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Friday, August 23, 2013

I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.

ted mosby something wrong with me

Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell

I slipped

Reached out and got the door slammed in my face

I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.

Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.

Then the anger, with life in general

Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.

Asked the universe to give me what I need.

Then I remembered,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.

Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.

I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.


I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Broken Record that is my Life

I'm back to square one, I'm not shocked by this.
I always do the exact same time every single time.
I'm tired of talking about it.
But I have to.
I have to constantly remind myself so that I don't forget.
But I did.


I'm always in such a hurry to enjoy life that I end up deluding myself into thinking I'm happy and content because the scenario I'm in is conducive to such emotions.
Either that or I have "chronic dissatisfaction".

gif Black and White smile unhappy question black and white gif ? smile gif smile not

I honestly think I do. My father pointed it out once, that's when I knew I was sunk. All I really want is to be with someone fun. I didn't know how hard that was until now. I met someone who fit the bill, sorta. It was the first honest relationship I'd had in a while. We both liked each other and it seemed like all my worries would be over.

You can tell there's a 'but' coming

But I didn't feel right. It felt like one of my past relationships, where I couldn't be myself. It was like I felt judgement whenever I walked out of the box they made. Like I was only allowed to be a certain percentage of myself around them, and anything more was frowned upon.
I'm a pretty wild character, I don't do well with confinement.
That was pretty relevant.
We broke up soon after.

I wasn't ready to be with someone who wasn't okay with letting me be myself. Part of being an emotionless psychopath, is that I never really know what I feel till it's too late. My one regret, is that I didn't try harder. I don't really feel it though. I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing I did. I just didn't want to be in a relationship but didn't want to lose a chance to find the person of my dreams.
They could have been.
OK Then

But they weren't.

I deserve better.

This time I believe it.
It's not just talk.

I'm taking my time. No rush. I am not dating again for a long time.
A Real Housewife Reaction Gif For Every Situation

Shoot me if you find a blog post about another failed relationship.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Well That Was ShortLived

I'm blogging again. I stopped because I always thought that thinking it out, my usual way of sorting stuff out, was enough. Well, it isn't.

Here goes nothing.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The End, For Now.... It's all about Sorting the Clutter

It has been a while since I blogged.

It's not that I don't have anything to say, or that I have too much to say but that I don't think I should be sharing it. Most of the time when I'm seated at my desk as I am right now, I'm always torn between sharing as much as I should while not caring or not sharing as much while completely loosing the point all together. In a perfect world I'd love to share as much as I could on all the ups and downs I encounter through the journey that is my life but sadly, I can't.

I don't fear rejection or judgment, I thrive on it. I think sometimes human beings need a kick in the butt, that's what reality is, a never ending reminder that you are less important than you think you are. What really has changed is my reason for blogging. Sitting now, I feel the flow of words and emotions filling me up and flowing onto my screen and I love it. I used to blog to share but now I feel like that changed. I started blogging to think. And how can I possibly think when I can't share all the thoughts in my head. I'm in awe at all the wonderful bloggers out there that put in all their heart and soul into sharing and changing the world. I love it.

I'm not quitting. I'll still blog but privately. My mind can't contain all my thoughts, but neither can my open blog. If you feel this blog has helped you in any way, kindly post a comment and I might be convinced to blog about the stuff that really matters but only if you need me to.

So it's the end, for now.... Just to sort out the clutter.

P.S I have two last posts from a whiiiiiiiiiiiiiile back, when I was about 18. They aren't the happiest of posts but they are real.


Seeing the World from Different Eyes

Was the world always this simple?
The sky always blue
Not a shade formed by the refraction of light in our atmosphere?
The grass always green
Not the colour of chlorophyl?
Time so slow
Not super fast and beyond my reach
Love, pure
Not a bunch of calculated moves and desires
Choices, direct
Not complex mathematical variables
Thoughts, opinions
Not delusions I must get rid off
Peace, in my soul
Not found before the creation of the britches
Order, mine to keep
Not to be enforced by some outside force
My life, My own
Not someone else's to hold
Not someone else's to control
Not someone else's to subject to pain
Not someone else's to subject to torture
Not someone else's to subject to suffering
Not someone else's to cage
Not someone else's to beat up
Not someone else's to hide away in some corner
Not someone else's to hold hostage
Not someone else's to beat life out of
But my own..

If they call them ‘the Ups and Downs of Life’, why do I always feel like I’m always down?

I get roller coasters
Hills and valleys are basic knowledge
And gravity
You know
'All that goes up must come down', right?
But why do I always feel like gravity does its job a bit too well
Holding me tight
Doesn't give up the fight
Keeping my glued to the ground with all its might
Unable to soar in the air

Okay, not soar but feel weightlessness for that mere instant
Instant gratification
Short-lived pleasures
Is that all we live for?
The bliss that pops up between the mists of insanity
Not my insanity
I mean the insanity plaguing the world
More often than not I feel like the outsider

Don't give me that
'Everyone feels like an outsider once in a while crap'
I feel it all the time
Feels like everyone's looking out for numero uno
And I'm stuck trying to solve the problems of people who don't seem to need it

Wait! I've blogged this already
Problem not solved then
Why is it everytime you try finding yourself
You end up more confused and relatively more lost
That you were in the beginning


It's worse when you're stuck between
Happiness that involves making everyone around you miserable
Conforming to the whims of society
Sucking it in
Going against your nature
Or nurture as some people think
And creating the illusion of happiness
All in an effort to make everyone else around you comfortable
It sucks, don't it?

In some twisted way, we can logically say
We're born to make everyone else happy
It's my life
Sod off!
Yes, I feel frustration
I'm only human………….

Or so I think
Maybe not
And if so
There's something off
Coz' they aren't…………………………….

What must I constantly be in search of happiness
Aren't I happy?
Well, maybe I am
But this can't be it
It's more like contentment
Content with what I have
What is true happiness?
Getting what I want?
What am I fighting for?
An idea?
Is it worth fighting for?
Is it attainable?
Is it all worth it?
Isn't death what awaits us in the end?
Is it all in vain?
Are we like ants
Tortured by a preschoolers
Under a magnifying glass
On a sunny day?
Sure sounds like it, don't it?