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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Fine! You are an 'issue'..

I ignore you every single day.. Subconciously omitted from my thoughts abd thought process.. The itch in my bum, the thorn in my side and the pebble in my foot.. You weren't an issue as long as you didn't affect me at all but now you've done more than that..

I look at people who are overweight differently..
Not in any way that would be deemed prejudicial but because I don't like you everything about you pisses me off from your juvenile behavior to your fat.. You disgust me and I don't like you to the point it almost seems like hate..
So just DIE!!! ..

As for my general outlook on people who maybe overweight, you are to blame and I wish you were never born..

The sad reality that is my life.. why do i bother??

Life is one whole continuous cycle. A film in a loop never really changing much. I'm bored and tired of all this madness. It's not really madness but it comes close.

Why can't i get what i want sometimes. I live a simple enough life, not that too cluttered to confuse myself in terms of my basic needs and some needless wants. With that in mind, you should have figured I don't ask for much.
So why not throw me a bone one of these days?? My life has always been like this. No expectations. It's simple like that but hurtful when nothing actually bares fruit and even worse when promises come your way and dont pull through either.
Ask for a laptop, wait a whole year..(i don't mind the wait buy would it kill you to surprise me once in a while??)
Get promised a big holiday, go to shags instead.(don't plant a thought in my head when you know it won't work.. havent you noticed i don't get excited anymore?? i love spending time with the family.. i'm sure to have fun-no matter how forced my expressions may be-)
Meet the person of your dreams, they don't give you what you want or need out of the relationship.. (i love you but please! would it kill you to actually do something.. anything.. i'm supposed to be the sunshine in the rain that may come into your life, so don't make me feel like jusr anothet raindrop)
My life is sad enough when you have a truck load of insecurities but add the fact that nothing goes for you and that's too much to handle.
I don't wanna give up completely.. I'm already at 10%, if i get any lower i'll be borderline suicidal.. Cut me some slack and let something good come my way..

Monday, December 13, 2010

for the love of food

"I love food"

This statement rolls off my tongue almost everyday. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day, all I think about is food. I feel like a child again on the eve of his birthday. The anticipation builds as that plate of food draws nearer and nearer and as it gets laid on my table

Food is my mistress.
I am filled with the pleasure it gives me..

"I love food"

Friday, November 12, 2010


I haven't written or even drafted a post in a while. You could call it writer's block but I'd call it 'lack of an opinion'. My posts are influenced by what revolves around me, a feeling, my experiences and those of others as well. Masculinity has always been a subject I could never sink my teeth into and fully understand. You could say the lack of male role models may have contributed to my lack of 'need' to do what I find most men do so flawlessly. But I'd argue that what people deem as masculine is based on what the society has influenced men to become through the remnants of older generations and behavioral traits. Case in point, most people would describe German men as cold, distant n devoid of empathy. That's what masculinity is defined as there, no matter how odd you may think it may be.
In my society, masculinity is based on three main things; beer, sports and promiscuity. Everything else relates to these three one way or another. My problem is this rigid box that all men are kept in and how lonely the outskirts of this 'box' are. You could argue that if you break the confines of this box, freedom and inward growth would be found but at what price??
If you aren't masculine then what are you? effeminate?? As a self-proclaimed non-conformist, my view is that people should live their lives as they want to. Life is too short to throw away living someone elses life. I am outside that box. No guidelines, no footprints, nothing but the beating of my heart to guide me to a much better existance. It's not a need to rebel but a need to be free. I don't want to sit down in a pub watching a football game with me mates or pick up fights to prove my selfworth. I want to explore the landscapes, take in the richness of cultures, swim in the pool of diversity and be a better me. I will not be bogged down.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Mashujaa Day

Finally, a kenyan holiday without all that fake arse pomp n glory but one that actually means something to the people..
Mashujaa mainly means heroes in swahili so we set this day aside to pay tribute to them.. Formally Kenyatta day, the new constitution made a memorable holiday into a day that everyone can use to turn the looking glass inward and find that someone who's greatly impacted on their life..
So, who is that person?? Who is my hero?? ..
The usual suspects..
Mi mum
(She's really been my inpiration all my life)
Mahatma Gandhi
(bless his soul)
Cpt. Jack Harkness
(Someone I can finally relate to)
(Cz you showed me what it really means to be in love)

My Mashujaa day was spent at home watching Torchwood.. lol .. thus the Cpt. Jack Harkness reference.. Didn't go to Woogie's coz school's starting to take away my soul.. :( Will get to meet W during the week so no biggie.. Anyway, my heroes really mean alot to me and basically shape my life and for that I say,
Thank you all.. =D

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I want to be friday so bad!!!

