I'm Like, Yeah! Whatevz!

Pretty much sums up my state of mind.... :D

And I hate say Ke$ha's new album is off the chain.......

*dances*

I don't wanna go to sleep

I wanna stay up all night

I wanna just screw around

I don't wanna think about

What's gonna be after this

I wanna just live right now

Stuck in the Groove

This song has been on my mind for the longest time.....

Enjoy!!

Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Conditioning or Reality?

And I don't mean the thing you mix into your after you rinse out your shampoo..... I mean what we're made to think we should do.....

Am I conditioned to love?

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

October Babies

This post goes out to all those amazing October babies out there and you guessed it, I'm one too.

I never really get what the big deal is with new years and all those resolutions people set when they really should be setting them on their birthdays. It makes sense that way because it's literally the start of a new year in your existence. This year I've pretty much been all over the place thinking about growing up and what exactly I should do about it.

Should I act older?
Should I act my age?
Should I act younger cz I can get away with it?????

Anyway, I figured all I can do is just live by the day and do what is required of me in different situations. Basically maturity is knowing how to act, matching your situation with the relevant trait.

My resolutions.....

*drum rolls please*

1.Go to all the events I want to
2.Study during the day even if my schedule is tighter than most headlocks in most wrestling shows
3.Find my purpose
4.Be a nag - If I really want something I should fight for it
5.Get better at driving
6.Get a camera
7.Leave the country at least once
8.Don't date

......................................

The list goes on and on and on but generally, I need to be a better person this year...

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Calm Waters

I took my advice seriously
I slowed down and prioritized
It was different
The slowing down bit at least
Then it got to matters of the heart and I realised I wasn't being nice
Fine, I was being ass to Person of Interest
I was pushing them aside as I figured my shit out
It made sense then
But if they're supposed to be in my life in that capacity
Shouldn't I involve them in what's going on?
I really like them
Like A LOT!!!
And when I like someone that much I have to be able to tell you anything
I mean anything
Because
If I can't ,
WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU?????

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Stranger Comfort and Pressurized Spaces

No, I'm not talking about creature comforts where the the creatures are stranger.......
It's more a term I just coined up to explain my current situation....

I never did get it, why as human beings we're so much more honest and open with people we just met than people who we've lived with for many years.... I mean isn't logical that the person I have been friends with should know more about me than a person I just met days ago???I call it,

 'Stranger Comfort'

I think it's simple really, deep down you know that this person you've loved and shared with over the years might not always be there you because as people, we drift but strangers are strangers because they hold no tie to your life thus don't cause any harm to it in the end......

But what happens when this stranger becomes your friend?

Screeching Halt

That's what happened right now.... I stopped, I suddenly came to a screeching halt...

*I love it when I use my titles in my post*

Smoke everywhere
The smell of burning rubber in the air
I finally realised what my problem is........

For a while now I've been in such a rush to get to my destination, you know, that point in life where everything fits in.......

Your career
Your life's work
Your love life
Your beliefs

I've been driving myself crazy trying to get to that point where all these things will be sorted out and blooming in the midday sun, soaking up all the rays up in eternal bliss.......

My August Rush

No relevance to the film, at all, loved it but No!

Anyway...........

I was in school, in the middle of our summer vacation which my school filled with physical curricular activities, and the sight of my friends bringing their "better halves" over was emotionally draining....

SIGH!

I've always had this thing, chronic dissatisfaction, brought into light by watching Vicky Christina Barcelona over ten times, which basically ruins all my awesome relationships which in this case sums up to ONE! It was my first, I was young and I didn't want to be chained down so we went into stasis and never really thawed... Enough about my first, I was updating you on my lovey dovey movie marathons and endless wailing cz I hadn't found the one.... I was doing all that, every day I was there.... My roomate practically sat me down and told me to stop being such an ass wipe.... I took it positevely, he's a nice guy....... I was lonely and was in one of those moods, I hate myself when I get that way... You know when you're single and you love being your own guy and then it hits you, you want someone there with you, to do stuff with and share your life with then BAM!! you're in a depressed state like no other..... I was like that for days, then I almost didn't go to my best friend's concert but did, cz I was like, FUCK IT!!! I LOVE THIS GUY, DEPRESSED OR NOT..... I ....... AM ...... GOING......... so I went and I felt a rush........

