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Sunday, June 12, 2011

What Next?

I think I have very high standards, a little too high sometimes to the point I think it's just walls I'm building. Every time I think I've met the person for me I end up doing something to sabotage it, willingly or unwillingly. I console myself by saying "maybe it wasn't made to be.. maybe I haven't met the right people.."
Where are they then??
I met someone the other day and we hit it off. Couldn't stop starring into those gorgeous eyes of theirs.. Gosh! If could drown, my lungs would be full water by now.. Anyway, we had a blast. We just sat down at some restaurant in town and sipped on some hot water with honey and some lemon wedges as we got to know each other.. They're doing a B.A course in some private university in Limuru and are rather interesting to chat with. We laughed a little, okay, a lot, and enjoyed each others company while it lasted.. I walked them down to their bus stop, bid them fair well and met up with a few of my friends.. I couldn't stop thinking about them all night but things changed, okay my perception changed..
When I go out with someone, I think of it as a long term deal if not, what am I doing it for? Basically they went through my 'soul mate' criteria and didn't quite make it to the end.. Who am I kidding, they where down and out within a few seconds..
See what I mean by having high standards??
This isn't the first time I thought I'd met the one and ended up stepping back and letting the distance kinda nudge them in the right direction which is usually away from me. It doesn't work quite well sometimes but it's better than looking someone in the face and going, "Honey, it's not, it's me.. I just don't know what I want right now.. I have to let you go" .. Didn't work quite well the last time I used it.
Before all this happens my mind goes round in circles..
Are they the one?
Are perfect for me?
Will I lose interest(almost always do)?
Can I date them?
No, they're too fat...
No, they're too butch.. LOL
No, they're too girly...
No, they're too reserved...
No, they just ain't my type... (what's my type anyway?? o_O)
No, they're too old... (I should keep that one... just saying.. )
No, they remind me too much of my ex... (this one too... there's a reason it didn't work out.. )
No, they live too far.... (so much for love having no boundaries... convenience holds power overall...)

Wait ! Maybe I'm too picky or just plain vain........................
*pauses and thinks*

Reminds me of the phone conversation I had with my da just last week, went something like this..
"Hey you"
"Hi Dad?"
"So, when am I seeing your girlfriend?"
"Ehm! I haven't found one yet"
"Maybe you should lower your standards a bit"
"Really Dad?!"
"I could get you one?"
"Good luck with that"

Makes me wonder if something not wired straight somewhere in here..
I've always felt like I'm the only one blindly manoeuvring through life when everyone else has got a map and a flash light.. I mean really, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and no one else feels this way... Even basic instincts feel wrong....
Or am I over-thinking it?
Don't think so..........................

I can't even have a functional relationship with another human being....................

So, the basic fabric of my existence is flawed and my social skills down right impaired..

What Next?


  1. Of course you're not wired straight.... (pun really intended....)

    Don't worry about life. When the right one comes along, you will know. That's what they say.

  2. i'm not going to give you wise and informative words...we've been over that. i'm not going to tell you that you're not vain-coz you are:news flash honey-so is everyone cant force yourself to like someone long enough for both of you to get hurt. its fine to be picky,it shows that theres something particular that you want-you just dont know it yet. what you do know how ever,is what you dont want. and i've told you this before-you dont have to settle and you shouldn't. Random is right--when the right one comes along: you will know. in the mean time-tell daddy that he ain getting no grand kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. And I thought I had problems!!!!

  4. Random, all this waiting is really frustrating.. life's frustrating.. :(
    Closet case, waiting for the right person's what everyone says i should do but it's apparent that they either don't exist or hiding pretty well..
    Kiu, tell em about it..