying.. )
No, they remind me too much of my ex... (this one too... there's a reason it didn't work out.. )
No, they live too far.... (so much for love having no boundaries... convenience holds power overall...)

Wait ! Maybe I'm too picky or just plain vain........................
*pauses and thinks*

Reminds me of the phone conversation I had with my da just last week, went something like this..
"Hey you"
"Hi Dad?"
"So, when am I seeing your girlfriend?"
"Ehm! I haven't found one yet"
"Maybe you should lower your standards a bit"
"Really Dad?!"
"I could get you one?"
"Good luck with that"

Makes me wonder if something not wired straight somewhere in here..
I've always felt like I'm the only one blindly manoeuvring through life when everyone else has got a map and a flash light.. I mean really, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and no one else feels this way... Even basic instincts feel wrong....
Or am I over-thinking it?
Don't think so..........................

I can't even have a functional relationship with another human being....................

So, the basic fabric of my existence is flawed and my social skills down right impaired..

What Next?

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

so i took a break... guess i'm still on it..

It's been more than a month since i last posted anything and in that time,
I've forgiven the ones who have hurt me,
tried to rekindle two old flames (really bad idea that one),
gotten stupid drunk and,
randomly found myself in a romantic 60's scene where the two partners fall asleep in each others hands in the back of a car.

Yes, I've had quite a month but i found myself reflecting on past experiences.. I guess you can't figure out where you are headed without remembering where you came from...

I think i'm over the lies... I remember there was time the mention of their name in any setting would have literally given me the shivers. I tend to internalize my feelings a lot so a shiver basically means i was at the brink of explosion. I tried finding closure after the event but that would have basically involved meeting them tété a tété and i honestly didn't want to be in the same room with them, period. I did what i knew best, I let time heal my wounds. Broke all ties, rebuild and learn't to live again, this time on my own. Arranged to meet with them this week so that I could clear the air and I'm sort of hoping i don't end up making things worse... hope it all goes well...

My exes? Yes, I tried and failed.. It would have worked out well if i could just erase their dumb memories.. I know, they are both perfect in their own rites but they hold too much against me..
Fine, I broke your heart..
Okay, I may have been a bitch then..
Well, anyone in my situation would have reacted the same way..
Sorry, I may have led you on a bit but I really like you..
Maybe I didn't really love you but it was close..
Can we start over?

Well, only utter that last statement if you are really sure you have changes.. Apparently I haven't changed nearly enough in both their eyes.. One's looking for a relationship where we'd basically be attached by the hip (needy much?) and the other just wants to be sure of my love.. I get it.. I'm not like the others and you are afraid I'll hurt you so leave me alone.. I don't want you to leave but the mixed signals are confusing.. One time you're okay with everything, the next you're not sure what you got yourself into.. You should take some time and figure it all out.. And that smoking habit won't be pretty in a few years when your teeth start to yellow.. I'm just saying...

I vowed to enjoy my youth by attending more parties and hanging out much and on one such occasion I agreed to get hooked up with this person who's hasn't been around much and it was like talking to myself, when I'm all gated and uncomfortable so the conversation wasn't that awesome. But then we got buzzed and we couldn't stop talking. Fine, the topic wasn't what one would call interesting (renewable energy and new age technologies), not much was talked about in terms of family relations and general likes but it was a breakthrough.. After a few too many, we danced (there was grinding), drank some more, danced again and finally ended up in the back of their car cuddling.. It was really cold outside so the shared warmth was just what we both needed.. In all that seemed like a second it was morning and things between us were awkward once again, figures! They're relatively older than the people i usually date so I may have adjust my needs if this takes off but I haven't gotten called back even after two texts.. Guess that ship has sailed.. I hope not..

This all got me thinking about the film, 'no strings attached' and how at this point of my life i should be after the most convenient situation for myself.. It should never be that complicated..