2/04/08 - Confusion

"Confusion is part of human nature.

Through out our lives as humans there is bound to be that moment

where all our thoughts wander and you

have no idea what to do or say next

at crossroads

There I wait

wait for an answer"

6/04/08 - Second Entry with the words "fall out" on the top right corner

"As I seat here and gaze into the great unknown

I cannot help but feel all my pain and anguish

rush into every morsel of my being

A pain that awakes  every memory of anguish in my soul

and drives me up the wall 

to the point of eruption"

"As I search for the one true answer, I can't help but think of the light at the end of the tunnel being a dimming flame of a candle in a dead man's cabin. 

I search for this answer that lies within my soul, heart and mind only to find more pain and anguish.

Can I be more than just me, more than just me. 

More than just a person, more than just a wandering heart among the thousands of others.

I wonder, can what I feel be real or just a mistake in my creation?

Can it be that my feelings are right and the rest of the world is wrong?

Can it be that I am among others?

Can it be that what I feel is wrong?

Can it be that all the steps I take to get closer only cause me more grief not only to myself but others around me?

Can it be all that glitters is not gold and I am one prime example?

So now I seat and think if all this is worth it or if what the world thinks is right and I should be punished for doing as I like."

26/02/08 - My First Entry

How frightening to know that the world is black and white and I am the only unique colour around. 

A blood shot grey, I believe I am but this I do not choose.

To the eyes of the world I am indeed an outcast that was cast out by birth.

Through out my life, no colour I see apart from my blood stained grey.

My life I live so steadily to find my heart is torn between what I know and feel and what I should know and feel.

Can anyone relate to me , this I don't know but the fact remains that I shall for now be a bloodshot grey, unseen by the black and white world around.

A pigment only evil can represent but whose choice was not mine.

Can't anyone see beyond my blemish and see a person within that should live to amaze and live to live a life of happiness?

Many are the days that my words kept me company and were my only comfort for the world sees as this but not as a being, a being with much to offer than misery and shame.

But all I wish is for the world to see me as me, as a whole and not a part that I alone, hate.

Reflections: A Chapter of my Life

August....

One of those months I really haven't felt the need to write, I think mostly because I've been doing more living that reflecting..... 

It's been met with open arms, the smell of change, the innocence in the morning air, all of it, I've embraced.... It's changed my surrounding, rearranged my room, sorted my old clutter- I'm a bit of a hoarder- and found a few things I'd thought were long gone... 

The next few posts will be a glimpse of the past, through the looking glass into the thoughts of my younger, more confused self enveloped in my dust covered  journal...

Enjoy.

Loving Thyself

So I had the most amazing weekend which culminated with a few drinks at my friend’s place where I met Dino. We hit it off right of the bat, the conversation was electric and it had been a while since I had one where I didn’t have to tread lightly so as to not intimidate the person I’m with so I lay it all out there, my love for the Beatles, my view on religion as a whole and a whole lot of other crap I don’t remember because honestly I was three bottles of beer past tipsy. Anyway, we had fun up until when I realised they were old enough to be my parent and that they chain smoked……….

Imagine You and Me

Funny how most of my inspiration comes from films and books I happen to come across say the film, “Imagine You and Me” that this post is rightly named after. I watched it about week ago, been planning to write about it from the second the credits started rolling down the screen. It was basically about a woman called Rachel, who happens to meet the love of her life at her wedding and knew from the moment her eyes met with a lovely florist named Luc as her father walked her down the aisle. But being the irrationally rational beings that we are, she opted to ignore it and go through with her wedding. I mean she was getting married to her best friend and their love was well groomed and offered the security she had always wanted so why would she throw all that away for a lingering glare and a spark?????????

I’ll come back to it when I’m done….

So she gets married and befriends Luc after she helped fish out her oversized wedding ring from the punch bowl at the reception, I mean the ease at which they talked and the sparks between the would have started the big bang all over again, right there in that tent. One thing led to another and they kissed, which sent Rachel into a state of confusion leading into the conclusion that she should stay with her husband because it’s the right thing to do.

Right thing to do?

Right thing to do?

Staying married to a man you don’t love is the right thing to do???????? This one is definitely on my ranting list.

