I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.



Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell


I slipped



Reached out and got the door slammed in my face


I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.



Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.


Then the anger, with life in general


Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.


Asked the universe to give me what I need.


Then I remembered,


Then,

So,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Screeching Halt

That's what happened right now.... I stopped, I suddenly came to a screeching halt...

*I love it when I use my titles in my post*

Smoke everywhere
The smell of burning rubber in the air
I finally realised what my problem is........

For a while now I've been in such a rush to get to my destination, you know, that point in life where everything fits in.......

Your career
Your life's work
Your love life
Your beliefs

I've been driving myself crazy trying to get to that point where all these things will be sorted out and blooming in the midday sun, soaking up all the rays up in eternal bliss.......

If i had a shrink...

I've been rather depressed the past couple of days, okay, i shouldn't say a couple, that sounds like a week or two, it's been for the past three days. When i say depressed, i don't mean that "you'll get back up" sort of way but more of a "oh shit! the foundation's cracked" morbidly exaggerate sort of way. On sites, when the foundation cracks everything stops because without the foundation, the house can't be built. Well, there's usually one of two ways to go ahead, remove the damn thing, redesign it and start over or quit.
I feel depressed and i'm stuck at the fork on the road. Yes, the one that lets me choose between finding out why I'm all mopy or giving up because i can't be arsed to care about my future and try to live..
How do I know I'm depressed? Well, if the constantly teary eyes and the slight bipolar disposition haven't caught your eye then u're blind. It always boils down to whether I can hold a smile and look like I mean it for at least ten seconds. I've been through this a lot as you may have probably deduced. I just always feel.. I always feel... I always feel but i never know.. That's the reason I'm like this. Yes, you're beginning to find out that I need to know things. I never know things. I don't mean general things like the cheapest modest eatery around, I mean things about myself. I'm never sure when I make decisions or whether i'm making a decision or if there's a decision to be made at all. I'm exhausted because I don't know if i'm living life like i should. I don't have a guide book and any experiences shared don't even remotely resemble my problems if I even have problems.
Is this all life is about, floating helplessly in a sea of nothingness for our entire lives hoping for a flicker of hope that really isn't going to show up? *waits for a response*