Let's just say everything isn't as it should be and yes, it has been like that for a while. The thing is, I'm not happy.
I know I've said that a lot and the sad fact is, no one really is. Being a grown up suck goat balls mainly because no one really tells you how alone you'll feel in the sence that people will be around you but no one will really care about what's going on in your life. And I think that's what I've been looking for in my relationship, someone who cares about me as much as I do myself and we all know that isn't going to happen. I'm better off marrying myself like those people. You know, the ones who marry inanimate objects just to fill the void. I think the humiliation of marrying something lifeless and essentially an outward reflection of yourself is far much appealing than the idea of being alone. I tell my friends all the time about my perfect soulmate but in the end they all think I'm describing myself. Maybe I should just get it over with and stop trying to make things bend to my whim.
What am I feeling?
Do I really know? I basically don't know what to do. Life isn't a jigsaw puzzle where every piece fits and everyone gets the same picture in the end. It's so bad that I don't really know what a relationship is anymore. If it's what I have now, celibacy is looking pretty attractive right about now. Not because we're falling on hard times or anything but because I don't know whether we're doing what we're doing right or whether or not my ideal relationship is realistic.
Or am I the problem?
It's simple deduction. If everything doesn't seem right then it's more likely that you are the problem. Maybe I really am the problem because everyone's fine the way things are. Everyone has daddy issues and live their lives just fine. Everyone is broken and still manage to wake up most mornings with a smile on their faces and generally continue on with life no matter their issues.
Why do I feel compelled to be perfect and in that, make my life perfect too. Why can't I have it all? Am I too much of an idealist?
Why can't I have things the way I want them?
I think I can. But I'm approaching things in the worst possible way, by trying to solve problems I have no control over. I think I should take the serenity prayer to heart.
'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right If I surrender to Your Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen'