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Saturday, May 3, 2014

You Make Me Irrational

You make me irrational
You make me feel alive without even trying
It sort of feels like a flood of love and sadness
A feeling of joy in the connection of our beings
But a darkness hovers at the realisation that it might not be real
That it is all made up in the canvas of my mind
Therein lies the truth of my own self-manipulation

You make me irrational
Having let me in only to throw me out
Discarded like a piece of trash
My feelings justified by the lack of action
The lack of intimacy
The lack of care
But like a tortured dog
I always return to my master for scraps

You make me irrational
My heart bleeds for you
But I do not exist
Only to your eyes when we meet, if we do meet
But to your heart, I'm only a bleep on your radar
Or so I think
I quite possibly do not exist on that plane of your reality
Forever transfixed between universes
In a limbo of uncertainty

You make me irrational
I want you to say it
To say that you love me and that it tears you apart
That you are consumed by the fire that is your love for me, and the thought of my existence
That herein stands the only person that could ever understand you
That would truly love you
That truly sees you
That accepts you
But that would be a lie
For I am one of many fountains that quench your thirst
That substantiate you existence, making you know that you are truly alive
An selfish act in itself

You make me irrational
I want to scream
But I lay here motionless, paralysed by it all
Hating myself for having tore open the wound that was healing
Watching the blood gush hoping that it stops
That you will come by my side and tend to it
As the sun chases after the moon
Or is it the moon to the sun?
In a perpetual dance
Only to meet for minutes
A breathtaking spectacle, that they each hold on to until they meet again

You make me irrational
You're probably asleep
Unaware of the despair you have caused
Unaware of my brooding heart
Unaware of the longing I feel
Unaware of the love that I seek
Unaware of the love I think you hold
Completely oblivious

You make me irrational
You make me doubt myself
You make me hate myself
You make me hate you
You make me do nothing
For it is all my cross to bare
My reality
My wounds
My suffering
Devoid of your existence

I make myself irrational.
You don't deserve me.