Typical.. :)

Sunday, April 10, 2011

taking a break

In the past year, my heart's been stretched and pulled in all sorts of directions. Forcefully removed from someone else's chest to prevent them from the uneventful heartache they would have gone through in the event we did stay together, forcefully attemped at loving someone else who's heart readily falls for any living being and torn to shreds by another who would have been the one if only we didn't grow apart or tried so hard to love.
Three relationships.
Three heartaches.
Three mistakes? No!
Three opportunities to learn.
One lover missed.
One lover turned friend. No benefits.
One lover who didn't quite really get out of my chest. Still feel a bump when I hear they're off doing some random thing. Have to physically force myself not to care. 'You broke it for this exact reason. Stop it! They're their person, no need to care if they don't mean anything to you'
But it's a lie.
Just because I hide the feelings so well doesn't mean they don't exist.
I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

Maybe I need to be on my own for a while.
Someone did come around and stirred things up a little but to be quite honest, don't think they're my bucket of fish.
I should take a break.
Already found myself.
Confused us fuck.
Nothing's changed there.
But my heart does need a break.
But when it's all fixed up and ready for it
I'm sure i'll find that someone
Surely there's someone out there worth my time and effort
Someone who'd love me
And I them
Someone I wouldn't want to change or force myself to love.
But until then
My life's fine without any of that to complicate it
There's more to life than fleeting moments of passion or delusions of happiness
No matter how much better they make us feel.
But deep down inside
I'm sure I'm sure I'll find the perfect balance.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tale of two matatus..

This week i have been subjected to two weird matatu scenarios.. First the matatu i took on Monday happened to run out of fuel as we left our bus stop and had to be pumped (this involves the conductor constantly massaging the fuel pipe) until we got to the petrol station. Couldn't help but laugh my ass off. Today was another story, the matatu lost battery power on the highway which left the conductor to push the van -with the help of two passengers, I'd have helped but my hands can't do jack- to the nearest bus stop where we got a replacement and were in town in no more than ten minutes. Still can't believe after all that the lecturer was a no-show.

Anyway, apart from the weird occurrences that always seem to happen in my life, I'd say everything is going on well considering i ended 'the' relationship. Sort of bummed that i did but i honestly felt like it was consuming me. Facing reality is one of the hardest things to do. Realizing that you can't lie to yourself anymore, that saying your happy will not miraculously change your situation or that you can change yourself for someone else without losing yourself or change them enough to be something close to what you imagined they should have been.
Love is the will to nurture life and growth in oneself and in another... Love is personal; it is the sacred trust of living things. Likewise, love is neither need nor dependency. 'I need you' is not the same as 'I love you'. Need as the basis of a relationship may lead one person to suffocate another through demands. Need may drive me to manipulate, intimidate, or coerce you into fulfilling me.

This excerpt from the 'Quaker : Advices and Queries' expresses my sentiments exactly..

'Love is so vastly different! It is freeing; it acknowledges the separateness of the beloved. It treasures the unique otherness of the beloved that is each one's contribution to the relationship. Love calls for submission and sacrifice. It does not seek to possess, but rather to empty itself in nurture of the loved one.

Donald A Green, 1982 '

I'm guessing love is just that, the emotion. You either have it or you don't. I don't think any amount of force could force you to love someone, it has to come from within. All that's there to do is to learn from past mistakes and use that to prevent the same thing from happening again. It was fun while it lasted minus the crazy bits in the middle.. :)Still trying to figure out what I'm feeling because it's hard to explain.. it's sorta in the middle of pain and relief but not quite there. It's like I'm feeling every emotion known to man all the time but I'll be okay. After all that I had to go through i think i found myself again.. and that's all that matters now.. And in the next relationship I'll be in I'll be sure to take all I've learnt straight to heart by taking it slow, easing into it and enjoying every second of it. :)

Monday, March 7, 2011


I've been feeling kinda emotionless of late. My friends can tell there's something off but i don't want to bother them with something as juvenile as a simple ' i don't feel anything any more'
Well, funny enough that's exactly how i felt when i started off this blog and as part of my plan towards fixing that I decided to start afresh thus the post 'nuevo inizio' which means new beginnings. I usually feel this way after a break up. As a ploy to mask my emotions i tend to put them all 'kwa kaburi kusahau' as the Swahili phrase goes and let the wound heal enough for the pain to go away so that i can deal with the emotions separately. I'm still in a relationship by the way but I don't think my heart's in it anymore and that scares me. We may not have broken up but my heart has been drifting away from it all for a while now. Truth is I don't want to not be in love but at the same time my heart's recoiled.
Basically all that's left for me to do is, sit back and see what my heart will decide. Then there's the thing about me being a hopeless boyfriend. I guess i was trying to figure out what i want from the person I'm with and as my needs changed i guess they felt under appreciated. I've got so much to figure out that it makes me wonder how my life got so screwed up so fast.
Guess i need to find myself again, live my life day by day..

