I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.



Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell


I slipped



Reached out and got the door slammed in my face


I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.



Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.


Then the anger, with life in general


Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.


Asked the universe to give me what I need.


Then I remembered,


Then,

So,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Stranger Comfort and Pressurized Spaces

No, I'm not talking about creature comforts where the the creatures are stranger.......
It's more a term I just coined up to explain my current situation....

I never did get it, why as human beings we're so much more honest and open with people we just met than people who we've lived with for many years.... I mean isn't logical that the person I have been friends with should know more about me than a person I just met days ago???I call it,

 'Stranger Comfort'

I think it's simple really, deep down you know that this person you've loved and shared with over the years might not always be there you because as people, we drift but strangers are strangers because they hold no tie to your life thus don't cause any harm to it in the end......

But what happens when this stranger becomes your friend?

Loving Thyself

So I had the most amazing weekend which culminated with a few drinks at my friend’s place where I met Dino. We hit it off right of the bat, the conversation was electric and it had been a while since I had one where I didn’t have to tread lightly so as to not intimidate the person I’m with so I lay it all out there, my love for the Beatles, my view on religion as a whole and a whole lot of other crap I don’t remember because honestly I was three bottles of beer past tipsy. Anyway, we had fun up until when I realised they were old enough to be my parent and that they chain smoked……….

Imagine You and Me

Funny how most of my inspiration comes from films and books I happen to come across say the film, “Imagine You and Me” that this post is rightly named after. I watched it about week ago, been planning to write about it from the second the credits started rolling down the screen. It was basically about a woman called Rachel, who happens to meet the love of her life at her wedding and knew from the moment her eyes met with a lovely florist named Luc as her father walked her down the aisle. But being the irrationally rational beings that we are, she opted to ignore it and go through with her wedding. I mean she was getting married to her best friend and their love was well groomed and offered the security she had always wanted so why would she throw all that away for a lingering glare and a spark?????????

I’ll come back to it when I’m done….

So she gets married and befriends Luc after she helped fish out her oversized wedding ring from the punch bowl at the reception, I mean the ease at which they talked and the sparks between the would have started the big bang all over again, right there in that tent. One thing led to another and they kissed, which sent Rachel into a state of confusion leading into the conclusion that she should stay with her husband because it’s the right thing to do.

Right thing to do?

Right thing to do?

Staying married to a man you don’t love is the right thing to do???????? This one is definitely on my ranting list.

Her husband, Hector, finds out, I think his best friend told him or something, my memory fails me at this point, and he goes on about how he can’t let her stay with him if she doesn’t love him back because that wouldn’t be right and he wants to be with someone who loves him and she needs to be with someone she loves too. He gets emotional at this point and leaves her after which she goes on to look for Luc, who was on her way to a start her life somewhere else but they find each other in a traffic jam and live happily ever after or what not anyway, they end up together and the film ends there. At this point, my eyes were filled with tears, I was having an emotional week so stop judging and sat down to reflect and it went something like this………..

Note: I’m an only child so I talk to myself in the third person, many imaginary friends were created in my childhood.

“This shit only happens in the movies but fine, they made a few points. I mean sure, I should listen to my gut because the shit I get myself into always has a way of blowing up in my face. Dreamer, how many times are you going to tell yourself that you’ll see how things go or how things are different this time or how you should be more open or the worst of them all, how this could be your chance at happiness when clearly shit ain’t right??????? ………………………………………………………….. 

Many… 

Yes, many times so STOP SETTLING…. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s muy wrong……… 

Fine… 

Good……..

I’m not done though. You should slow down on this whole finding love thing, I mean you’re not even twenty yet so why are you getting all mid-life crisisy when you haven’t even figured what you want yet. Look at guys your age, they’re just having fun and enjoying their youth when you’re there fast-forwarding into the future. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! How many times have you agreed to date someone when you knew for sure it wasn’t going to work out and have to go through the trials of trying to figure out how to break up with them??????? …………………………….. 

Many……. 

