Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.



Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.


I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.

Sigh!




I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Imagine You and Me

Funny how most of my inspiration comes from films and books I happen to come across say the film, “Imagine You and Me” that this post is rightly named after. I watched it about week ago, been planning to write about it from the second the credits started rolling down the screen. It was basically about a woman called Rachel, who happens to meet the love of her life at her wedding and knew from the moment her eyes met with a lovely florist named Luc as her father walked her down the aisle. But being the irrationally rational beings that we are, she opted to ignore it and go through with her wedding. I mean she was getting married to her best friend and their love was well groomed and offered the security she had always wanted so why would she throw all that away for a lingering glare and a spark?????????

I’ll come back to it when I’m done….

So she gets married and befriends Luc after she helped fish out her oversized wedding ring from the punch bowl at the reception, I mean the ease at which they talked and the sparks between the would have started the big bang all over again, right there in that tent. One thing led to another and they kissed, which sent Rachel into a state of confusion leading into the conclusion that she should stay with her husband because it’s the right thing to do.

Right thing to do?

Right thing to do?

Staying married to a man you don’t love is the right thing to do???????? This one is definitely on my ranting list.

Her husband, Hector, finds out, I think his best friend told him or something, my memory fails me at this point, and he goes on about how he can’t let her stay with him if she doesn’t love him back because that wouldn’t be right and he wants to be with someone who loves him and she needs to be with someone she loves too. He gets emotional at this point and leaves her after which she goes on to look for Luc, who was on her way to a start her life somewhere else but they find each other in a traffic jam and live happily ever after or what not anyway, they end up together and the film ends there. At this point, my eyes were filled with tears, I was having an emotional week so stop judging and sat down to reflect and it went something like this………..

Note: I’m an only child so I talk to myself in the third person, many imaginary friends were created in my childhood.

“This shit only happens in the movies but fine, they made a few points. I mean sure, I should listen to my gut because the shit I get myself into always has a way of blowing up in my face. Dreamer, how many times are you going to tell yourself that you’ll see how things go or how things are different this time or how you should be more open or the worst of them all, how this could be your chance at happiness when clearly shit ain’t right??????? ………………………………………………………….. 

Many… 

Yes, many times so STOP SETTLING…. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s muy wrong……… 

Fine… 

Good……..

I’m not done though. You should slow down on this whole finding love thing, I mean you’re not even twenty yet so why are you getting all mid-life crisisy when you haven’t even figured what you want yet. Look at guys your age, they’re just having fun and enjoying their youth when you’re there fast-forwarding into the future. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! How many times have you agreed to date someone when you knew for sure it wasn’t going to work out and have to go through the trials of trying to figure out how to break up with them??????? …………………………….. 

Many……. 

Exactly, just say no when you’re sure because you and I both know there’s no way you’re going to sprout love out of nowhere if it wasn’t there to begin with…. Fine…….. So no compromising when it comes to your hurt, I mean sure when you like them and things are going well you’ll have to do it to ease friction in other areas but not when it comes to your feelings…. Just be honest to them and yourself, okay??? …………………. Sure, it makes sense….”

After that I made a pact with myself and vowed to do right by me and keep my word…………. Didn’t last long, my next post pretty much sums up that colossal failure that is my inability to make rational decisions…………..

Bromance - The Other White Meat

**DISCLAIMER : MAY CONTAIN LOL-CAT LANGUAGE AND OTHER SUB-STANDARD DERIVATIVES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE**

I know, I know, I haven't posted in literally a century-I'm a 3000 year old time lord, DEAL WITH IT- but it's because I haven't had much happening by virtue of the life sucking force that is my school................. okay, that's a lie, I've done pretty awesome stuff these past two months; went to Ronyenjes for a road trip, went fishing, watched a few films here and there, gone out and done stuff people my age are into nowadays but nothing really news worthy but this one I just had to get off my chest........

*clears throat*

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

p.s you are the bad guy... but someone has to be...

I finally got to watch 'Easy A' this week and I have to admit it was a really good watch, other than the fact that I related with the main character(Emma Stone really did that part justice), it really did highlight on a lot of crucial issues that most teens go through(yes, I'm allowed to call myself a teen.. :D) ..... Anyway, I've never really felt like I was normal and fit, which I see right now as a good thing, who really want to be a mindless drone whose only mission is to bow under the pressure of commercialism and capitalism... but I didn't always feel that way, as in come on, it's far much easier to grow up feeling like part of something that trying to be be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, and boy was I different. The only thing that's changed is that individualism is cool and hip now so I actually fit in.... 

Glad that's over.. :)

Not entirely, so I have friends now who like me for me but relationship wise, the further you stray from the norm the less likely you are to find someone who'd take you as you are, and trust me, I am whey off the projected path... Anyway, I left you all at a crucial juncture in my relationship and as the days passed and got nearer to D- Day I actually realised that I was being an ignorant fuck, as in really Dreamer, if any of your friends pulled a stunt like this you'd have given then the lengthiest speech about self worth and keeping one's dignity(which some of my friends gave but I ignored because well, I like seeing how things work out) till they gave in. Took me a while figure out that it wasn't really going to end well because:

just when i thought i had changed turns out i didn't

I thought I was growing and learning to be one of all of y'all, people who reside in the bubble..... But I can't...... I'm sorry , that shit be fake.....
Fashion?? Really??? Because when we wear clothes that are 'in fashion' we'll be transported into the world of the wanted and needed????????????? FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!! Develop a cure for stupid then maybe I'll give you the time of day........... *breathes*
I'm sorry, I'm tied of conforming.. It's a lot of hard work and costs a lot of money... A closet half filled with clothes I will never wear and hours wasted away trying to fit into a society that is as fake as Pam De Beaufort in True Blood Season 4 when the witch casts a rotting spell on her and she needed four shots four times a day of some drug to keep her face from falling off.. I CAN"T!!!! I can't fit in and I can't be someone I'm not just to have a false sense of community....... *empties closet of clothes never to be worn*............. Now that that's done with I can move on to the matter at hand, CHANGE!!!
I've talked about change before but really never did do anything about it........ but I didn't know how to react so It's allowed.... But it's true a couple things have changed since then as well and I'll be covering the top ten changes in my life over the past year before my birthday...


1. I fell in 'nudge'
Let me explain........ Well, it's not really like but not really love as well... it's like limbo.. feeling portions of both emotions at once .... 
This is the first time I've liked someone who I didn't have to change jack for, be it my disposition or even my morals. They take 'loving you for who you are' to a whole new level... My insecurities and transgressions have been laid bare and they liked me even more??? Seems like the perfect person, aye?? WRONG!!! And thank the universe for that, but what I can say is that they're 'perfectly imperfect" and that's fine with me because I nudge them imperfections and all-haven't seen those though but i'm keeping my eyes open-........ 
But most importantly they make me smile=happy=not sulky and that was top on my list... If experience has taught me anything it is that I shouldn't confuse a relationship with seimis twin status. 'NEEDY MUCH???' would suffice in this case..... I finally have someone I want to be with and I'm planning on how to keep them... Now that's change right there.... *they're calling* :D Motivation indeed... *inside joke*

2. I can't stand bitchy any more...
It just hit me that I can't digest the whole bitchy vibe... I think my system just got tired of all that negative energy coursing through my skin like radiation causing little cankerous cells that'll end up killing all the light in my aura making me a spiralling vortex of darkness whose sole purpose is to constantly dish out negative energy only leading in the cycle repeating itself....  Need I say more... *puts patients in quarantine till bitchiness is eradicated* In other words my threshold just broke so jipange........... :P

3. I'm making an effort to be more open and honest to the people in my life
I've always said my upbringing played a big part in my tendency to lie pathologically and seem a tad closed off.. I guess I understand how it can be misconstrued as being mistrustful... Took a while to open up and my inability to know what i feel at any given moment wasn't helping but I think after i realised people need to know what I feel it got easier......... My perceptions had to change from viewing it as 'keeping it all to myself' to 'withholding my opinions and feelings from others'... All of a sudden that old quote' 'No man's an island' doesn't seem as stupid as it did....

#to be continued...... I can't be arsed to go on... *sleeps*

What is a relationship anyway?

Relationships.
I'm not talking family and friends, I'm talking two people coming together to share in a bond wound by love. Gosh, that sounded corny. Anyway, what is a relationship anyway? Apparently, as predicted I don't get. I think a relationship is mostly about companionship. I want someone I can do things with, like go for a play, visit the nearest reserve, try new eateries together but my best friend told me those aren't the things you do with a 'lover', you do then with a 'best friend'.


So, what's a relationship then?

It can't be all about love. I have that but feel like I need more. Maybe this need i have to to get more from the relationship isn't what relationships are supposed to provide. Maybe to fully satisfy myself I need to know what I want and satisfy those needs on my own, and no, I don't mean sex. But on that point, you know you're uber deep in a thick gooey lake of love when you can't picture yourself with anyone other than your significant other. Isn't a relationship supposed to be hard, with temptations at every corner. Maybe I need to not be so in love to fall back in love. I know, I lost myself too. What I'm trying to say is, maybe I should stop obsessing over what the perfect person in my life should be like, stop trying to change who I'm already with and be content with what I've got and fill the void elsewhere. I don't mean cheating or anything close to it but if I want to stay in this relationship, I should plan my dream excursions with my friends.


What is a relationship?

It's anything you want it to be. And this moment, I can live with what I have, as imperfect as it is. In any case, haven't I learnt already? My needs come first so I should find any means possible to meet them. There's more than one way to skin a cat or kill a rat. :)