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

I did it!

I did it!
I did it because it was broken,
because i wasn't myself around you,
I did it because I broke it,
I did it because you broke it,
I did it because we broke it,
I did it because I wasn't happy,
I did it because I tried to be happy,
Why should I force myself to be happy,
force myself to want less than I need
all because of love??
then love became my undoing
slowly draining the life out of me,
telling me that everything would be okay if only i loved
and what of the one i love
what if I am conformed in their presence
unsure of myself
afraid to do wrong in their eyes
did i hastely love?
dive in feet first and realise that i was two minutes away from hypothermia with no straw to clutch on
i miss it though
the cold chill like a drug
slowly sending me under
confusing my senses and blurring my vision
i hurt us both
oh gosh! it's my fault
i let myself go on living a lie
i knew we'd hurt at one point
all i wanted to do was prolong the inevitable
stay in limbo
yet troubled
my life will change
your life too
we'll adjust and that hurts me the most
that it'll all be a memory someday
no longer gnawing at my neck
sucking the life out of me

i settled for what you gave me
grew tired of asking
lived with what i got
'battered woman syndrome' i suppose
but it wasn't fair for us
and this will solve more problems than it'll cause
you'll be happy and so will I
so this chapter of our lives is finished
no dramatic fight
no unjustified ending
no resentment
we're free!!

#avril lavigne - what the hell

Monday, February 21, 2011

from gari with love

It was my best friends birthday two weeks ago and it being the last day of my first semester's finals it was definately a blessings from a blessing from the gods. So, 'we' got him the awesomest gift ever, two cards of different years that add up to his actual age (we're awesome like that) and I got him some super delicious hush cookies and boy, did we get high, okay, i got stoned and everyone enjoyed every moment of it.. :) I remember a lot dancing, swimming, running in circles, blacking out in some instances and having truck loads of fun since everyone was there and as well as the source of my emotional rollercoaster rides and general feeling of love . I liked it.

I needed a break from all the worrying and just enjoy life and as luck would have it i was starting my short break.. :) So, i took up watching bleach from scratch and as most of you know it's a quite a task in itself seeing as bleach has over 300 episodes under it's belt.. :) Anyway, that would take up my time in the house and distract me from my irrational fear of being hurt, emotionally. We said we'd start communicating more but it seems that I started and they stopped, not really stopped but the decline was drastic. There's that and this weird feeling I get when i get lectured-for luck of a better word- or feel a lecture coming on about something so lame like brushingmy hair in public-i used brushing because technically it's too short to comb.. :)-and showing up at their door step unannounced- well, isn't that what you call a surprise- because i wanted to spend time with them. I'm confused and not in a dumbfounded way but in a confused enough to laugh sort of way so I'm taking it easy and not letting it bother me..

I found myself at my favourite restaurant, gari on friday morning reading the art of war as i drank i ccup of tea. Nothing special happened after that apart from the sol filosofia album launch and it was AMAZING.. :)Got to buy their cd and fought my way through to get it autgraghed and it was totally worth it because their music is so upeat and frankly i like it more since it's kenyan. We really need to encourage more uprising talent to take it to the stage and sing their hearts out. Anyway, i feel like i should have paid more than 500shs for it but who am i to complain. I met every single one of my friends-obviously i didn't but it felt like it- and i really kept myself undercontrol concidering i wasn't quite sober. The night went on without a hitch and when the event was over i went to my friend's place for a sleepover and fun was definately had. We ended up making chips from scratch and i prepared my world famous kachumbari- a mix of tomatoes, onions, corriander leaves and a dash of vinegar and lemon juice- and fell asleep at around 4am. Ended up going to my dad's that evening. Always great spending time with my siblings and grand mother. Had a spat with my significant other on the very next day, sorted it out i guess and ended up in gari in the evening. I sure do love me some tea.