Exactly, just say no when you’re sure because you and I both know there’s no way you’re going to sprout love out of nowhere if it wasn’t there to begin with…. Fine…….. So no compromising when it comes to your hurt, I mean sure when you like them and things are going well you’ll have to do it to ease friction in other areas but not when it comes to your feelings…. Just be honest to them and yourself, okay??? …………………. Sure, it makes sense….”

After that I made a pact with myself and vowed to do right by me and keep my word…………. Didn’t last long, my next post pretty much sums up that colossal failure that is my inability to make rational decisions…………..

*looks up into the sky* "REALLY???"

Okay, February was an extremely dull month, fine, I went to really cool concerts and had maard fun out and stuff but generally when it came to my love life, it was well non-existent............. I'd love to say by choice, which in actual sense is true but I'll go right ahead and say the gods were conspiring against me because I like feeling like I let random things happen instead of the truth, which is I like being in control ... I mean, the universe kept giving me opportunities to score(I mean figuratively speaking, like a striker hitting the ball into the rectangular thing... O_o) like summer fling who was perfect for me but lives about 1000 kilometres away from here... *sighs*, person X who was really nice but who was too connected to my friends... *awkward*, person Y who I really liked but friend-zoned me, fine they're allowed to do that too (no double standards here :-P ) but I couldn't just be their friend, it was going to be agonizingly painful so I pulled the old "it's not you, it's me" card and we aren't even dating.. I know I'm a sick guy, but it was better than having them constantly reminding me of what we could be by being in their presence.. Three awesome people, stupendously unbearable situations.. REALLY??? 


I decided to just kick back and rest after all that, in any case my semester was ending and I had two weeks to reboot and laze around....... which I did....


*fast forwards to present*


I'm back in school, sorta, our lecturers are being thick headed, comes with being in public school. Two weeks into the semester and only three out of eight have shown up... sigh! We usually understand if they skive the first week but two weeks in a row, REALLY????

Figured It wasn't in my control so I'd just complain to the chairman of the faculty and see how things go. Next week better include a whole lot more learning because I cannot head into town and waste a whole day doing absolutely nothing.... That's about it when it comes to school.. I was looking forward to just focusing on books this semester then out comes the sugar coated candy from hell...... temptation reincarnated....

..... Pino Colada
..... Mon Capitano
..... Maxi Me

And I thought February was a death trap, I just walked into hell....... Same script, different cast.... Pino Colada's perfect... There's a spark, a wild one, not static, lightening and it's AMAHZING!!! buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I don't think they like me as much as I thought or our busy schedules just make things worse,,, Sigh! Mon Capitano, formerly friend-zoned..... should have kept them there... Yikees! Maxi Me, one word, "average" but in a freakishly satisfying way but there's a catch, they are in a relationship...

*SIRENS*

I know, I shouldn't even be going there............. All I'm left thinking is REALLY???

I either have no idea what I'm doing with my love life (Erk! I really should find another word for what this is) or I'm getting what I really need but don't know it yet...

Sigh! I just need a clue.... 

*looks back*

I think I got one....

*evaluates*

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

p.s you are the bad guy... but someone has to be...

I finally got to watch 'Easy A' this week and I have to admit it was a really good watch, other than the fact that I related with the main character(Emma Stone really did that part justice), it really did highlight on a lot of crucial issues that most teens go through(yes, I'm allowed to call myself a teen.. :D) ..... Anyway, I've never really felt like I was normal and fit, which I see right now as a good thing, who really want to be a mindless drone whose only mission is to bow under the pressure of commercialism and capitalism... but I didn't always feel that way, as in come on, it's far much easier to grow up feeling like part of something that trying to be be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, and boy was I different. The only thing that's changed is that individualism is cool and hip now so I actually fit in.... 

