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Monday, April 14, 2014

Fuck Feelings, Fuck Them All

Fuck feelings.

Fuck them all. I should be studying but all I can think about is the one that snuck in, the one I thought I loved and the one I think is the one.

The one that snuck in was charming and sweet, but bad for me. Kinda like candy. Exactly like candy, found on every street corner, amazing in your mouth and packs a punch full of regret. A couple of "I don't think this should go on" texts later and the countless deletion of your cellphone numbers, and you're all I think about. You never said I love you, you made me happy when you were around and hate myself when you weren't. You gave me all the affection you could muster but that was a drop in the ocean compared to what I deserved. I loved you, I love you, I hated you, I hate you... I want you so bad it hurts... but I don't want to feel this way... You will always be the one I could have dropped everything for but I know I never was and never will be that guy to you. I try so hard to let you go but then this song plays...

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

then you're all I can think about.

The one I thought I loved. I met you when I was in love with someone else (read above), I just didn't know it until I said I loved you and realised I wasn't talking to you. I saw through your flaws and peeked at the wonderful human being underneath all that hurt, but I couldn't be whole for you. I know you loved me regardless but I need to be whole to love back. I still needed mending. I withdrew, it was always about the one that snuck in. I never should have dragged you into this but I'm even more sorry for how I treated you.

The one who could be the one. Emotionally challenged and bad at general communication but I get it. I don't need constant texts asking me how my day went and I feel like whenever I'm with you, my life makes sense, like here and now is where I'm supposed to be, in your embrace. We take it slow, you're busy, I'm busy, we're getting to know each other, it's fresh, I like you, you like me, but all we can do is wait and see. You make me rethink what relationships should be like. We set goals, we achieve them. We try. I just hope it's not all in my head. It wouldn't be the first time.

You're all on my mind. I'm tired.

To the one that snuck in, I just want you to say you love me and leave it all for me but that's never going to happen. I want you to text because I lost your number on purpose but not calling makes me think you love me so call and be the douchebag I want you to be.

To the one I thought I loved. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought I loved you.

To the one I think is the one. Get to know me. Get to really know me. That's all I ask. I'll do the same.

|"Some journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be."

Excerpt from Mohsin Hamid's 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist'

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