I guess my plan's working after all, time to live and let live. :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Finding balance where once there was none

Earlier I was trying to find out what a relationship is and what is needed to keep it healthy..

I figured relationships are what you make them.. I guess the only way to keep a relationship strong is to find a way to meet each others needs.. Love is sacrifice.. And with sacrifice comes reward..

It's Valentine's tomorrow, already have my gift nicely placed in my bag for use tomorrow.. Sorta feel bad that I didn't get them something as well although I don't view Valentines day as a holiday worth celebrating. Shouldn't love be celebrated every single day? Instead we've been brainwashed by corporates into spending all this money on cheap decorations and creating a false feeling of happiness as if all the problems you had before as a couple are simple erased. And for those who's luck has been nothing but present, this day reminds them of what they haven't found or lost forcing them to find anyone to be with just to prevent the feeling of inadequacy. Isn't this what Valentine's day is all about?

To show my disgust towards the commercialism of love i'll be sporting black tomorrow.. :)

Anyway, I guess I'm finally content and happy with the way things hafe turned out in every aspect of my life..

My relationship
My family
My social life

It feels good having things going my way for a change.. Hope it lasts..

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I am not going to think so much.
I am not going to think so much.
I am not going to think so much.
I am not going to think so much.

Wait! I'm doing it right now.

Breath! Breath!
Why do these thoughts haunt me.
All these possibilities calling like oil to an oilrig.
Oil pollutes, oil kills and only man gains from it,
But short term pleasures they be, for in the future they regret it.
All these problems, created by man and only a few feel the need to solve it,
Are we happy in our own aboards, complete with filth, grime and dirt,
that we can't see the fact that we need more that just that.

So many thoughts my brain always has but so few infact are of myself.
A problem it is to feel for others before myself and I fear it will harm me unintentionally.
To live for myself is the thing i need to figure out slowly. For if i do not look after myself who will surely.
For they all have their own burdens to keep.

So breath I tell you ol' brain of mine for the world can wait,
for it itself has sealed it's own fate..

Clear your mind till only you, you see and only then will you live for thee.


What is a relationship anyway?

I'm not talking family and friends, I'm talking two people coming together to share in a bond wound by love. Gosh, that sounded corny. Anyway, what is a relationship anyway? Apparently, as predicted I don't get. I think a relationship is mostly about companionship. I want someone I can do things with, like go for a play, visit the nearest reserve, try new eateries together but my best friend told me those aren't the things you do with a 'lover', you do then with a 'best friend'.

So, what's a relationship then?

It can't be all about love. I have that but feel like I need more. Maybe this need i have to to get more from the relationship isn't what relationships are supposed to provide. Maybe to fully satisfy myself I need to know what I want and satisfy those needs on my own, and no, I don't mean sex. But on that point, you know you're uber deep in a thick gooey lake of love when you can't picture yourself with anyone other than your significant other. Isn't a relationship supposed to be hard, with temptations at every corner. Maybe I need to not be so in love to fall back in love. I know, I lost myself too. What I'm trying to say is, maybe I should stop obsessing over what the perfect person in my life should be like, stop trying to change who I'm already with and be content with what I've got and fill the void elsewhere. I don't mean cheating or anything close to it but if I want to stay in this relationship, I should plan my dream excursions with my friends.

What is a relationship?

It's anything you want it to be. And this moment, I can live with what I have, as imperfect as it is. In any case, haven't I learnt already? My needs come first so I should find any means possible to meet them. There's more than one way to skin a cat or kill a rat. :)

Wait a minute!

Let's just say everything isn't as it should be and yes, it has been like that for a while. The thing is, I'm not happy.

I know I've said that a lot and the sad fact is, no one really is. Being a grown up suck goat balls mainly because no one really tells you how alone you'll feel in the sence that people will be around you but no one will really care about what's going on in your life. And I think that's what I've been looking for in my relationship, someone who cares about me as much as I do myself and we all know that isn't going to happen. I'm better off marrying myself like those people. You know, the ones who marry inanimate objects just to fill the void. I think the humiliation of marrying something lifeless and essentially an outward reflection of yourself is far much appealing than the idea of being alone. I tell my friends all the time about my perfect soulmate but in the end they all think I'm describing myself. Maybe I should just get it over with and stop trying to make things bend to my whim.

