I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.



Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell


I slipped



Reached out and got the door slammed in my face


I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.



Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.


Then the anger, with life in general


Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.


Asked the universe to give me what I need.


Then I remembered,


Then,

So,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.



Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.


I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.

Sigh!




I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

The Broken Record that is my Life

I'm back to square one, I'm not shocked by this.
I always do the exact same time every single time.
I'm tired of talking about it.
But I have to.
I have to constantly remind myself so that I don't forget.
But I did.


*starts*

I'm always in such a hurry to enjoy life that I end up deluding myself into thinking I'm happy and content because the scenario I'm in is conducive to such emotions.
Either that or I have "chronic dissatisfaction".



I honestly think I do. My father pointed it out once, that's when I knew I was sunk. All I really want is to be with someone fun. I didn't know how hard that was until now. I met someone who fit the bill, sorta. It was the first honest relationship I'd had in a while. We both liked each other and it seemed like all my worries would be over.

You can tell there's a 'but' coming



But I didn't feel right. It felt like one of my past relationships, where I couldn't be myself. It was like I felt judgement whenever I walked out of the box they made. Like I was only allowed to be a certain percentage of myself around them, and anything more was frowned upon.
I'm a pretty wild character, I don't do well with confinement.
That was pretty relevant.
We broke up soon after.

I wasn't ready to be with someone who wasn't okay with letting me be myself. Part of being an emotionless psychopath, is that I never really know what I feel till it's too late. My one regret, is that I didn't try harder. I don't really feel it though. I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing I did. I just didn't want to be in a relationship but didn't want to lose a chance to find the person of my dreams.
They could have been.
Honestly.


But they weren't.

I deserve better.

This time I believe it.
It's not just talk.

I'm taking my time. No rush. I am not dating again for a long time.


Shoot me if you find a blog post about another failed relationship.

Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Conditioning or Reality?

And I don't mean the thing you mix into your after you rinse out your shampoo..... I mean what we're made to think we should do.....

Am I conditioned to love?

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Calm Waters

I took my advice seriously
I slowed down and prioritized
It was different
The slowing down bit at least
Then it got to matters of the heart and I realised I wasn't being nice
Fine, I was being ass to Person of Interest
I was pushing them aside as I figured my shit out
It made sense then
But if they're supposed to be in my life in that capacity
Shouldn't I involve them in what's going on?
I really like them
Like A LOT!!!
And when I like someone that much I have to be able to tell you anything
I mean anything
Because
If I can't ,
WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU?????

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Screeching Halt

That's what happened right now.... I stopped, I suddenly came to a screeching halt...

*I love it when I use my titles in my post*

Smoke everywhere
The smell of burning rubber in the air
I finally realised what my problem is........

For a while now I've been in such a rush to get to my destination, you know, that point in life where everything fits in.......

Your career
Your life's work
Your love life
Your beliefs

I've been driving myself crazy trying to get to that point where all these things will be sorted out and blooming in the midday sun, soaking up all the rays up in eternal bliss.......

everything in moderation

Seated on my bed ready to type up a post and I should be studying, I need to set my priorities straight.. Wait! I sorta am, inspiration over crude methods of cramming information I say, but only for a while.. :)

"Everything in moderation"

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

p.s you are the bad guy... but someone has to be...

I finally got to watch 'Easy A' this week and I have to admit it was a really good watch, other than the fact that I related with the main character(Emma Stone really did that part justice), it really did highlight on a lot of crucial issues that most teens go through(yes, I'm allowed to call myself a teen.. :D) ..... Anyway, I've never really felt like I was normal and fit, which I see right now as a good thing, who really want to be a mindless drone whose only mission is to bow under the pressure of commercialism and capitalism... but I didn't always feel that way, as in come on, it's far much easier to grow up feeling like part of something that trying to be be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, and boy was I different. The only thing that's changed is that individualism is cool and hip now so I actually fit in.... 