Glad that's over.. :)

Not entirely, so I have friends now who like me for me but relationship wise, the further you stray from the norm the less likely you are to find someone who'd take you as you are, and trust me, I am whey off the projected path... Anyway, I left you all at a crucial juncture in my relationship and as the days passed and got nearer to D- Day I actually realised that I was being an ignorant fuck, as in really Dreamer, if any of your friends pulled a stunt like this you'd have given then the lengthiest speech about self worth and keeping one's dignity(which some of my friends gave but I ignored because well, I like seeing how things work out) till they gave in. Took me a while figure out that it wasn't really going to end well because:

as things begin to settle down.. *breaths*

It's been three days since I gave them "time" to figure out whether or not they really wanted to be in the relationship.............. As expected, no communication whatsoever unless provoked and I frankly feel like if they really wanted to be in it they'd at least a show a little morsel of emotional attachment... 
As in come on??? 
Thought about breaking up with them once or twice over the weekend, wouldn't that be the easy way out? They wouldn't have to make up a silly excuse for breaking up with me then we'd both move on, somehow... Still don't get the whole situation though.. I know, why must I always make sense of it all... Three word, peace of mind... I'm one of those people who will literally make a mountain of a mole hill unless I get the facts straight... Hihihihi! Inside joke, anyway....... Uhm! where was I? facts straight, right.. In this case, I feel like we reversed roles and so I'd equate my past feelings and thoughts to his at the moment making the diagnosis for this relationship terminal, It's just my thoughts, not my actual feeling towards the situation which would be holding on to it all for dear life because honestly why start something with the hope of seeing it grow and back out at the slight sight of impending doom. In my own opinion doom is impending in all situations, c'est la vie. Mmh! Makes sense, don't it? So why the cold feet? Wait! I can't question the reason frankly because I'm not them but I can't get over the fact that they kept bringing up the possibility of all these bad stuff that would definitely not leave our relationship unscaved in their wake sort of like it had already happened and I was just too blind to see it or that they were just too chicken to tell me because they felt they'd hurt my feelings, well I'm sorry to say honesty doesn't hurt my feelings, it's logical, lies on the other hand will definitely leave a mark. It's all speculations, I'll just give them the time I offered hoping that my patience will last that long.
What did I get myself into?

you have got to be kidding me....

I must be part of the worst cosmic joke of the century because.....c'mon how can I have the best birthday month of all time followed by a shit load of random stupid events that literally want to drain me of my humanity....
October saw me doing a lot of things but I generally don't like talking about myself especially when it's all positive cz somewhere inside it feels like bragging101 and I'm just not that guy, hence the silence... Anyway, everything seems to be crashing down on my head and I feel like buying a gun and going after father time for this practical joke he calls life cz what the fuck!!.
So, when I left you all my relationship was all hunky dory, fact is, it's not... Thanks to karma I'm in the same situation I was in 9 months ago, only this time the shoes on the other foot... Yup, you got it, I'm the stable mature one and he practically has the coordinates for this relationship set to destruction... Part of the reason I even wanted to be in this damn relationship is because I had found the first imperfectly perfect person I'd ever liked. Let me expound on that,

