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Monday, February 21, 2011

from gari with love

It was my best friends birthday two weeks ago and it being the last day of my first semester's finals it was definately a blessings from a blessing from the gods. So, 'we' got him the awesomest gift ever, two cards of different years that add up to his actual age (we're awesome like that) and I got him some super delicious hush cookies and boy, did we get high, okay, i got stoned and everyone enjoyed every moment of it.. :) I remember a lot dancing, swimming, running in circles, blacking out in some instances and having truck loads of fun since everyone was there and as well as the source of my emotional rollercoaster rides and general feeling of love . I liked it.

I needed a break from all the worrying and just enjoy life and as luck would have it i was starting my short break.. :) So, i took up watching bleach from scratch and as most of you know it's a quite a task in itself seeing as bleach has over 300 episodes under it's belt.. :) Anyway, that would take up my time in the house and distract me from my irrational fear of being hurt, emotionally. We said we'd start communicating more but it seems that I started and they stopped, not really stopped but the decline was drastic. There's that and this weird feeling I get when i get lectured-for luck of a better word- or feel a lecture coming on about something so lame like brushingmy hair in public-i used brushing because technically it's too short to comb.. :)-and showing up at their door step unannounced- well, isn't that what you call a surprise- because i wanted to spend time with them. I'm confused and not in a dumbfounded way but in a confused enough to laugh sort of way so I'm taking it easy and not letting it bother me..

I found myself at my favourite restaurant, gari on friday morning reading the art of war as i drank i ccup of tea. Nothing special happened after that apart from the sol filosofia album launch and it was AMAZING.. :)Got to buy their cd and fought my way through to get it autgraghed and it was totally worth it because their music is so upeat and frankly i like it more since it's kenyan. We really need to encourage more uprising talent to take it to the stage and sing their hearts out. Anyway, i feel like i should have paid more than 500shs for it but who am i to complain. I met every single one of my friends-obviously i didn't but it felt like it- and i really kept myself undercontrol concidering i wasn't quite sober. The night went on without a hitch and when the event was over i went to my friend's place for a sleepover and fun was definately had. We ended up making chips from scratch and i prepared my world famous kachumbari- a mix of tomatoes, onions, corriander leaves and a dash of vinegar and lemon juice- and fell asleep at around 4am. Ended up going to my dad's that evening. Always great spending time with my siblings and grand mother. Had a spat with my significant other on the very next day, sorted it out i guess and ended up in gari in the evening. I sure do love me some tea.

I guess my plan's working after all, time to live and let live. :)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Finding balance where once there was none

Earlier I was trying to find out what a relationship is and what is needed to keep it healthy..

I figured relationships are what you make them.. I guess the only way to keep a relationship strong is to find a way to meet each others needs.. Love is sacrifice.. And with sacrifice comes reward..

It's Valentine's tomorrow, already have my gift nicely placed in my bag for use tomorrow.. Sorta feel bad that I didn't get them something as well although I don't view Valentines day as a holiday worth celebrating. Shouldn't love be celebrated every single day? Instead we've been brainwashed by corporates into spending all this money on cheap decorations and creating a false feeling of happiness as if all the problems you had before as a couple are simple erased. And for those who's luck has been nothing but present, this day reminds them of what they haven't found or lost forcing them to find anyone to be with just to prevent the feeling of inadequacy. Isn't this what Valentine's day is all about?

To show my disgust towards the commercialism of love i'll be sporting black tomorrow.. :)

Anyway, I guess I'm finally content and happy with the way things hafe turned out in every aspect of my life..

My relationship
My family
My social life

It feels good having things going my way for a change.. Hope it lasts..

Sunday, February 6, 2011


I am not going to think so much.
I am not going to think so much.
I am not going to think so much.
I am not going to think so much.

Wait! I'm doing it right now.

Breath! Breath!
Why do these thoughts haunt me.
All these possibilities calling like oil to an oilrig.
Oil pollutes, oil kills and only man gains from it,
But short term pleasures they be, for in the future they regret it.
All these problems, created by man and only a few feel the need to solve it,
Are we happy in our own aboards, complete with filth, grime and dirt,
that we can't see the fact that we need more that just that.

So many thoughts my brain always has but so few infact are of myself.
A problem it is to feel for others before myself and I fear it will harm me unintentionally.
To live for myself is the thing i need to figure out slowly. For if i do not look after myself who will surely.
For they all have their own burdens to keep.

So breath I tell you ol' brain of mine for the world can wait,
for it itself has sealed it's own fate..

Clear your mind till only you, you see and only then will you live for thee.


What is a relationship anyway?