Glad that's over.. :)

Not entirely, so I have friends now who like me for me but relationship wise, the further you stray from the norm the less likely you are to find someone who'd take you as you are, and trust me, I am whey off the projected path... Anyway, I left you all at a crucial juncture in my relationship and as the days passed and got nearer to D- Day I actually realised that I was being an ignorant fuck, as in really Dreamer, if any of your friends pulled a stunt like this you'd have given then the lengthiest speech about self worth and keeping one's dignity(which some of my friends gave but I ignored because well, I like seeing how things work out) till they gave in. Took me a while figure out that it wasn't really going to end well because:

you have got to be kidding me....

I must be part of the worst cosmic joke of the century because.....c'mon how can I have the best birthday month of all time followed by a shit load of random stupid events that literally want to drain me of my humanity....
October saw me doing a lot of things but I generally don't like talking about myself especially when it's all positive cz somewhere inside it feels like bragging101 and I'm just not that guy, hence the silence... Anyway, everything seems to be crashing down on my head and I feel like buying a gun and going after father time for this practical joke he calls life cz what the fuck!!.
So, when I left you all my relationship was all hunky dory, fact is, it's not... Thanks to karma I'm in the same situation I was in 9 months ago, only this time the shoes on the other foot... Yup, you got it, I'm the stable mature one and he practically has the coordinates for this relationship set to destruction... Part of the reason I even wanted to be in this damn relationship is because I had found the first imperfectly perfect person I'd ever liked. Let me expound on that,

Finding balance where once there was none

Earlier I was trying to find out what a relationship is and what is needed to keep it healthy..

I figured relationships are what you make them.. I guess the only way to keep a relationship strong is to find a way to meet each others needs.. Love is sacrifice.. And with sacrifice comes reward..






It's Valentine's tomorrow, already have my gift nicely placed in my bag for use tomorrow.. Sorta feel bad that I didn't get them something as well although I don't view Valentines day as a holiday worth celebrating. Shouldn't love be celebrated every single day? Instead we've been brainwashed by corporates into spending all this money on cheap decorations and creating a false feeling of happiness as if all the problems you had before as a couple are simple erased. And for those who's luck has been nothing but present, this day reminds them of what they haven't found or lost forcing them to find anyone to be with just to prevent the feeling of inadequacy. Isn't this what Valentine's day is all about?

To show my disgust towards the commercialism of love i'll be sporting black tomorrow.. :)


Anyway, I guess I'm finally content and happy with the way things hafe turned out in every aspect of my life..

My relationship
My family
School
My social life

It feels good having things going my way for a change.. Hope it lasts..

Realisations : I have issues too. Darn! And the way I thought I was special.

It's Thursday night, edging closer to Friday night and that means I'll finally be able to facebook and tweet. I may have technically bent the rules and uploaded a few pictures from my phone. Fine! Facebook's motto's something along the lines of 'share and communicate with friends', so I haven't done the latter which is basically the only reason I went on this stupid break since i had become over-dependent and used it as my not-so-personal journal and spent ages texting and changing my status update every few seconds. :) .

Anyway, I spent this time doing my assignments, soul searching and waiting for this person to get a clue and figure out why I was so pissed. I guess that's the problem right there, I was waiting for you to read my mind and magically be able to solve it. Maybe I haven't been as open as I should be but that doesn't change the fact that I did feel that way. I'm happy we sorted things out but you have to keep the promises you made today. And I'll make sure you do, because I want things to work, yes, we aren't breaking up.

My resolutions
¤ To tell you when you piss me off when you actually do it so that you can do something about it.
¤ Force you into doing things I want done. I won't go into details.
¤ Give you a month to sort things out or call it quits. My heart can't take another bump on the road.
¤ Not let you walk all over me like a doormat.
The need to do these things would be unnecessary if you only put me into consideration when doing anything pertaining to our relationship. Let's just see how things go, I have confidence in you.

My relationship's better now, my life's been sorted as we speak and I'm confident this will be great year.



|Haiya - Harry Kimani

"Harry Kimani puts me in a trance.. Thank you for making such beautiful music.. :) "