Her husband, Hector, finds out, I think his best friend told him or something, my memory fails me at this point, and he goes on about how he can’t let her stay with him if she doesn’t love him back because that wouldn’t be right and he wants to be with someone who loves him and she needs to be with someone she loves too. He gets emotional at this point and leaves her after which she goes on to look for Luc, who was on her way to a start her life somewhere else but they find each other in a traffic jam and live happily ever after or what not anyway, they end up together and the film ends there. At this point, my eyes were filled with tears, I was having an emotional week so stop judging and sat down to reflect and it went something like this………..

Note: I’m an only child so I talk to myself in the third person, many imaginary friends were created in my childhood.

“This shit only happens in the movies but fine, they made a few points. I mean sure, I should listen to my gut because the shit I get myself into always has a way of blowing up in my face. Dreamer, how many times are you going to tell yourself that you’ll see how things go or how things are different this time or how you should be more open or the worst of them all, how this could be your chance at happiness when clearly shit ain’t right??????? ………………………………………………………….. 

Many… 

Yes, many times so STOP SETTLING…. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s muy wrong……… 

Fine… 

Good……..

I’m not done though. You should slow down on this whole finding love thing, I mean you’re not even twenty yet so why are you getting all mid-life crisisy when you haven’t even figured what you want yet. Look at guys your age, they’re just having fun and enjoying their youth when you’re there fast-forwarding into the future. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! How many times have you agreed to date someone when you knew for sure it wasn’t going to work out and have to go through the trials of trying to figure out how to break up with them??????? …………………………….. 

Many……. 

Exactly, just say no when you’re sure because you and I both know there’s no way you’re going to sprout love out of nowhere if it wasn’t there to begin with…. Fine…….. So no compromising when it comes to your hurt, I mean sure when you like them and things are going well you’ll have to do it to ease friction in other areas but not when it comes to your feelings…. Just be honest to them and yourself, okay??? …………………. Sure, it makes sense….”

After that I made a pact with myself and vowed to do right by me and keep my word…………. Didn’t last long, my next post pretty much sums up that colossal failure that is my inability to make rational decisions…………..

Bromance - The Other White Meat

**DISCLAIMER : MAY CONTAIN LOL-CAT LANGUAGE AND OTHER SUB-STANDARD DERIVATIVES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE**

I know, I know, I haven't posted in literally a century-I'm a 3000 year old time lord, DEAL WITH IT- but it's because I haven't had much happening by virtue of the life sucking force that is my school................. okay, that's a lie, I've done pretty awesome stuff these past two months; went to Ronyenjes for a road trip, went fishing, watched a few films here and there, gone out and done stuff people my age are into nowadays but nothing really news worthy but this one I just had to get off my chest........

*clears throat*

*looks up into the sky* "REALLY???"

Okay, February was an extremely dull month, fine, I went to really cool concerts and had maard fun out and stuff but generally when it came to my love life, it was well non-existent............. I'd love to say by choice, which in actual sense is true but I'll go right ahead and say the gods were conspiring against me because I like feeling like I let random things happen instead of the truth, which is I like being in control ... I mean, the universe kept giving me opportunities to score(I mean figuratively speaking, like a striker hitting the ball into the rectangular thing... O_o) like summer fling who was perfect for me but lives about 1000 kilometres away from here... *sighs*, person X who was really nice but who was too connected to my friends... *awkward*, person Y who I really liked but friend-zoned me, fine they're allowed to do that too (no double standards here :-P ) but I couldn't just be their friend, it was going to be agonizingly painful so I pulled the old "it's not you, it's me" card and we aren't even dating.. I know I'm a sick guy, but it was better than having them constantly reminding me of what we could be by being in their presence.. Three awesome people, stupendously unbearable situations.. REALLY??? 


I decided to just kick back and rest after all that, in any case my semester was ending and I had two weeks to reboot and laze around....... which I did....


*fast forwards to present*


I'm back in school, sorta, our lecturers are being thick headed, comes with being in public school. Two weeks into the semester and only three out of eight have shown up... sigh! We usually understand if they skive the first week but two weeks in a row, REALLY????

Figured It wasn't in my control so I'd just complain to the chairman of the faculty and see how things go. Next week better include a whole lot more learning because I cannot head into town and waste a whole day doing absolutely nothing.... That's about it when it comes to school.. I was looking forward to just focusing on books this semester then out comes the sugar coated candy from hell...... temptation reincarnated....

