I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.



Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell


I slipped



Reached out and got the door slammed in my face


I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.



Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.


Then the anger, with life in general


Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.


Asked the universe to give me what I need.


Then I remembered,


Then,

So,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

stuck in a rut like a really broke brat

I feel like what took place yesterday has offset my thinking. You know how you're not supposed to swim when you've just eaten - accept the premise no matter how flawed - well i shouldn't sort out matters of the heart when I'm clouded with emotions..... My best friend practically feel off the face of the planet after we had a little spat yesterday. I can take raging texts, unfriending on social networks, bad mouthing to other friends about how I'm such an innate blob or even physical confrontation but silence, that's the straw that broke the camels' back.. I have no idea what i did or what exactly i didn't do... I'm stuck, unable to move like a painting hung upon a wall. I'd wanted to go on about how wonderful the person i met was and pretty much try to talk myself out of dating them because i feel like i don't deserve them but sometimes it's not just about the persona..

first song that came to mind was coldplay's x&y.... my weak hand's my right one... all this typing is murder....

Trying hard to speak and fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction, so part of the plan
When something is broken and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, you can
I, dive in at the deep end, he become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, I can
You and me are floating on a tidal wave


sounds wey better sung.... *rethinks song choice*

in love with the idea of love ... understatement of the century

where to start? I just got off a video chat with them....... and I'm scared shitless that I might like them......

I know what you're thinking? He spends all his time looking for the perfect person, settles, takes up his old standards, finds someone, realises they're taken, finds someone else, rushes in too fast, spooks them, runs home with his tail between his legs and when he finds someone who remotely fits his prerequisites, he wants to bail....
well, what else can I do? I'm afraid of love...... It looks all nice and perdy- that's how i pronounce the word 'pretty', deal with it-from the outside but inside its lovely exterior is a lot of hard work, communication and effort.........

why isn't love easy? ...........

why isn't love one of those things that is never that serious?......

1. Because it's always about who has the upper hand, who's in control....
no one wants to be at the mercy of their partner. no one wants to be pushed around and told what to do and have no choice but do it because they're in love.
Either that, or I've been in the worst relationships in history....

2. Because it hurts when it ends.....
or when it needs to end. the thoughts always there, 'i know it won't last forever so why bother?' 'i don't think being with them is the best thing for the both of us.....' then it starts.. the heartache, the yearning..... the feeling that your heart has literally swollen and aches for their love.... you're just left there, in pain, a love junkie.......... in withdrawal
Well, you could say, "Live in the present, Dreamer, there's no hope in thinking of tomorrow." but who am I kidding?? For someone who relishes the idea of living in the moment, I tend to plan a lot.... I just like knowing where things are going.

3. Because I never know if I really want to be in it half the time...
Is that how it's supposed to be? Is that fair? Being in a relationship half heartedly? Constantly waiting for something better? Is that fair to them?......
How do you know when they're the one or do you just wait it out as see where your chips may fall?.... Better luck next time if it doesn't work out? ...
Is love just one big gamble or am I just clueless???

4. Because you never know when your in love till you start to give a fuck..
Masala-hold the fries- knows this too well...... Love is one mean son of a gun, it'll find you anywhere you are, go against your better judgement and make you pay for inviting the idea into your head... And trust me, it's the happiest feeling, being in love, it's like someone chained your heart and now has sole possession over it. Whoever said love is freeing must have been high on mushrooms...

Come to think of it, am I too young to even think about love? Should I be out there enjoying the world in my youth trying to find balance and meaning in the world and block all this out?? ............

Maybe love isn't what I think it is.. Where's a manual when you need one.....
*goes to bed questioning his idea of love and relationships *

What Next?

I think I have very high standards, a little too high sometimes to the point I think it's just walls I'm building. Every time I think I've met the person for me I end up doing something to sabotage it, willingly or unwillingly. I console myself by saying "maybe it wasn't made to be.. maybe I haven't met the right people.."

Where are they then??

I met someone the other day and we hit it off. Couldn't stop starring into those gorgeous eyes of theirs.. Gosh! If could drown, my lungs would be full water by now.. Anyway, we had a blast. We just sat down at some restaurant in town and sipped on some hot water with honey and some lemon wedges as we got to know each other.. They're doing a B.A course in some private university in Limuru and are rather interesting to chat with. We laughed a little, okay, a lot, and enjoyed each others company while it lasted.. I walked them down to their bus stop, bid them fair well and met up with a few of my friends.. I couldn't stop thinking about them all night but things changed, okay my perception changed..

When I go out with someone, I think of it as a long term deal if not, what am I doing it for? Basically they went through my 'soul mate' criteria and didn't quite make it to the end.. Who am I kidding, they where down and out within a few seconds..

See what I mean by having high standards??

This isn't the first time I thought I'd met the one and ended up stepping back and letting the distance kinda nudge them in the right direction which is usually away from me. It doesn't work quite well sometimes but it's better than looking someone in the face and going, "Honey, it's not, it's me.. I just don't know what I want right now.. I have to let you go" .. Didn't work quite well the last time I used it.

Before all this happens my mind goes round in circles..

Are they the one?

Are perfect for me?

Will I lose interest(almost always do)?

Can I date them?

No, they're too fat...

No, they're too butch.. LOL

No, they're too girly...

No, they're too reserved...

No, they just ain't my type... (what's my type anyway?? o_O)

No, they're too old... (I should keep that one... just saying.. )

No, they remind me too much of my ex... (this one too... there's a reason it didn't work out.. )

No, they live too far.... (so much for love having no boundaries... convenience holds power overall...)

Wait ! Maybe I'm too picky or just plain vain........................

*pauses and thinks*

Reminds me of the phone conversation I had with my da just last week, went something like this..

"Hey you"

"Hi Dad?"

"So, when am I seeing your girlfriend?"

"Ehm! I haven't found one yet"

"Maybe you should lower your standards a bit"

"Really Dad?!"

"I could get you one?"

"Good luck with that"

***********

Makes me wonder if something not wired straight somewhere in here..

I've always felt like I'm the only one blindly manoeuvring through life when everyone else has got a map and a flash light.. I mean really, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and no one else feels this way... Even basic instincts feel wrong....

Or am I over-thinking it?

Don't think so..........................

I can't even have a functional relationship with another human being....................

So, the basic fabric of my existence is flawed and my social skills down right impaired..

What Next?