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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

so i took a break... guess i'm still on it..

It's been more than a month since i last posted anything and in that time,
I've forgiven the ones who have hurt me,
tried to rekindle two old flames (really bad idea that one),
gotten stupid drunk and,
randomly found myself in a romantic 60's scene where the two partners fall asleep in each others hands in the back of a car.

Yes, I've had quite a month but i found myself reflecting on past experiences.. I guess you can't figure out where you are headed without remembering where you came from...

I think i'm over the lies... I remember there was time the mention of their name in any setting would have literally given me the shivers. I tend to internalize my feelings a lot so a shiver basically means i was at the brink of explosion. I tried finding closure after the event but that would have basically involved meeting them tété a tété and i honestly didn't want to be in the same room with them, period. I did what i knew best, I let time heal my wounds. Broke all ties, rebuild and learn't to live again, this time on my own. Arranged to meet with them this week so that I could clear the air and I'm sort of hoping i don't end up making things worse... hope it all goes well...

My exes? Yes, I tried and failed.. It would have worked out well if i could just erase their dumb memories.. I know, they are both perfect in their own rites but they hold too much against me..
Fine, I broke your heart..
Okay, I may have been a bitch then..
Well, anyone in my situation would have reacted the same way..
Sorry, I may have led you on a bit but I really like you..
Maybe I didn't really love you but it was close..
Can we start over?

Well, only utter that last statement if you are really sure you have changes.. Apparently I haven't changed nearly enough in both their eyes.. One's looking for a relationship where we'd basically be attached by the hip (needy much?) and the other just wants to be sure of my love.. I get it.. I'm not like the others and you are afraid I'll hurt you so leave me alone.. I don't want you to leave but the mixed signals are confusing.. One time you're okay with everything, the next you're not sure what you got yourself into.. You should take some time and figure it all out.. And that smoking habit won't be pretty in a few years when your teeth start to yellow.. I'm just saying...

I vowed to enjoy my youth by attending more parties and hanging out much and on one such occasion I agreed to get hooked up with this person who's hasn't been around much and it was like talking to myself, when I'm all gated and uncomfortable so the conversation wasn't that awesome. But then we got buzzed and we couldn't stop talking. Fine, the topic wasn't what one would call interesting (renewable energy and new age technologies), not much was talked about in terms of family relations and general likes but it was a breakthrough.. After a few too many, we danced (there was grinding), drank some more, danced again and finally ended up in the back of their car cuddling.. It was really cold outside so the shared warmth was just what we both needed.. In all that seemed like a second it was morning and things between us were awkward once again, figures! They're relatively older than the people i usually date so I may have adjust my needs if this takes off but I haven't gotten called back even after two texts.. Guess that ship has sailed.. I hope not..

This all got me thinking about the film, 'no strings attached' and how at this point of my life i should be after the most convenient situation for myself.. It should never be that complicated..

Typical.. :)