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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

My August Rush

No relevance to the film, at all, loved it but No!


I was in school, in the middle of our summer vacation which my school filled with physical curricular activities, and the sight of my friends bringing their "better halves" over was emotionally draining....


I've always had this thing, chronic dissatisfaction, brought into light by watching Vicky Christina Barcelona over ten times, which basically ruins all my awesome relationships which in this case sums up to ONE! It was my first, I was young and I didn't want to be chained down so we went into stasis and never really thawed... Enough about my first, I was updating you on my lovey dovey movie marathons and endless wailing cz I hadn't found the one.... I was doing all that, every day I was there.... My roomate practically sat me down and told me to stop being such an ass wipe.... I took it positevely, he's a nice guy....... I was lonely and was in one of those moods, I hate myself when I get that way... You know when you're single and you love being your own guy and then it hits you, you want someone there with you, to do stuff with and share your life with then BAM!! you're in a depressed state like no other..... I was like that for days, then I almost didn't go to my best friend's concert but did, cz I was like, FUCK IT!!! I LOVE THIS GUY, DEPRESSED OR NOT..... I ....... AM ...... GOING......... so I went and I felt a rush........

Monday, August 27, 2012

2/04/08 - Confusion

"Confusion is part of human nature.
Through out our lives as humans there is bound to be that moment
where all our thoughts wander and you
have no idea what to do or say next
at crossroads
There I wait
wait for an answer"

6/04/08 - Second Entry with the words "fall out" on the top right corner

"As I seat here and gaze into the great unknown
I cannot help but feel all my pain and anguish
rush into every morsel of my being
A pain that awakes  every memory of anguish in my soul
and drives me up the wall 
to the point of eruption"

"As I search for the one true answer, I can't help but think of the light at the end of the tunnel being a dimming flame of a candle in a dead man's cabin. 
I search for this answer that lies within my soul, heart and mind only to find more pain and anguish.
Can I be more than just me, more than just me. 
More than just a person, more than just a wandering heart among the thousands of others.
I wonder, can what I feel be real or just a mistake in my creation?
Can it be that my feelings are right and the rest of the world is wrong?
Can it be that I am among others?
Can it be that what I feel is wrong?
Can it be that all the steps I take to get closer only cause me more grief not only to myself but others around me?
Can it be all that glitters is not gold and I am one prime example?
So now I seat and think if all this is worth it or if what the world thinks is right and I should be punished for doing as I like."

26/02/08 - My First Entry

How frightening to know that the world is black and white and I am the only unique colour around. 
A blood shot grey, I believe I am but this I do not choose.
To the eyes of the world I am indeed an outcast that was cast out by birth.
Through out my life, no colour I see apart from my blood stained grey.
My life I live so steadily to find my heart is torn between what I know and feel and what I should know and feel.
Can anyone relate to me , this I don't know but the fact remains that I shall for now be a bloodshot grey, unseen by the black and white world around.
A pigment only evil can represent but whose choice was not mine.
Can't anyone see beyond my blemish and see a person within that should live to amaze and live to live a life of happiness?
Many are the days that my words kept me company and were my only comfort for the world sees as this but not as a being, a being with much to offer than misery and shame.
But all I wish is for the world to see me as me, as a whole and not a part that I alone, hate.

Reflections: A Chapter of my Life


One of those months I really haven't felt the need to write, I think mostly because I've been doing more living that reflecting..... 

It's been met with open arms, the smell of change, the innocence in the morning air, all of it, I've embraced.... It's changed my surrounding, rearranged my room, sorted my old clutter- I'm a bit of a hoarder- and found a few things I'd thought were long gone... 

The next few posts will be a glimpse of the past, through the looking glass into the thoughts of my younger, more confused self enveloped in my dust covered  journal...