where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking
LSD...

*deafening silence* 

As in how could I not want to indulge in what gave the Beatles the inspiration for most of their songs including Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds (appropriately named....), yellow submarine among others.. :D The music itself is enough to put you into a trance, why wouldn't I be curious??.. Sigh! Whenever there was moment to feel like I was born in the wrong decade, now would be the time....

*slaps thigh*
I hate that feeling you get when you feel bugs crawling on your skin

Fine, I'm not without common sense and I know the effects are personality altering and long term... like be another person forever, long term.... that only happens if you end up going on a bad 'trip' and get traumatised enough by the experience... Who wouldn't want to experience synaesthesia... I can almost imagine how blue would smell like... but it's still scary, having all that access...

*gulps*

And it's not like I'll be able to choose who I want to be especially when I'm in that point in my life where I actually love myself as I am, you know what I mean.. :P Gosh! I could change into one of those people with sticks up their bums..

*scratches thigh and left shoulder*
What in Piriton's name is going on??? I'm not allergic to anything, why am I so darn itchy??????? 

Anyway, enough of my insanity, where was I? Yes, I was trying to convince myself into taking drugs and miraculously staying the same because I think society condemns it all not because of it's effects (when I say drugs, I mean recreational low dependency drugs.......... anything less potent than alcohol, preferably a hallucinogen) because people wouldn't be productive and want to be stuck in the rat race for all their lives..... I could try and argue that and end up turning into a turnip or come out of it a better person, generally more aware of myself and life in general.... Maybe that's all I'm looking for, an anchor, especially after the stunt I pulled totally withdrawing myself from religion, no, I'm not atheist... I mean maybe I am but I distinctly feel like the universe in itself is one being, nothing destroyed, nothing created just recycled, like we are all part of one huge miracle.. As in come on, from whatever angle you look at life is one of those things that shouldn't happen, like one huge mistake.... sort of like the powerpuff girls but without the intent and all those obvious ingredients in a lab somewhere..

Sigh! I miss cartoons

*note to self... get recent episodes of bleach*


And not just life but entities that can actually ponder about their own existence and try to find the answers to it all...
Amazing, huh?

So what If I blame my need to want to go on a trip on my urge to find 'God' or myself?? Many religions out there still use Entheogens such as cannibas to find more insight on their faith and to be closer to God.. Who am I to be denied this freedom??
(I just set myself for disaster, didn't I?? >>> I can feel the tension and I know what you're thinking.... *in a stern yet emotive voice* >>>Since when did freedom of religion and 'freedom to engage in psychoactive drugs' mean the same thing???? why can't you just leave those things alone and live life clean....)

Gosh! I sound like a junkie................

That's it I guess, I can argue about it all day but it won't make the sun turn into a banana ice-cream sunday...... (OMG!!! it so could.. LOL)

*stuck at crossroad*
*realises it was mosquitoes that were exciting my skin this entire time*


Should have figured....


Other than my contemplation on drug use, my life has been....... well! That's the thing, I can't say normal... I feel like I upped the scale on weirdness... I mean before I could be myself but always felt a little reluctance to push the envelope leading to spasms or 'normalcy' but now,it's all me, every day.. :D And to be quite honest, I think for the first time in a long time I'm happy being myself not only when I'm out there in the world but even when it's just me and Tarzan, my sleep watcher... (I should take a photo) ....... All this change just bring up even more questions, like now that the switch is officially broken, what am I chances of finding someone who'll take me as I am..... Pretty high I say, met one today.. You know, one of those ones, the ones you liked for a period of time but ended up dating someone else and had to hide your feelings and the when you break up with that someone and when you find yourself once again (you have to find yourself after every single break up... ) decide to make your feelings known only to realise they like you back and are in a relationship with someone else......

C'est la vie, aye????


I mean I might actually like this one, not in a OhMyGOsh!! I want your babies and I even have a list of baby names sort of way but more of a lean into it, see what might happen, I find you attractive sort of way but then fate throws a rench in it all... I have to say Philippino tella novelas have nothing on my life (and the lives of the people around me...... What is happening????).... Kwanza vile I'm not a home wrecker I don't see myself getting involved... Ebu don't give me those funny funny looks with those eyes of sijui I'm lying....... Weee!

*composes self*

Pity is I this is as close to my ideal person as I've ever come counting all those near misses.... Sigh! Let me see, only time will tell... Knowing myself I'll be ranting about my emotional turmoil before Christmas...

*sets clock*

*whispers love junkie*
I heard that.....
*continues*


Speaking about love, I had really interesting conversations with two of my good friends separately, this weekend and late last week about love and how we keep screwing up our relationships... They're girls, all our convos always end up there one way or another, irrespective of the conversation we started on... Funny how chapos and food cravings could lead into "do you think I'm complicated??" I don't want to give a play by play of it all because frankly by now all you're wondering is whether this post is ever going to end because all  you need to know is if I'm still clean so you can bring him back into the light.................... other than the eco-friendly earth messages on my nails, I'm squeaky clean.. :D ......... Basically it all ended with the realisation that at any one point in our lives we could be compatible with an array of people and that sometimes we meet the right person at the right time in our lives but without a spark it's all for nothing.. Same could be argued about those people that have a spark but the timing's always off or your paths are set in opposite directions... forbidden love.... I'm preaching to the choir...... Love is basically all about luck and chance...... It either happens or it doesn't, there's not much we can do about it...


Que sera, sera.. :D


But I can't get Katy Perry's "the one that got away" video out of my head.... Sigh!
One more thing to fuel the fire......... but the chance at happiness for no matter how long is acceptable, the memories are worth it... Still question if it's all a result of commercialism or an honest expression of need and want....


That's about it..... I'm done...
You can let me have it now..

*looks out for comments*


|Olly Murs - Just Smile