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Sunday, October 21, 2012

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

My course is intense

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

But that's besides the point. I've always known what I want out of life and had a quick witty response to the 'Where will you be in 5 years?' question but that has pretty much changed.
I'm blank.
I honestly have no idea of where I'd love to be in 5 years.
Depressing, I know but it's my reality.
I've always had a plan. The reason I'm here is because I followed my plan to the tee but somewhere along the line my passion and drive just went south. It isn't just in setting a career path, I mean my zest for life.
My recent effort at starting a relationship ended on account of this. I mean, they were really nice and I liked them from the start but after a while I was left there feeling nothing.
Yes, I liked them but I was numb. I am numb. I honestly don't know why I'm on this planet any more. I decided not to date for a year, not knowing what you want is the worst thing in the world because when you figure it out, it's usually too late. I hate that, maybe it's a thing we all must go through but it sucks.
Suicidal thoughts come at me at the weirdest of places and I don't freak out any more.
Nothing makes me happy any more.
I think that's the problem, nothing I do makes me happy.
School is hard, off course I love what I'm doing but I have no idea what I'll do with it after. I'm just winging it.
I don't know what my ideal partner should be like.
I think I really want to work with animals and do photography.
I'm not certain though.
I think it'd make me happy.
Mum and I have been fighting more lately mostly about my indecisiveness, my lack of passion and my dress code.
I just nod and smile now because I'll still wear the same clothes, be indecisive and have no passion.
It's not like she can control my every move.
Sometimes I just want to walk till I pass out.
I think I have a mental illness.
I mean, this isn't normal.
Growing up sucks.

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