Sitted outside alliance, enjoying the breeze since the blasted day was so effing hot.. My shorts n sandles didn't make a difference btw..
Orientation week has been unpleasant.. Long arse lectures about God knows what, delayed registration, the realisation that I'll probably live with my mum till I'm thirty and the seemingly long distances I have come to walk daily are taking it's toll on me.. I'm not going to as happy as I thought.. People are starting to bond on campus while I stay home cooking, serving food and wishing I was some place else.. I'll probably make friends later but not close life friends.. Go out a couple times n then what?? .. Uni life sucks on my end.. Guess I'll never fit in..

Just wish today wud hv be friday so that I'd be more relaxed n less tired.. Can my life get any worse?? Wait!! Jinxed it.. ««low battery»»

Monday, October 11, 2010

Last day of freedom.. Education awaits..

It's monday, the 11th of October, my last day as a carefree, living-for-the-day, plotless youth..
Tomorrow I start my tertiary education.. Today, on the other hand has been fine bt had a gruesome afternoon with endless queues-I'm writing this post in one- to say the least..
Woke up early got to town early enuf-with help from mother dearest-to get space in the alliance library-watched E.T en français.. It was rather intresting watching E.T explain that he had to contact his home.. "E.T .. Telephoner.. Maison" .. N Elliot all flabbergasted seeing as E.T can speak.. "Il parlè" .. Anyway, Steven Spielberg did a great job directing it.. Truly a classic.. Had a sudden urge for Najmi's kebab and chips-this has got nothing to do with the free tomato sauce but has everything to do with how they make them taste so vegetarian- .. I did go vegan once for about a month until my weight reduced tremendously n I figured I'd disappear into oblivion.. Met up with Goth Princess n shared my meal.. Walked around with her as we talked about how badly I need to learn how to use my photoshop n my solution, tutorials, they're just a mouse click away.. We parted ways n she was off to her usual business.. Made it back uptown to sit down n read a few pages of my current book, 'Man and Boy' before I was off n around town standing in long queues paying or withdrawing sums of money for school..
I'm about to start on the journey that's going to shape my life.. With less years on my belt n as much experience as most of my peers.. These days have to be the best days of my life.. New experiences, new surroundings, new friends n sme old ones and a new outlook on life.. Let's see how tomorrow goes.. :) .. Can't wait..

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

OMG! I'm grown up..

I'm seventeen..
Two more days and I'm legal.. :-) .. I know I shud be happy getting to this iconic stage of my life, my independence.. But to be honest, I'm already independent.. The things I shud be looking forward to I've already done..

I can rave..
I shud be all happy that I can rave openly now n not all secretly like my teenage counterparts but I dnt drink n rave though so no biggy ..

Get to vote!!
I've already voted so that's outta the way ..

My own bank account..
Owned one long enough to get my atm card stolen.. lol ..

My national ID...
I've been using my passport for a while now with no issues so no difference there..

I guess what I'd consider as a milestone is finding myself, spiritually.. Finding Friends.. I joined Quakerism.. Not because I needed a religion or an identity but because it represents what I've always stood for and knew in my heart.. :-) .. And I feel at home..

My only issue is that I just don't want to lose my youth.. Not my charmingly good looks-had to put that in there.. :-) - or my youthful energy but my childish spirit.. That spark that makes me, me.. My essence, my soul, my life.. God! ..

I know my whole life's ahead of me so I really am going to live life to the fullest.. :-) ..

Monday, October 4, 2010

Is love enough??

"Do I love you??"

This question pops into my mind every time I look into your eyes..
I know I say I do but do I? ..
I never saw myself with someone like you, in the begin I did think it was possible but now I'm a tad bit sceptical..
You know how when you start a relationship you're filled with so many expectations and visions of ur possibly beautiful time together. Not forever but for the time you are together then they burst your bubble, reality checks in and you are'nt as happy as you thought you'd be..
It cud be the age difference.. Or maybe that's my excuse. No, wait! It cud be the age difference. We cnt be seen together n feel ok, we're at different stages of our lives and just being together is'nt enough.. Our needs are different and you aren't fulfilling mine and I sure ain't fulfilling yours with the thrill and need it should take..

"Do I love you?"

Maybe I do but it's not enough.. I need more.. I don't care that I feel like I do all the work in this relationship and the broken promises don't bother me at all but I dnt feel like I want to be with you.. And that's the scarey bit..

"Do I love you?"

Maybe not. I'm tired of waiting for the wave of a wand to make everything better, make you more of what I want or make me less needy, less of an adventurer, less of an extrovert and basically not me. I can't change too.. :-( ..

"Do I love you?"

