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Thursday, July 14, 2011

of exes and labels

The fly is dead…
Found it on my window sill today...
I bet he came to say goodbye… J
Kinda feel like he deserves a burial
Shit! Is it even male?
*attempts to find out gender*
HEEEEEEEEEY!! I wasn’t looking for boy bits.
My best friend ranted about his ex today
Sorta wish he’d give that up and move on
Don’t know where to but anywhere is better than where he is right now
But I’m sure he will soon
Vixan broke up with me today
I know what ya’ll are thinking
That hypocrite,
How dare he hate on his friend for lingering on 'the ex' and tell us he broke up with his ex again?
Well, it’s not that simple
She didn’t like the ambiguity of our current relationship
Nah! ‘Status’ sounds much better
…… current status
I wasn’t leading her on
I promise
We were just having a great time
We both broke up with the people we were dating and started hanging out again
We were exes
We were allowed
It was fun
Now she had to try and define what we have
Made it more complicated
Made it more of an issue
Made it more of a thing
With mass and everything
I don’t like labels
Life’s got too many grey areas to categorize
She had a problem
I tried to fix it
Asked her what she wanted
She said she wanted us to have boundaries
“Have any in mind”, I asked
“Nope, you feel hungry? We should split a serving of chips”, she replied.
She got all ‘dark cloud’ and I was my usual positive self
I’m sorry when I get uncomfortable I tend to laugh a lot
And when she gets this way I don’t know what to do
So I just try to lighten the mood
It’s how I deal with things
Didn’t work
Don’t know how she’s doing
Can’t call because I’ll seem too nice
I like her
Too bad it can’t work out
The fly is dead.
It could be a sign.
Hope is lost.
Guess we’ll just be friends now.
Wasn’t that what we were to begin with?
I'm perplexed.
See why I hate labels?
They just confuse you.

|Fix You- Coldplay

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

looking for a constant amidst all the variables in my life.. *gosh! that sounds geeky*

I have a very charming house guest, a housefly, and surprisingly enough he only shows up at night, probably to keep me company. I found this rather strange at first when I’d switch off my lights and hear sequential buzzing on my wall but grew rather accustomed to it. Even stranger, it’d fly around in protest when I turned them back on, I laughed a lot when it first happened. I’d always leave my window open but always find it at the window sill as I closed them in the evening. It can’t be the same fly I thought, when I was greeted by cheerful display of hoops, dives and loopy loops yesterday night. I remember thinking it was rather overly excited for an uninvited guest and for a moment thought it could have been the same fly that had graced me with its presence a few weeks ago, a man can dream, can’t he? I wouldn't be surprised if it was seeing as the average life span of an adult house fly is 25 days, give or take 5 days.
Should I be worried that I am getting attached to a common household fly?
Maybe not, for all I know I could be craving consistency. You know amidst all the change in my earlier life, I had my cat. After a long day in school or If things got tense in the house I’d go outside, call out and it’d be on my lap ready for a petting session. The world would seem right with the world at that very moment. It’s three years later, we moved out of my grandparents home and my cat died.
Everything is changing but nothing remains the same, not even me.
Gosh I’ve changed, in good ways and bad but I must say it was worth it, experience and all. Getting back to my old self is what’s taking longer than I thought. I’m sure I’ll get there but after a while. Smiles come much easier and life seems a little bit more refreshing as time passes. Went for film today with some of my friends-transformers 3 ROCKKKKSSSS!-and had a blast. There was a little tension-a little misunderstanding,nothing to write home about- but other than that I felt like myself, like i was in my own skin. hadn't felt that in a while... Guess I got my groove back *that's so 90s.. kill me*
Guess there are no quick fixes in life, huh? But the journey's twice as fun as the destination.. J
I really miss my cat though, what he signified and the relationship we had.
Guess I need to find myself a constant amidst all this madness.
Wonder what it’ll be.
But still, hasn't inconsistency been my only constant?
Therefore what if it's everything that's changing and I'm still the same old confused person...
What then?
I may be my own constant....
funny, huh!

|Everybody's changing - Keane

Sunday, July 10, 2011

of new friends, new revelations, letting go and enjoying life

I finally have the laptop it being a weekend et al.
These partial visitations are starting to get old. Every other weekend just doesn’t cut it anymore. I should get one of my own; even so it probably wouldn’t be as sentimental as this one. Gosh! The things this machine and I have been through, shitty viruses that threatened its very existence, the great ownership debate of 2010 and the vista-fication process. I love windows xp’s simplicity but the graphics are shadier than a village raised kamba, I should know, I’m related to some of them. It needed a face lift and looks all nice and fresh now but it's too bad I don’t get to enjoy the benefits of my labour but my mother keeps really good care of him. 
On to other pressing matters, I decided to take life by the balls and stationed four post-its on my door which read:
‘Brush twice a day’
I only fail to follow this whenever I go out drinking. I’m sorry, the moment I get into that house all I can think of is food and sleep. Personal hygiene gets kicked off the train at that point
‘Don’t be lazy.  ‘
As I’ve mentioned time and time again I tend to be a tad lazy.
Okay, maybe a lot but only when I’m not being pressured by projects and school work. Being on break doesn’t help. But I decided I needed the extra push just so that I don’t find myself glued to the bed or sofa with no intent to leave the house whatsoever, at that point I’d rather stay credit-less than step out of the house. My friends would probably second the notion on this post it due to all those failed responses to their texts.
‘Keep my room tidy’
This post-it just points out the fact that I have to keep all my clutter in one place. As my mum always points out, ‘it’s better to have one pile of clutter than many piles strewn all over the place’ … point noted and followed.
The last post-it is the most important and influential
’Make the most of every moment *underlined with a squiggly line*
This refers to my recent depressive blog posts. I figured I’d best tackle the frustration and sadness better by living life by the day.  So, I commissioned this post-it and wouldn’t you know it I was back to my old self in no time… had an awesome time from Wednesday to Saturday this week. It was short lived though.  I usually meet with one of my friend circles in town where we get to catch up, share our experiences and plan more meets and functions. So yesterday there were a few new faces and I took to one of them instantly. This charming young fellow and I got to know each other amidst all the chatter and intrusions and on our usual walk to our bus stops he asked me if he could make a general comment about our first meeting. I’m not one to block off other people’s opinions so I gave the go ahead. I just gazed at him in awe as he went on about a certain sadness radiating from my being and how I wasn’t myself…..
More shock...
It was as if he was narrating a synopsis of my entire blog right there, a man I’ve never met before was explaining my own predicament to my face…
Uhm! I couldn’t talk...
I finally thought I’d found an answer to my problems, the guide to life I’d been looking for, a way to get rid of all the sadness. He mentioned ‘letting go’ and I was taken back to this week’s poetry spot at all saints cathedral. The topic, wouldn’t you know it was all about letting go of all the hurt and pain inflicted by others in our lives. I had forgiven my dad for not being there for most of my life and promised myself to stop calling him ‘the human atm’ unless it was implied as a joke so that wasn’t the cause of all the sadness.
It wasn’t my ex either; I forgave them a long time ago. Yes, the scars still hurt but I had. I wouldn’t say it was an abusive relationship but you know that old children’s saying “sticks and bones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”, well, it’s rubbish. A few comments came my way that hurt but I’m just about over that so that’s not it either.
The random non-related individuals who have infiltrated my life are a bother but not enough to contribute to the sadness even though they have got a lot to do with the frustration. Trying to smother me with parenting a bit too late on one end and being all up in my business on the other. I’m sorry but my family dynamics are a bit too stressful. Feel like I should join my grandfolks in their upcountry estate and forget them all, except my mother of course. 
I think I’ve let go.
But I remember telling my newly acquired friend that after my recent break up the pieces of my heart just didn’t seem to fit together sort of like when you break a ceramic cup and try to glue it back together, it never quite looks the same.
Is that causing the sadness?
Or are the remnants of all these issues causing it?
That I do not know.
But what I do know is that perfect stranger saw it all.
The mask that hold in all the emotions.
The held back tears.
The loss of ‘the thrill to live’.
The efforts it takes to smile.
He saw it all even when all my friends didn’t or did but didn’t point it out.
His answer to all this is simple,
My thoughts on prayer are pretty simple,
I don’t normally burden the lord with my issues and only others because I’m not really sure about my beliefs. One of my earlier mentors told me that it’s much better to believe than to wander around faithless but I pointed out I wasn’t quite faithless. I believe in a higher being but as one whole unit comprising of all living things. The universe. We are all just recycled material anyway moving on to make other things.
A tree.
A lump of rock.
It’s the circle of life.
Where does heaven and hell fit into all this?
Unless you are talking about the hydrogen molecules that are part of my physical body one day being part of a water molecule soaring in the air as a part of the clouds or the carbon molecules in my body one day being part of the magma in the mantle, I have no idea how your idea of the afterlife fits in our existence.
All that said I’m not giving up the idea of praying but just stating that I don’t think it would help.
At the end of our conversation in the bus to my destination he pointed out that I should stop ‘trying to enjoy life’, let go, take it all in and ‘enjoy life’.
Just let go off the sadness?
That simple.
Crying it all out and moving it all out like the popping of a pestering boil, fast and painful but worth it in the end.
Guess I’ll just let go of the sadness, isn’t what people generally do when they pray, give it all up to the Lord.
*grabs a box of tissues*

