Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Conditioning or Reality?

And I don't mean the thing you mix into your after you rinse out your shampoo..... I mean what we're made to think we should do.....

Am I conditioned to love?

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Screeching Halt

That's what happened right now.... I stopped, I suddenly came to a screeching halt...

*I love it when I use my titles in my post*

Smoke everywhere
The smell of burning rubber in the air
I finally realised what my problem is........

For a while now I've been in such a rush to get to my destination, you know, that point in life where everything fits in.......

Your career
Your life's work
Your love life
Your beliefs

I've been driving myself crazy trying to get to that point where all these things will be sorted out and blooming in the midday sun, soaking up all the rays up in eternal bliss.......

Imagine You and Me

Funny how most of my inspiration comes from films and books I happen to come across say the film, “Imagine You and Me” that this post is rightly named after. I watched it about week ago, been planning to write about it from the second the credits started rolling down the screen. It was basically about a woman called Rachel, who happens to meet the love of her life at her wedding and knew from the moment her eyes met with a lovely florist named Luc as her father walked her down the aisle. But being the irrationally rational beings that we are, she opted to ignore it and go through with her wedding. I mean she was getting married to her best friend and their love was well groomed and offered the security she had always wanted so why would she throw all that away for a lingering glare and a spark?????????

I’ll come back to it when I’m done….

So she gets married and befriends Luc after she helped fish out her oversized wedding ring from the punch bowl at the reception, I mean the ease at which they talked and the sparks between the would have started the big bang all over again, right there in that tent. One thing led to another and they kissed, which sent Rachel into a state of confusion leading into the conclusion that she should stay with her husband because it’s the right thing to do.

Right thing to do?

Right thing to do?

Staying married to a man you don’t love is the right thing to do???????? This one is definitely on my ranting list.

Her husband, Hector, finds out, I think his best friend told him or something, my memory fails me at this point, and he goes on about how he can’t let her stay with him if she doesn’t love him back because that wouldn’t be right and he wants to be with someone who loves him and she needs to be with someone she loves too. He gets emotional at this point and leaves her after which she goes on to look for Luc, who was on her way to a start her life somewhere else but they find each other in a traffic jam and live happily ever after or what not anyway, they end up together and the film ends there. At this point, my eyes were filled with tears, I was having an emotional week so stop judging and sat down to reflect and it went something like this………..

Note: I’m an only child so I talk to myself in the third person, many imaginary friends were created in my childhood.

“This shit only happens in the movies but fine, they made a few points. I mean sure, I should listen to my gut because the shit I get myself into always has a way of blowing up in my face. Dreamer, how many times are you going to tell yourself that you’ll see how things go or how things are different this time or how you should be more open or the worst of them all, how this could be your chance at happiness when clearly shit ain’t right??????? ………………………………………………………….. 

Many… 

Yes, many times so STOP SETTLING…. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s muy wrong……… 

Fine… 

Good……..

I’m not done though. You should slow down on this whole finding love thing, I mean you’re not even twenty yet so why are you getting all mid-life crisisy when you haven’t even figured what you want yet. Look at guys your age, they’re just having fun and enjoying their youth when you’re there fast-forwarding into the future. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! How many times have you agreed to date someone when you knew for sure it wasn’t going to work out and have to go through the trials of trying to figure out how to break up with them??????? …………………………….. 

Many……. 

Exactly, just say no when you’re sure because you and I both know there’s no way you’re going to sprout love out of nowhere if it wasn’t there to begin with…. Fine…….. So no compromising when it comes to your hurt, I mean sure when you like them and things are going well you’ll have to do it to ease friction in other areas but not when it comes to your feelings…. Just be honest to them and yourself, okay??? …………………. Sure, it makes sense….”

After that I made a pact with myself and vowed to do right by me and keep my word…………. Didn’t last long, my next post pretty much sums up that colossal failure that is my inability to make rational decisions…………..

so i took a break... guess i'm still on it..

It's been more than a month since i last posted anything and in that time,

I've forgiven the ones who have hurt me,

tried to rekindle two old flames (really bad idea that one),

gotten stupid drunk and,

randomly found myself in a romantic 60's scene where the two partners fall asleep in each others hands in the back of a car.

Yes, I've had quite a month but i found myself reflecting on past experiences.. I guess you can't figure out where you are headed without remembering where you came from...

I think i'm over the lies... I remember there was time the mention of their name in any setting would have literally given me the shivers. I tend to internalize my feelings a lot so a shiver basically means i was at the brink of explosion. I tried finding closure after the event but that would have basically involved meeting them tété a tété and i honestly didn't want to be in the same room with them, period. I did what i knew best, I let time heal my wounds. Broke all ties, rebuild and learn't to live again, this time on my own. Arranged to meet with them this week so that I could clear the air and I'm sort of hoping i don't end up making things worse... hope it all goes well...

My exes? Yes, I tried and failed.. It would have worked out well if i could just erase their dumb memories.. I know, they are both perfect in their own rites but they hold too much against me..

Fine, I broke your heart..

Okay, I may have been a bitch then..

Well, anyone in my situation would have reacted the same way..

Sorry, I may have led you on a bit but I really like you..

Maybe I didn't really love you but it was close..

Can we start over?

Well, only utter that last statement if you are really sure you have changes.. Apparently I haven't changed nearly enough in both their eyes.. One's looking for a relationship where we'd basically be attached by the hip (needy much?) and the other just wants to be sure of my love.. I get it.. I'm not like the others and you are afraid I'll hurt you so leave me alone.. I don't want you to leave but the mixed signals are confusing.. One time you're okay with everything, the next you're not sure what you got yourself into.. You should take some time and figure it all out.. And that smoking habit won't be pretty in a few years when your teeth start to yellow.. I'm just saying...

I vowed to enjoy my youth by attending more parties and hanging out much and on one such occasion I agreed to get hooked up with this person who's hasn't been around much and it was like talking to myself, when I'm all gated and uncomfortable so the conversation wasn't that awesome. But then we got buzzed and we couldn't stop talking. Fine, the topic wasn't what one would call interesting (renewable energy and new age technologies), not much was talked about in terms of family relations and general likes but it was a breakthrough.. After a few too many, we danced (there was grinding), drank some more, danced again and finally ended up in the back of their car cuddling.. It was really cold outside so the shared warmth was just what we both needed.. In all that seemed like a second it was morning and things between us were awkward once again, figures! They're relatively older than the people i usually date so I may have adjust my needs if this takes off but I haven't gotten called back even after two texts.. Guess that ship has sailed.. I hope not..

This all got me thinking about the film, 'no strings attached' and how at this point of my life i should be after the most convenient situation for myself.. It should never be that complicated..

Typical.. :)

OMG! I'm grown up..

I'm seventeen..
Two more days and I'm legal.. :-) .. I know I shud be happy getting to this iconic stage of my life, my independence.. But to be honest, I'm already independent.. The things I shud be looking forward to I've already done..

I can rave..
I shud be all happy that I can rave openly now n not all secretly like my teenage counterparts but I dnt drink n rave though so no biggy ..

Get to vote!!
I've already voted so that's outta the way ..

My own bank account..
Owned one long enough to get my atm card stolen.. lol ..

My national ID...
I've been using my passport for a while now with no issues so no difference there..

I guess what I'd consider as a milestone is finding myself, spiritually.. Finding Friends.. I joined Quakerism.. Not because I needed a religion or an identity but because it represents what I've always stood for and knew in my heart.. :-) .. And I feel at home..

My only issue is that I just don't want to lose my youth.. Not my charmingly good looks-had to put that in there.. :-) - or my youthful energy but my childish spirit.. That spark that makes me, me.. My essence, my soul, my life.. God! ..

I know my whole life's ahead of me so I really am going to live life to the fullest.. :-) ..