Total Pageviews

Popular Posts

Popular Posts

Popular Posts

Sunday, September 27, 2015

The Never Ending Cycle

I'm basically looking back at my posts to try and figure out why I'm always stuck in the same situations.


Boy goes on date.
Boy meets individual.
Boy flirts with individual.
Individual flirts back.
Boy thinks things are going well.
Boy never meets individual again.


Boy meets interesting individual.
Boy and individual get close.
The sex is great.
Boy catches feelings.
Individual doesn't want to be in a state where feelings exist.
Boy pretends to not have feelings.
Feeling leak.
Feelings really leak.
Boy becomes hotbed of feelings.
Individual backs away.
Boy turns into a stalker.


Boy meets individual.
Individual instantly likes boy.
Boy doesn't feel the same way.
Boy pulls away because he doesn't want to hurt individual's feelings.
Individual gets feelings hurt regardless of what boy does.

On their own, these scenarios can be handled.
However, on some days like today, when they are happening at once, life can seem like it is kicking you in the balls.
I just want to be with someone that gets me and wants to be with me, that I like back and wants to do stuff.
Is that too much to ask for?

Saturday, May 3, 2014

You Make Me Irrational

You make me irrational
You make me feel alive without even trying
It sort of feels like a flood of love and sadness
A feeling of joy in the connection of our beings
But a darkness hovers at the realisation that it might not be real
That it is all made up in the canvas of my mind
Therein lies the truth of my own self-manipulation

You make me irrational
Having let me in only to throw me out
Discarded like a piece of trash
My feelings justified by the lack of action
The lack of intimacy
The lack of care
But like a tortured dog
I always return to my master for scraps

You make me irrational
My heart bleeds for you
But I do not exist
Only to your eyes when we meet, if we do meet
But to your heart, I'm only a bleep on your radar
Or so I think
I quite possibly do not exist on that plane of your reality
Forever transfixed between universes
In a limbo of uncertainty

You make me irrational
I want you to say it
To say that you love me and that it tears you apart
That you are consumed by the fire that is your love for me, and the thought of my existence
That herein stands the only person that could ever understand you
That would truly love you
That truly sees you
That accepts you
But that would be a lie
For I am one of many fountains that quench your thirst
That substantiate you existence, making you know that you are truly alive
An selfish act in itself

You make me irrational
I want to scream
But I lay here motionless, paralysed by it all
Hating myself for having tore open the wound that was healing
Watching the blood gush hoping that it stops
That you will come by my side and tend to it
As the sun chases after the moon
Or is it the moon to the sun?
In a perpetual dance
Only to meet for minutes
A breathtaking spectacle, that they each hold on to until they meet again

You make me irrational
You're probably asleep
Unaware of the despair you have caused
Unaware of my brooding heart
Unaware of the longing I feel
Unaware of the love that I seek
Unaware of the love I think you hold
Completely oblivious

You make me irrational
You make me doubt myself
You make me hate myself
You make me hate you
You make me do nothing
For it is all my cross to bare
My reality
My wounds
My suffering
Devoid of your existence

I make myself irrational.
You don't deserve me.

Sunday, April 27, 2014


Change isn't always warranted but sometimes you just need to start afresh without literally starting afresh.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Fuck Feelings, Fuck Them All

Fuck feelings.

Fuck them all. I should be studying but all I can think about is the one that snuck in, the one I thought I loved and the one I think is the one.

The one that snuck in was charming and sweet, but bad for me. Kinda like candy. Exactly like candy, found on every street corner, amazing in your mouth and packs a punch full of regret. A couple of "I don't think this should go on" texts later and the countless deletion of your cellphone numbers, and you're all I think about. You never said I love you, you made me happy when you were around and hate myself when you weren't. You gave me all the affection you could muster but that was a drop in the ocean compared to what I deserved. I loved you, I love you, I hated you, I hate you... I want you so bad it hurts... but I don't want to feel this way... You will always be the one I could have dropped everything for but I know I never was and never will be that guy to you. I try so hard to let you go but then this song plays...

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

then you're all I can think about.

The one I thought I loved. I met you when I was in love with someone else (read above), I just didn't know it until I said I loved you and realised I wasn't talking to you. I saw through your flaws and peeked at the wonderful human being underneath all that hurt, but I couldn't be whole for you. I know you loved me regardless but I need to be whole to love back. I still needed mending. I withdrew, it was always about the one that snuck in. I never should have dragged you into this but I'm even more sorry for how I treated you.

The one who could be the one. Emotionally challenged and bad at general communication but I get it. I don't need constant texts asking me how my day went and I feel like whenever I'm with you, my life makes sense, like here and now is where I'm supposed to be, in your embrace. We take it slow, you're busy, I'm busy, we're getting to know each other, it's fresh, I like you, you like me, but all we can do is wait and see. You make me rethink what relationships should be like. We set goals, we achieve them. We try. I just hope it's not all in my head. It wouldn't be the first time.

You're all on my mind. I'm tired.

To the one that snuck in, I just want you to say you love me and leave it all for me but that's never going to happen. I want you to text because I lost your number on purpose but not calling makes me think you love me so call and be the douchebag I want you to be.

To the one I thought I loved. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought I loved you.

To the one I think is the one. Get to know me. Get to really know me. That's all I ask. I'll do the same.

|"Some journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be."

Excerpt from Mohsin Hamid's 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist'

Friday, August 23, 2013

I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.

ted mosby something wrong with me

Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell

I slipped

Reached out and got the door slammed in my face

I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.

Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.

Then the anger, with life in general

Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.

Asked the universe to give me what I need.

Then I remembered,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.