Monday, April 14, 2014

Fuck Feelings, Fuck Them All

Fuck feelings.

Fuck them all. I should be studying but all I can think about is the one that snuck in, the one I thought I loved and the one I think is the one.

The one that snuck in was charming and sweet, but bad for me. Kinda like candy. Exactly like candy, found on every street corner, amazing in your mouth and packs a punch full of regret. A couple of "I don't think this should go on" texts later and the countless deletion of your cellphone numbers, and you're all I think about. You never said I love you, you made me happy when you were around and hate myself when you weren't. You gave me all the affection you could muster but that was a drop in the ocean compared to what I deserved. I loved you, I love you, I hated you, I hate you... I want you so bad it hurts... but I don't want to feel this way... You will always be the one I could have dropped everything for but I know I never was and never will be that guy to you. I try so hard to let you go but then this song plays...

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

then you're all I can think about.

The one I thought I loved. I met you when I was in love with someone else (read above), I just didn't know it until I said I loved you and realised I wasn't talking to you. I saw through your flaws and peeked at the wonderful human being underneath all that hurt, but I couldn't be whole for you. I know you loved me regardless but I need to be whole to love back. I still needed mending. I withdrew, it was always about the one that snuck in. I never should have dragged you into this but I'm even more sorry for how I treated you.

The one who could be the one. Emotionally challenged and bad at general communication but I get it. I don't need constant texts asking me how my day went and I feel like whenever I'm with you, my life makes sense, like here and now is where I'm supposed to be, in your embrace. We take it slow, you're busy, I'm busy, we're getting to know each other, it's fresh, I like you, you like me, but all we can do is wait and see. You make me rethink what relationships should be like. We set goals, we achieve them. We try. I just hope it's not all in my head. It wouldn't be the first time.

You're all on my mind. I'm tired.

To the one that snuck in, I just want you to say you love me and leave it all for me but that's never going to happen. I want you to text because I lost your number on purpose but not calling makes me think you love me so call and be the douchebag I want you to be.

To the one I thought I loved. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought I loved you.

To the one I think is the one. Get to know me. Get to really know me. That's all I ask. I'll do the same.

|"Some journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be."

Excerpt from Mohsin Hamid's 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist'

Friday, August 23, 2013

I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.

ted mosby something wrong with me

Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell

I slipped

Reached out and got the door slammed in my face

I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.

Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.

Then the anger, with life in general

Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.

Asked the universe to give me what I need.

Then I remembered,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.

Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.

I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.


I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The Broken Record that is my Life

I'm back to square one, I'm not shocked by this.
I always do the exact same time every single time.
I'm tired of talking about it.
But I have to.
I have to constantly remind myself so that I don't forget.
But I did.


I'm always in such a hurry to enjoy life that I end up deluding myself into thinking I'm happy and content because the scenario I'm in is conducive to such emotions.
Either that or I have "chronic dissatisfaction".

gif Black and White smile unhappy question black and white gif ? smile gif smile not

I honestly think I do. My father pointed it out once, that's when I knew I was sunk. All I really want is to be with someone fun. I didn't know how hard that was until now. I met someone who fit the bill, sorta. It was the first honest relationship I'd had in a while. We both liked each other and it seemed like all my worries would be over.

You can tell there's a 'but' coming

But I didn't feel right. It felt like one of my past relationships, where I couldn't be myself. It was like I felt judgement whenever I walked out of the box they made. Like I was only allowed to be a certain percentage of myself around them, and anything more was frowned upon.
I'm a pretty wild character, I don't do well with confinement.
That was pretty relevant.
We broke up soon after.

I wasn't ready to be with someone who wasn't okay with letting me be myself. Part of being an emotionless psychopath, is that I never really know what I feel till it's too late. My one regret, is that I didn't try harder. I don't really feel it though. I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing I did. I just didn't want to be in a relationship but didn't want to lose a chance to find the person of my dreams.
They could have been.
OK Then

But they weren't.

I deserve better.

This time I believe it.
It's not just talk.

I'm taking my time. No rush. I am not dating again for a long time.
A Real Housewife Reaction Gif For Every Situation

Shoot me if you find a blog post about another failed relationship.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Well That Was ShortLived

I'm blogging again. I stopped because I always thought that thinking it out, my usual way of sorting stuff out, was enough. Well, it isn't.

Here goes nothing.
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the incoherent babblings of an emotionless psychopathic hopeless romantic by Kaleidoscope Dreamer is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at