What am I feeling?

Do I really know? I basically don't know what to do. Life isn't a jigsaw puzzle where every piece fits and everyone gets the same picture in the end. It's so bad that I don't really know what a relationship is anymore. If it's what I have now, celibacy is looking pretty attractive right about now. Not because we're falling on hard times or anything but because I don't know whether we're doing what we're doing right or whether or not my ideal relationship is realistic.

Or am I the problem?

It's simple deduction. If everything doesn't seem right then it's more likely that you are the problem. Maybe I really am the problem because everyone's fine the way things are. Everyone has daddy issues and live their lives just fine. Everyone is broken and still manage to wake up most mornings with a smile on their faces and generally continue on with life no matter their issues.

Why do I feel compelled to be perfect and in that, make my life perfect too. Why can't I have it all? Am I too much of an idealist?

Why can't I have things the way I want them?

I think I can. But I'm approaching things in the worst possible way, by trying to solve problems I have no control over. I think I should take the serenity prayer to heart.

'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right If I surrender to Your Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen'

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Worst week of my life

I guess I've had worse weeks before but this one takes the cake. Not because of the magnitude of the problens, they aren't that bad but it's the way they all came in. Actually, it's not really the worst week of my life, it's more like the worst year, or at least the beginning of it. First, there's the whole incident with my folks that lead to the 'trust' issue, and no, I don't mean a brand of condoms. Then there's the thing about my love life and how I don't really know what's going on. I think I'll touch on the latter at the end seeing as that's when I finally figure out what I want.

Last Saturday, my environmental youth group and I were in Dandora for a clean-up exercise for which took us close to about three months to actually plan for. We all had hope that this would be a better wat of creating awareness about climate change and our effect on the environment. So, there we we're in Dandora Secondary School, shovels, rakes and wheelbarrow's in hand ready to leave our mark on the residents of Dandora. Little did we know that it would be they that would leave a lasting impression on us. It's this simple, if the people of Dandora really wanted to live in a clean area, they would. We learnt this the hard way when they stole most of our equipment and offered us the garbage from their own homes to dispose of as they stood there watching us, some even shouting at us, telling us that it would be back to its usual dirty self in a week. I lost hope in human nature that day. The idealist in me got stopped in his tracks and told to face reality. And the reality is, that humans are a bunch of selfish, inconsiderate, back stabbing idiots. Okay, there are a select few that, like me think that the world has the ability to change for the better, but with everyone out for their own interests, is there hope?

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Realisations : I have issues too. Darn! And the way I thought I was special.

It's Thursday night, edging closer to Friday night and that means I'll finally be able to facebook and tweet. I may have technically bent the rules and uploaded a few pictures from my phone. Fine! Facebook's motto's something along the lines of 'share and communicate with friends', so I haven't done the latter which is basically the only reason I went on this stupid break since i had become over-dependent and used it as my not-so-personal journal and spent ages texting and changing my status update every few seconds. :) .

Anyway, I spent this time doing my assignments, soul searching and waiting for this person to get a clue and figure out why I was so pissed. I guess that's the problem right there, I was waiting for you to read my mind and magically be able to solve it. Maybe I haven't been as open as I should be but that doesn't change the fact that I did feel that way. I'm happy we sorted things out but you have to keep the promises you made today. And I'll make sure you do, because I want things to work, yes, we aren't breaking up.

My resolutions
¤ To tell you when you piss me off when you actually do it so that you can do something about it.
¤ Force you into doing things I want done. I won't go into details.
¤ Give you a month to sort things out or call it quits. My heart can't take another bump on the road.
¤ Not let you walk all over me like a doormat.
The need to do these things would be unnecessary if you only put me into consideration when doing anything pertaining to our relationship. Let's just see how things go, I have confidence in you.

My relationship's better now, my life's been sorted as we speak and I'm confident this will be great year.

|Haiya - Harry Kimani

"Harry Kimani puts me in a trance.. Thank you for making such beautiful music.. :) "