I do but it's not everything. Happiness is my goal and I'm not even content with being your boyfriend leave alone in love with the idea..
I think I'd be better not being ur significant other. I think we'd be better off not 'together'..
Worse is I might break it off right before my birthday..

"Do I love you?" ..

I don't want to.. :-( ..

Monday, May 17, 2010

the beauty of friendship

Friendship..means different things to different people. I for one think that friendship is not just making new acquaintances but learning from them and thus being a better person through it.. That's what friendship has taught me, to accept, to love, to be and to share.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

the human psyche

You know how that saying goes.."the older you get the wiser you get"?? Well,I don't think that saying was talking about me.I'm not blowing my own horn but I think I"m an old soul.That's the only reasonable explanation to why I'm so philosophical. Todays thought revolves around the human need to want more.
From experience I've drawn that I always need something,someone or anything just to make me a bit happier. If it's that special someone or that lovely cologne or even that day out just chilling I always want something and when my mum said these words something just clicked, " Why do our stomachs never get full. Why are we always hungry?? ".
Why is it we are all filled with this need to want so much? World domination, a better lover, just one more pair of shoes,that coat in the window-because it's whey better than the one i bought last week-, a larger house, a better job, a better life and even when we get it all we still want it all.
Maybe colonize a planet or two, be God and some other overly ambitious plots and schemes. Why can't we just be content when we get there? When we have that steady job, monthly savings scheme, that soul-mate you aren't to fond of because you think you're to good for them? Why aren't we content?? Happy with what you want rather than furious at what we can't get and just live.

#Smile like you mean it-The killers

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

the epitome of venting

This is my predicament. I haven't applied for uni yet. I know, i know, i should have done it three months ago but I was BUSY.. And not BUSY-African style- I mean BUSY-like working in a job busy-. The thing is I have till 14th of May to do IT but I haven't cleared with my school yet-which seems to be bearing no fruits- and I have to clear my fees-not the exaggerated 11,000 shs they say i had but the 4,000 shs I know I didn't pay only because it's for some bogus tuition we supposedly got but didn't- then pay for an application then apply then wait to get in then worry about how I'll pay for it all.
Life is just the ish,isn't it? Worries at every turn with random sporadic jolts of fun and then some. Truth be told I'm usually positive and all but COME ON can't a guy get a break?? Scratch that,I Anyway,I'm marching myself over to that school early in the morning with my receipts at hand and getting myself signed out. And that's is going to happen whether you like it or not universe. Kiss my cosmic butt and then some.
Anyway,enough about that,let's go to my love life. I'm still searching but I think I found one. You know who u are. Anyway,our late night calls and texts just lit up my heart and I'm sprang. Given my past and my vow to fall in love you have another thing coming. No holding back,no cheating-or attempted cheat or not really cheating but pretend-to-cheat-so-you'd-break-up-with-me cheating. So,I'll tell you when it all gets juicy.

Monday, May 3, 2010

relationship aftermath

Dealing with exes is both tiring and a mind game. Sure you want to seem over each other when your not and look like you’ve moved on when you’re stuck in relationship limbo and they've apparently got new bait. And the sad thing this whole mess is that you weren't really in love and your attempts at looking miserable work out too well. Being exes is hard enough without the weird after friends effect. You know. When you were friends before then you become more than that then you end up as friends by default because your friends are friends and all you want to do is be friendly and all your attempts seem like feeble attempts of getting them back then you try not to seem too involved then you end up looking like the bad guy. Truth be told I am moving on and the sad thing is I don't want you to know,not because I'm being defensive or anything,It's just because you are too so by looking all sad and single you have a better chance of doing so.
I want us to be friends and all but you make it so hard with your boyish attempts at making me feel bad. I don't want to see who you've moved on with I just want us to be strings deep rooted feelings of revenge..none of that ,just pals..that's all I want..

| this ain't a love song-scouting for girls

Friday, April 30, 2010

nuovo inizio ©

It's a new beginning in my life. Out with the old and into the new. I find it vital to do this once in a know..clean up the gutter that is your life and start afresh. 
My reason is simple.. 
I've never felt love. 
Not Agape love. 
I mean intimate feelings towards someone. 
I usually end up in relationships for these reasons

a) I feel bad for you
b) Your cute and i think it might work but it doesn't
c) Your my type but i'm scared of letting go

I'm just tired of it all and thought i'd need the change. I've hurt whey too many people to just continue living like I can't comprehend emotions. My new beginning is letting my guard down and feeling for once. Getting hurt-emotionally- I think is one of the many experiences of life.
I want to live not survive.
I want to feel not control.
I was to let go and breath in for once and not wear a mask everyday of my life.

I'm letting go.

|Break Your heart-Taio Cruz