Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.



Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.


I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.

Sigh!




I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Stranger Comfort and Pressurized Spaces

No, I'm not talking about creature comforts where the the creatures are stranger.......
It's more a term I just coined up to explain my current situation....

I never did get it, why as human beings we're so much more honest and open with people we just met than people who we've lived with for many years.... I mean isn't logical that the person I have been friends with should know more about me than a person I just met days ago???I call it,

 'Stranger Comfort'

I think it's simple really, deep down you know that this person you've loved and shared with over the years might not always be there you because as people, we drift but strangers are strangers because they hold no tie to your life thus don't cause any harm to it in the end......

But what happens when this stranger becomes your friend?

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

p.s you are the bad guy... but someone has to be...

I finally got to watch 'Easy A' this week and I have to admit it was a really good watch, other than the fact that I related with the main character(Emma Stone really did that part justice), it really did highlight on a lot of crucial issues that most teens go through(yes, I'm allowed to call myself a teen.. :D) ..... Anyway, I've never really felt like I was normal and fit, which I see right now as a good thing, who really want to be a mindless drone whose only mission is to bow under the pressure of commercialism and capitalism... but I didn't always feel that way, as in come on, it's far much easier to grow up feeling like part of something that trying to be be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, and boy was I different. The only thing that's changed is that individualism is cool and hip now so I actually fit in.... 

Glad that's over.. :)

Not entirely, so I have friends now who like me for me but relationship wise, the further you stray from the norm the less likely you are to find someone who'd take you as you are, and trust me, I am whey off the projected path... Anyway, I left you all at a crucial juncture in my relationship and as the days passed and got nearer to D- Day I actually realised that I was being an ignorant fuck, as in really Dreamer, if any of your friends pulled a stunt like this you'd have given then the lengthiest speech about self worth and keeping one's dignity(which some of my friends gave but I ignored because well, I like seeing how things work out) till they gave in. Took me a while figure out that it wasn't really going to end well because:

I write....

I write to organise my thoughts. 
My brain's a mess half the time and but it down on paper helps me see more clearly.

I write to ease my suffering.
My heart's full of emotions and my only instinct is to write.
'Put it all down, it'll ease your pain'
'Put it all down, it'll soon be over'
Put it all down, it'll all be well'

I write to remember
More often than not, my heart gets me into situations I've been in before so it's always good to have something to look back at for ideas.

I write to think
I know what you're thinking, 'doesn't he use his brain for that?' .. well, lets just say when I write  my thoughts flow out more easily

I write to inform
I write to show you my experiences so you can learn from them. Sharing my failures and triumphs so your journey down the road less travelled isn't as dicey as mine is and was.

I  write because I'm free...
Freedom is relative, I'll talk about that later when I've gathered more ammunition to blow your mind away... too much... *LQTM*

I write because it's the only thing I have control over
Beats trying to take over the world.

Wake Up Call: The Tale of a Lone Ranger

No, I don't mean the song by Maroon5. I mean more of a forced epiphany crammed down my throat through an elaborately plotted intervention. For a smart person I do a lot of stupid things like leave incriminating evidence in my bag and forget about it which was later found out and led to the above mention intervention. I swear I wasn't going to do anything with it but just being in possession of it was reason enough for my dad to rite me off as dead weight. Sure my mood swings and erratic behavior wasn't helping the story but it really stung that he thought that about me.
Anyway at the end of the meeting after all the shouting and the crying I realised that I really was an idealist living in a purely realist populous. I've always thought of myself as a non-social conformist with my obviously unique dress code that I pick purely for comfort, my long crazy hair (oh how I shall miss thee) and my complete disregard of other peoples opinions of myself but society won this fight but I stand strong when I say the war still rages on.
Why should I be fitted into a nifty cardboard box, tagged and left to live life the way society dictates? Why should I sacrifice my own happiness for the good of others purely on the basis that it is different?? Shouldn't the society accept the different and not try to beat them into submission?? Shouldn't tolerance be the order of the day because at the end of the day we aren't cut off the same cloth??
I may be shackled and out of breath but as my strength increases and the fire within rages for my cause, I shall one day rise and fight for it, the freedom to be free, for in this society we are not free but merely allowed to live.. My voice shall be heard..

Masculinity..

I haven't written or even drafted a post in a while. You could call it writer's block but I'd call it 'lack of an opinion'. My posts are influenced by what revolves around me, a feeling, my experiences and those of others as well. Masculinity has always been a subject I could never sink my teeth into and fully understand. You could say the lack of male role models may have contributed to my lack of 'need' to do what I find most men do so flawlessly. But I'd argue that what people deem as masculine is based on what the society has influenced men to become through the remnants of older generations and behavioral traits. Case in point, most people would describe German men as cold, distant n devoid of empathy. That's what masculinity is defined as there, no matter how odd you may think it may be.
In my society, masculinity is based on three main things; beer, sports and promiscuity. Everything else relates to these three one way or another. My problem is this rigid box that all men are kept in and how lonely the outskirts of this 'box' are. You could argue that if you break the confines of this box, freedom and inward growth would be found but at what price??
If you aren't masculine then what are you? effeminate?? As a self-proclaimed non-conformist, my view is that people should live their lives as they want to. Life is too short to throw away living someone elses life. I am outside that box. No guidelines, no footprints, nothing but the beating of my heart to guide me to a much better existance. It's not a need to rebel but a need to be free. I don't want to sit down in a pub watching a football game with me mates or pick up fights to prove my selfworth. I want to explore the landscapes, take in the richness of cultures, swim in the pool of diversity and be a better me. I will not be bogged down.