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Sunday, November 20, 2011

love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

That was it.... I think after going through one of my classic over-analysing spasms I had thought myself into nothingness... Let me clarify, I dissected into the topic until nothing was left but the reason I desperately want to be in love..... and I didn't know what it was.... Shocking aye? Spending all this time searching for stability, fun, love and not knowing what urge I was satisfying or why I felt this urge in the first place.... I spent this Friday afternoon having a chat with one of my best friends-yes, I have a list- and she'd recently gotten out of what I'd thought was what all relationships should be made of, why else would it have lasted roughly two and half years? The conversation went something like this-I may have taken a few liberties in making it seem a little bit more comical than it truly was-:
-It wasn't working because he wasn't giving me what I wanted and he himself felt like he wasn't giving me a hundred percent..... I just want to feel wanted and engaged in the whole thing.. If I feel we aren't moving somewhere then what are we doing? It's not that I'm looking for husband material, maybe I am, but I'm at that point in life where I should enjoy life and maybe I should screw my need to find Mr perfect and find Mr youthful and fun... but straight men are jerks.. and finding one with the same values as I have or something close and who won't try to push me into doing anything other than what i feel comfortable doing will be like looking for pathogen in a sterilised lab...
-OMG! I know what you mean... You know what you want, list already formulated in your head and all you do is wait for the perfect specimen to come into your net and .... BAM! you've got your prince charming.. but it also makes you wonder whether you fall in love-I actually said like and thought infatuation- with the idea of the person or the person themselves...
-TOTALLY! I've always felt that I give men I like the same level of acceptance, no discrimination, other than the fact that they are arty and have a philosophical bone in their body.... but once I see myself having a chance with them I quickly fast forward into the future trying to extrapolate the length of time we have together and the likelihood of being held in matrimony...
-SHUT UP! I do the exactly the same thing, remember when I had unwillingly thought myself into a relationship without the other party knowing-gosh! i am weird-.... so should we even be looking for love or trying to live??... I'm saying this cz we both just came out of relationships and seeing as you've gotten back into your same pattern of liking guys who remotely fit your standards and I'm off dreaming of person Y. Maybe we should take a break and have a love detox...
-I agree.. I know I should be taking it easy and letting time takes its course.....
-but you feel like life will have more meaning if you share your love with someone..
-Not really, it's just that..... Let's take a break and not think about it now...

It really didn't end that way but that was all I could take from it since our conversation was cut short but you do get where I'm coming from...
Why do I have this constant need to feel loved and give love?
-Is it an emotional thing? Gosh! Am I that emotional?
-Is it a response to boredom like my Dermatophagia and Dermotillomania- I know I have issues, usinistress-?
-Is it a cause of consumerism and commercialism, depicting happiness as being in love or having affection towards another human being?
Should I stop worrying about the cause and think about what I should do about it:
-continue with my obsession-for luck of a better word-?
-internalise and figure out why I have this urge?
-ignore it and live life?


My conclusion, stay single, take it slow and see what happens-gave myself a year, no take backs *kalamba down* -.......
Funny how time moves on but things really never change...  Take for instance my stand on religion, I have no reason to doubt that there lives an omni-(name it) being out there but one thing is for certain, if the worlds religions are depiction of that God then I'd rather be atheist. The only religion that even came close to the ideal God is Buddhism, which I read on and loved but I still felt like religion is a bit constricting, why can't we all shed all that divides us and agree that we are all striving to please the same God and live in peace and harmony? .. Idealistic you say? I agree, at the end of the day we are dealing with human beings with all matter of vices and virtues... See why I turned atheist for three frigging days? So I'm off the fence, to me there is no fence.. It's not a decision between theism and atheism.. its a decision between believing and not believing.. And I believe... I'll explain it all later, in depth...

You could argue that this ideal spiritually intertwined world isn't going to happen, same as my need to want to save the world from us and all the harm we are doing to it all in the name of progress... Industrialisation is all I hear about today.. Vision 2030.. Development.. Infrastructure.. My question is, then what? will we be satisfied? I see natures need to take back what we keep trying to steal away from it in all that's happening.. Global warming, Hurricanes, Floods, Drought... Name it, is hard to imagine that the earth wants to be left alone and that we are a virus eating away at it, day by day, acre by acre till there will be nothing left....  Sometimes I wish I was born sometime in the past when human needs consisted of only three things: food, shelter and clothing and not: education, job and retirement. I could wish all I want but realistically, unless I built a time machine and flung myself into my desired time I should just shut up and face the fact that human beings don't want to change and trying to help them see that is a waste of time.......


