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Saturday, January 14, 2012

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

Finally, I said it..

I'm just one of those people who don't think they deserve happiness and end up dating or being around dumb ass holes who will definitely make me end up feeling like crap or uses all the tricks in the book to push all those people away that seem to have the potential to create happiness now or in the near future... Funny thing is , this is one of those things I hide from myself.... See, I tend to hide a lot from myself, it's a coping mechanism, it's gotten so bad over the years that my brain has become one huge recycle bin... I wouldn't call it a recycle bin, force of habit, more like an empty black hole that runs on auto pilot, instructions coded in my thoughts that will inevitably get me to the desired location or situation, and all in all, I will end up in awe at the brilliance of my mind...

Human being's can be such shit heads... Sorry, profanity sneaked back into my vocabulary late last year..

*stops digressing*

so I've spent the last few hours thinking about how I had changed from the most closed off person in the world, complete with real life gigai - bleach talk for temporary body used for use on earth by the shinigami- and turned into this free thinking being who took everything in and who was open to everyone close to him...... :D

Was it all a lie?

A fa├žade..

Feels like the gigai took over and one day I woke up and couldn't tell where the person I was started and the person I wanted to be began...

Was I just trying to be more socially acceptable.. You know, with loneliness being so, well, lonely - :P - who wouldn't expect me to want a taste of it all... To feel normal, accepted, wanted...... Reminds me of the first episode of the second season of Doctor Who, where the Doctor and Rose found out that the hospital in "New x5 Earth" was cloning people to make cures for diseases and even in all that darkness and loneliness, stuck in pods, they all had the urge to be touched, to feel a human contact....

The emotionless psychopath, no wonder I like Dexter, faking emotions till they almost feel right, as if I know what emotions feel like.... I do actually, the only emotion that resonates through my body every single day is fear, fear of losing the most precious human connection I have ever felt, fear that when that is gone, I won't have anything left to keep me sane...

I just feel numb all of a sudden...
Like my gigai broke, rice grains are to feared,
and I'm bare with shit running down my leg, in full view of the planet,
naked, shit covered and cold...

*hides out in my head till it's safe to come out_____ or maybe till I can get a better gigai*

|After the Storm - Mumford and Sons

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