I'm not talking family and friends, I'm talking two people coming together to share in a bond wound by love. Gosh, that sounded corny. Anyway, what is a relationship anyway? Apparently, as predicted I don't get. I think a relationship is mostly about companionship. I want someone I can do things with, like go for a play, visit the nearest reserve, try new eateries together but my best friend told me those aren't the things you do with a 'lover', you do then with a 'best friend'.

So, what's a relationship then?

It can't be all about love. I have that but feel like I need more. Maybe this need i have to to get more from the relationship isn't what relationships are supposed to provide. Maybe to fully satisfy myself I need to know what I want and satisfy those needs on my own, and no, I don't mean sex. But on that point, you know you're uber deep in a thick gooey lake of love when you can't picture yourself with anyone other than your significant other. Isn't a relationship supposed to be hard, with temptations at every corner. Maybe I need to not be so in love to fall back in love. I know, I lost myself too. What I'm trying to say is, maybe I should stop obsessing over what the perfect person in my life should be like, stop trying to change who I'm already with and be content with what I've got and fill the void elsewhere. I don't mean cheating or anything close to it but if I want to stay in this relationship, I should plan my dream excursions with my friends.

What is a relationship?

It's anything you want it to be. And this moment, I can live with what I have, as imperfect as it is. In any case, haven't I learnt already? My needs come first so I should find any means possible to meet them. There's more than one way to skin a cat or kill a rat. :)

Wait a minute!

Let's just say everything isn't as it should be and yes, it has been like that for a while. The thing is, I'm not happy.

I know I've said that a lot and the sad fact is, no one really is. Being a grown up suck goat balls mainly because no one really tells you how alone you'll feel in the sence that people will be around you but no one will really care about what's going on in your life. And I think that's what I've been looking for in my relationship, someone who cares about me as much as I do myself and we all know that isn't going to happen. I'm better off marrying myself like those people. You know, the ones who marry inanimate objects just to fill the void. I think the humiliation of marrying something lifeless and essentially an outward reflection of yourself is far much appealing than the idea of being alone. I tell my friends all the time about my perfect soulmate but in the end they all think I'm describing myself. Maybe I should just get it over with and stop trying to make things bend to my whim.

What am I feeling?

Do I really know? I basically don't know what to do. Life isn't a jigsaw puzzle where every piece fits and everyone gets the same picture in the end. It's so bad that I don't really know what a relationship is anymore. If it's what I have now, celibacy is looking pretty attractive right about now. Not because we're falling on hard times or anything but because I don't know whether we're doing what we're doing right or whether or not my ideal relationship is realistic.

Or am I the problem?

It's simple deduction. If everything doesn't seem right then it's more likely that you are the problem. Maybe I really am the problem because everyone's fine the way things are. Everyone has daddy issues and live their lives just fine. Everyone is broken and still manage to wake up most mornings with a smile on their faces and generally continue on with life no matter their issues.

Why do I feel compelled to be perfect and in that, make my life perfect too. Why can't I have it all? Am I too much of an idealist?

Why can't I have things the way I want them?

I think I can. But I'm approaching things in the worst possible way, by trying to solve problems I have no control over. I think I should take the serenity prayer to heart.

'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right If I surrender to Your Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen'

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Worst week of my life

I guess I've had worse weeks before but this one takes the cake. Not because of the magnitude of the problens, they aren't that bad but it's the way they all came in. Actually, it's not really the worst week of my life, it's more like the worst year, or at least the beginning of it. First, there's the whole incident with my folks that lead to the 'trust' issue, and no, I don't mean a brand of condoms. Then there's the thing about my love life and how I don't really know what's going on. I think I'll touch on the latter at the end seeing as that's when I finally figure out what I want.

Last Saturday, my environmental youth group and I were in Dandora for a clean-up exercise for which took us close to about three months to actually plan for. We all had hope that this would be a better wat of creating awareness about climate change and our effect on the environment. So, there we we're in Dandora Secondary School, shovels, rakes and wheelbarrow's in hand ready to leave our mark on the residents of Dandora. Little did we know that it would be they that would leave a lasting impression on us. It's this simple, if the people of Dandora really wanted to live in a clean area, they would. We learnt this the hard way when they stole most of our equipment and offered us the garbage from their own homes to dispose of as they stood there watching us, some even shouting at us, telling us that it would be back to its usual dirty self in a week. I lost hope in human nature that day. The idealist in me got stopped in his tracks and told to face reality. And the reality is, that humans are a bunch of selfish, inconsiderate, back stabbing idiots. Okay, there are a select few that, like me think that the world has the ability to change for the better, but with everyone out for their own interests, is there hope?