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

the universe is being unkind and i'm taking it like a man..

He opened my door and asked if i was leaving for town with him basically scaring me half to death. He opened my door and waltzed into my room like it was nothing, like my privacy wasn't worth respecting. For the record my own mother knocks so why does he just walk right in with an air of nonchalance. I lay in bed wondering how i'd explain it all in a way that wouldn't seem disrespectful, maybe through my mother or maybe on the ride to town. Just blurt it out as a way of breaking the mostly comforting silence between us. I can't be arsed to try and get to know him better, i know him well enough and we have nothing in common. I digressed. So how would i do it? wait! i live on a planet called 'passive aggressivon' and i'm their king so i'll just lock the door so that he gets the hint.
Problem solved and crisis averted.

I went shopping today. Planned to go with a few of my friends but the universe had other plans for them and i wasn't going to postpone the trip to gikomba on such a tiny technicality. I set off to the treasure chest that is gikomba to get a couple of things.
Tees with good prints.
Shoes, comfortable.
Jacket, all weather.
Beenie hats.
The trick about shopping in gikomba or any other open-air market is to try and not have a very specific idea of what you want cz u'll miss the really cool stuff that wouldn't fit ur criteria to the tee. I was there for the better part of the morning 'korogain' for shoes and rummaging through piles of clothes just to get one or two items. In other words, i was exhausted by 1.30. I got most of what i wanted, walked to town and met my step-mother who insisted she needed to take me shopping. HELLO! i'm not 8yrs old and secondly, don't you think u're overstepping the boundary just a bit.
It's a conspiracy i tell you.
'Attack of the estranged non-relatives' ..

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I'm lost again...but closer to the finish line

If any of you has watched ben10: alien force you know about the 'high breed' .. don't call the psyche hospital just yet..
i like how they played around with the pun, you know, 'hybrid' and 'high breed' especially when they're a race that is totally against the existence of other species and who's worst nightmare would be to interbreeding. so, in the end of the first season(i think), ben10 and one of the high-breed -who's arm got severed, replaced with a plant arm, tried to kill himself because he wasn't pure and finally realised that other species matter too- stopped a giant tree creature, that was created by the high-breed, from blowing up the earth and consequently reversing the genetic damage that was caused by the high-breed's inbreeding, teaching them that they should embrace other species..
what was my point again? yeah!
so, imagine I'm the high-breed, everyone else is some other sort of specie and there's no ben10.. you guessed it, you all die and my race withers away because of all the inbreeding.. I need a ben10 to help me through this all.. someone to make me see clearly, like that moment you're sent to the eye doctor for glasses and you think you can see then pow! you realise you'd missed all that.. and all this feeling.. gosh! i was told i need to name it.. the emotion.. to get through it.. makes sense though..
anger.. not really..
guilt.. nope!
sorrow.. nah!
shame?? ah! ah!
confusion.. wait! is that emotion? no! but it does explain a lot..
Ah huh! frustration.. I'm frustrated

that was easy, i think........
but what am i frustrated about?
a long list can be drafted....
need to get a journal...
that should help...
or a writing pad..
jot it all down..
get the emotions on paper..
then sort that isht out....
this stale funk of neediness and emotional turmoil is cramping my style..

but the key reason I'm frustrated is because i have no control over anything.....
here's one more,
i'm scared
i'm scared that one of these days everything will crumble and fall....
that the people i care for will vanish....
i don't like waiting for bad things to happen but that's exactly what i'm waiting for...
i can't live life this way...