..... Pino Colada
..... Mon Capitano
..... Maxi Me

And I thought February was a death trap, I just walked into hell....... Same script, different cast.... Pino Colada's perfect... There's a spark, a wild one, not static, lightening and it's AMAHZING!!! buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I don't think they like me as much as I thought or our busy schedules just make things worse,,, Sigh! Mon Capitano, formerly friend-zoned..... should have kept them there... Yikees! Maxi Me, one word, "average" but in a freakishly satisfying way but there's a catch, they are in a relationship...

*SIRENS*

I know, I shouldn't even be going there............. All I'm left thinking is REALLY???

I either have no idea what I'm doing with my love life (Erk! I really should find another word for what this is) or I'm getting what I really need but don't know it yet...

Sigh! I just need a clue.... 

*looks back*

I think I got one....

*evaluates*

beware the dreaded friend-zone

I literally shake at the mention of the word "friend-zone".... It's like an instinct, you know like our natural fight or flight response.. For those of you who don't know what "the dreaded friend-zone" is, let me break it down for you..

*clears throat* 

everything in moderation

Seated on my bed ready to type up a post and I should be studying, I need to set my priorities straight.. Wait! I sorta am, inspiration over crude methods of cramming information I say, but only for a while.. :)

"Everything in moderation"

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

just living life

*finds comfortable area on bed and starts typing*

"where to start?"....

first question on my mind really when I'm about to blog, second one would be,

"where is this going?"...

to be quite honest, I really don't know but 2012 looks like a promising year, more books to read, more films to watch and plenty more to learn from life so I trust things are bound to get interesting... started off with "how to kill a mockingbird" this year, felt like the classics.. anyway, let's just say I'm just living life the best I can and enjoying the holiday while it lasts..

*shuts down laptop and sleeps*

summer love

Summer, I mean the African one.... Okay! Not really the African one, more like the Kenyan one.. Let's see, we basically have two seasons; the wet(cold) and the dry(hot)... Somewhere between them is the short and the long rainy seasons.... The long rainy (wet.. dah! ) season is around July which is the cold season and the short rains are around October making the dry season in between so like from November to March and August to September so technically December is summer (sort of our "woohoo" break it being around Christmas with schools closed and all) and our spring is in August to September.......

Enough of that, straight to the story.....

Anyway, so summer (think hot Nairobi December weather, no clouds in sight and the need to go the coast searing through your veins) was really good, always is really but this time I actually fell for someone.....
Summer flings? Haa! who'd have thank.. (it's sounds way cooler that way.. don't judge.. :P)
Went on vacation to Tanzania *cue the coastal taarab music*, Dar Es Salaam to be more precise and bumped into this gorgeous human being.... (I stretched the truth there a little, I didn't bump, I sorta planned to meet them.... I know, I know, I can't take it as coincidence so "bump" is misleading but I could argue that the fact that the arranged meeting took place without prior confirmation ipso facto means it can be judged as coincidence...... Ignore that, just know they're AWESOME!!!, that's the relevant bit... :D ) and we spent every bit of time we could together and it was AHMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! Watched a film, Mission Impossible 4, I liked that one, would be hard not to with a screen that huge.... Got a tour of the town, bless their soul, and all the nitty gritty gossip about the city, which isn't much considering there's nothing much to do there.. Okay, let me elaborate, there's not much to do there in terms of events and youth stuff.... It didn't make any sense but I was given the impression that places like Alliance Francaise and Goethe Institut in Dar weren't really marketing their stuff to the "watu wa kawaida (average person)" and therefore things like the free Monday films, art displays, plays and other random artsy stuff we take for granted weren't really happening there, made me love Nairobi that much more.. :( Anyway, so all this awesomeness happened; the bus rides (not as congested as I'd imagined, thank God for holidays), road side food (it was delicious...... Loved the "zege"- chips fried in eggs.. Way to a man's heart I tells ya :D ), the leisurely walks and the lengthy conversations, and at the end of it all, I was hooked......... Pretty sad I had to leave but the internet's always there so we still keep in touch (not the same really but I'll make due)..... Thinking of doing the whole long distance thing but that never really worked before so I'll just see how it goes.. Glad we met though, wouldn't change it for the world....

Seems to be my theme this year, letting things take their own course, a less vulgar description of the "fack dat shit" mantra I got accustomed to...

Can't wait to see what the new year's got for me.. :D