I just want the earth and all it's wonderful creatures left unharmed instead of being collateral damage in the path to industrialisation and  a 'better' future.. I wonder what future that will be with the earth in turmoil..


That sums up my feelings exactly, when the best you can do isn't good enough... Wangari Maathai's words still linger in my head... The little hummingbird doing the best it could to save the forest, but I want to be river bursting it's banks to flood the forest and stopping it's destruction at once.... Dreams, is that all I have? ... I won't give up on trying to save it, the earth needs a voice, especially after watching 'My name is Khan', who am I to sit back and see the world disappear in a buff of smoke..

*sees what can be done*

might take a year off school to do it..... I'm just saying... 

|Olly Murs - I'm Ok


  1. Woah! That a tonneload of deep thought right there!
    Now on the need to love and be loved - I think its part of being human and even being an animal. There is an innate need for companionship and being a part of something/some group. We all need a sense of belonging and thats what we express as love. Heck even animals move in packs of some sort.....
    On the changing the world bit. I think we start with changing my immediate environment and if I get that done and you get that done we will have changed the world.....
    And again, woah! that was alot of deep thought for one post.

  2. well wyndown, I get what you mean when it comes to changing your immediate surroundings first before tackling the big dogs but it all seems soooo far fetched even for an idealist like me... bottom line, I'm just frustrated especially when people don't feel the need to change anything they're doing be it littering or just causing all this damage intentionally all in the name of progress and making money... *damned idiots*....
    Love... I'm giving the universe that challenge for now... I've established the need exist so now all I have to do is late nature take it's course.... Tired of making my own script, time to give fate a chance... *puts legs up*
    p.s there's more... dunno what happened this week but I'm going to lay all my thoughts down before they evaporate,.... :D
    what about your views on faith?? this I'd love to hear.. *waits*

  3. I don't really agree with the idea that people who are not in an emotional or sexual relationship with another person are lonely, I think it is a bad heterosexual co-option that people should aggressively question but in any case, I haven't ever had a partner like that. I, though, have had the opportunity of having lots of friends and family and mentors and random people who I meet online and have coffee with who I find extremely fascinating.

    We could extend the first paragraph to another question you pose in your post. How does one translate one's beliefs to practical action? That is to say: how do I try to change the world? I think the answer to this may involve looking at the political and social movements currently trying to solve the world's problems or contributing to these world's problems. If none of the movements available provide you with what you want, one can always invent new ones with thinking and research. We need thinkers in Kenya, yes and we need people to stop thinking about political action as one person voting, alone, in a booth, for one person.

    I have done my part and commented here, KD.

  4. I get what you mean, keene... If you noticed I didn't once say I felt lonely but emphasised on having this ridiculous need to share my love with someone else... other than that I find my life quite full in respect to immediate environment of friends and family thus choosing to take some time off the the 'love' debate just to see whether I'll stop dwelling on it.. :D
    I agree, unity is in strength and for action to take place movements have to be formed, and in this case joined... I guess I stopped looking at the big picture and narrowed my view from what 'we' can do to what 'I' can do... Think it's time I opened my eyes, joined efforts with people who are like minded and make the difference that I so desperately want to make..
    Thanks for the comment.. :D

  5. Faith, faith, faith! You should check out my blog I did a post a couple of months back about it and my conflict. Never the less here's my thots: I'm born Christian and I actually do feel a real connection with God. I know He exists and watches over me and I should live my life in a way that is pleasing to him.
    I also know that I belong to a church that has done some very questionable things! Those things really rock the foundation of my faith. But hey, I'm no angel either! What gets me worked up about the church is that it's like it - The Church is only for perfect people and if I have an issue I need to sort myself (repent and absolutely stop it) before I can be fully a church member.
    However my faith tells me that God is accepting of me as I am. I'm a work in progress or like steve harvey would put it, 'he ain't done with me yet'.
    So I go to sleep at night by keeping my focus on my relationship with God and the one with the church/organized religion - that can come later.....

  6. I know what you mean, when you actually take a look at most religions basic logic tells you that they are all about the good of man and humanity in general so I'd have to say the problem with religion today is the people themselves and their misinterpretations of the word...... then from there you can argue about the facts in the word itself that seem wrong but those ones are hard to work around without loosing faith in the establishment even if you argue that His word is law..... but I still feel a spiritual energy around us connecting all things which still links with my conscience and the balance between bad and good..... My main issue then is where do you find the perfect balance especially when life has so many grey areas if organised religion isn't as perfect as it should and vices have corrupted the whole system?
    In short, should we take the good and leave the bad in religion as most people tend to say, which I don't agree with because who is to say what is good and bad or should we just take it as it is, flawed as we are, and hope for the best?