my bubble burst.. hope yours does too

I'm under this assumption that people in Nairobi live in a modern bubble, deluding themselves with commercialism and the idea of being ultramodern. I feel so estranged when I meet my extended family to the point that I want to slap my mother and grandparents for depriving me with the right to know my own tribes language in the sake of being modern. The idea just annoys me. Since when was it logical to give up culture and tradition *when i say tradition i mainly mean language and family history* for western ways. I mean come on!!!! They're the west, there's the east and we are smack dab in the middle, the cultured ones. The ones who came from nothing to something in under 200 years. well, i think we came from something to nothing. Sometimes I wonder if we even are on the right track........
I mean the industrial revolution may have very well costed us our planet....... I've been reading on Buddhism and it makes a lot of sense... I think some way along there line we lost touch with what it means to be human.... Ask anyone now what it really means to live a good life and compare it with what our ancestors strived for.... See what i mean?? For a person living in the modern bubble mundane things like internet, alcohol, fashion and commercialism are actually moving up to the needs list.... As in come on???? Starving yourself to buy an item of clothing the size of my left butt cheek??? Really???? because it'll increase your quality of life??? BULLOCKS!!!!! I wouldn't be as pissed if we were more eastern.... I actually understand why China has all these restrictions on western culture and influence... The allure of freedom..... Yes, I said allure...
What is freedom anyway?? The ability to all you want when you want? Like a rape a poor defenceless woman and not have to worry about paying for your crimes?? No.... Then what is it? The entitlement of certain rights that are awarded through moral and ethical scrutiny???? Sounds good, don't it?? Well, I agree it does on paper but in reality morality and ethics have been torn to shreds by corruption, the modern social disease... I mean how do people who can't even move a car let alone drive it end up with driving licences in this country leading to the numerous accidents we've seen on tv..... So, i failed my first driving lesson... BOOHOO!!! I can always retake it, no biggie but the fact that I got canned while complete morons who don't know the difference between the ass and theri noses got theirs... Where's the limit I say??? That was the limit.... My bubble burst and I hit the ground hard. All these years I thought that hard work and honesty, things that make you a 'good person' morally and ethically, would get me ahead....... HA!!! Guess that's what happens when you have an old soul, thinking that old rules apply to new times... Things have changed alright.... What happened to us? When did it stop being about us, the human race and become about me, the selfish bastard that can leave garbage strewn across the planet at it's demise, for the world is my toilet eternally glued to my arse..... UTTER RUBBISH!!!
Human beings are a virus.......Rid the world of humans and nature will florish, fill it with humans and all you get is endless shit piles of junk we don't need but want and that will inevitably will us out of existence..... *breathes* See why I almost turned Buddhist... I mean with academic inflation and recessions what else will we be left with unemployed learned oafs who sit on their bums all day wishing they were dead.. I'd rather be finding narvana and exploring my spirituality, blocking all this pollution from my system in the process.......................
I mean really with all these things racing through my head how am I supposed to fit in?? Never did and never really will.... "Don't think about all that stuff, Dreamer, think about your life.. education.. marriage....all those bills you are going to pay...how you could end up losing your job because you don't agree morally with they're values... FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!!" .... *leaves home and joins a monastery... or at least plans to*

I'm lost again...but closer to the finish line

If any of you has watched ben10: alien force you know about the 'high breed' .. don't call the psyche hospital just yet..
i like how they played around with the pun, you know, 'hybrid' and 'high breed' especially when they're a race that is totally against the existence of other species and who's worst nightmare would be to interbreeding. so, in the end of the first season(i think), ben10 and one of the high-breed -who's arm got severed, replaced with a plant arm, tried to kill himself because he wasn't pure and finally realised that other species matter too- stopped a giant tree creature, that was created by the high-breed, from blowing up the earth and consequently reversing the genetic damage that was caused by the high-breed's inbreeding, teaching them that they should embrace other species..
what was my point again? yeah!
so, imagine I'm the high-breed, everyone else is some other sort of specie and there's no ben10.. you guessed it, you all die and my race withers away because of all the inbreeding.. I need a ben10 to help me through this all.. someone to make me see clearly, like that moment you're sent to the eye doctor for glasses and you think you can see then pow! you realise you'd missed all that.. and all this feeling.. gosh! i was told i need to name it.. the emotion.. to get through it.. makes sense though..

anger.. not really..
guilt.. nope!
sorrow.. nah!
shame?? ah! ah!
confusion.. wait! is that emotion? no! but it does explain a lot..
Ah huh! frustration.. I'm frustrated
.............

that was easy, i think........

but what am i frustrated about?

a long list can be drafted....

need to get a journal...

that should help...

or a writing pad..

jot it all down..

get the emotions on paper..

then sort that isht out....

this stale funk of neediness and emotional turmoil is cramping my style..

but the key reason I'm frustrated is because i have no control over anything.....

here's one more,

i'm scared

i'm scared that one of these days everything will crumble and fall....

that the people i care for will vanish....

i don't like waiting for bad things to happen but that's exactly what i'm waiting for...

i can't live life this way...