I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.



Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell


I slipped



Reached out and got the door slammed in my face


I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.



Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.


Then the anger, with life in general


Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.


Asked the universe to give me what I need.


Then I remembered,


Then,

So,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.



Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.


I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.

Sigh!




I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

The Broken Record that is my Life

I'm back to square one, I'm not shocked by this.
I always do the exact same time every single time.
I'm tired of talking about it.
But I have to.
I have to constantly remind myself so that I don't forget.
But I did.


*starts*

I'm always in such a hurry to enjoy life that I end up deluding myself into thinking I'm happy and content because the scenario I'm in is conducive to such emotions.
Either that or I have "chronic dissatisfaction".



I honestly think I do. My father pointed it out once, that's when I knew I was sunk. All I really want is to be with someone fun. I didn't know how hard that was until now. I met someone who fit the bill, sorta. It was the first honest relationship I'd had in a while. We both liked each other and it seemed like all my worries would be over.

You can tell there's a 'but' coming



But I didn't feel right. It felt like one of my past relationships, where I couldn't be myself. It was like I felt judgement whenever I walked out of the box they made. Like I was only allowed to be a certain percentage of myself around them, and anything more was frowned upon.
I'm a pretty wild character, I don't do well with confinement.
That was pretty relevant.
We broke up soon after.

I wasn't ready to be with someone who wasn't okay with letting me be myself. Part of being an emotionless psychopath, is that I never really know what I feel till it's too late. My one regret, is that I didn't try harder. I don't really feel it though. I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing I did. I just didn't want to be in a relationship but didn't want to lose a chance to find the person of my dreams.
They could have been.
Honestly.


But they weren't.

I deserve better.

This time I believe it.
It's not just talk.

I'm taking my time. No rush. I am not dating again for a long time.


Shoot me if you find a blog post about another failed relationship.

Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Conditioning or Reality?

And I don't mean the thing you mix into your after you rinse out your shampoo..... I mean what we're made to think we should do.....

Am I conditioned to love?

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

October Babies

This post goes out to all those amazing October babies out there and you guessed it, I'm one too.

I never really get what the big deal is with new years and all those resolutions people set when they really should be setting them on their birthdays. It makes sense that way because it's literally the start of a new year in your existence. This year I've pretty much been all over the place thinking about growing up and what exactly I should do about it.

Should I act older?
Should I act my age?
Should I act younger cz I can get away with it?????

Anyway, I figured all I can do is just live by the day and do what is required of me in different situations. Basically maturity is knowing how to act, matching your situation with the relevant trait.

My resolutions.....

*drum rolls please*

1.Go to all the events I want to
2.Study during the day even if my schedule is tighter than most headlocks in most wrestling shows
3.Find my purpose
4.Be a nag - If I really want something I should fight for it
5.Get better at driving
6.Get a camera
7.Leave the country at least once
8.Don't date

......................................

The list goes on and on and on but generally, I need to be a better person this year...

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

Calm Waters

I took my advice seriously
I slowed down and prioritized
It was different
The slowing down bit at least
Then it got to matters of the heart and I realised I wasn't being nice
Fine, I was being ass to Person of Interest
I was pushing them aside as I figured my shit out
It made sense then
But if they're supposed to be in my life in that capacity
Shouldn't I involve them in what's going on?
I really like them
Like A LOT!!!
And when I like someone that much I have to be able to tell you anything
I mean anything
Because
If I can't ,
WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU?????

Awkward. Revelations and Truths

I've always had an over active imagination........

Not in the "OH MY GOD!!!! LSD was slipped into my veins while I lay there helpless in my mother's womb" usual way

But in a way that would make you scream, at the top of your voice and in one breath for dramatic flare

* cue ermahgerd girl meme *

 "HOLY CRAB CAKE!!! Are those all the thoughts in your head constantly working out different scenarios in which every step you take, could take you and inevitably making your serotonin levels drop considerably"

*looks out for an unmarked ambulance, destination : unknown asylum*

Stranger Comfort and Pressurized Spaces

No, I'm not talking about creature comforts where the the creatures are stranger.......
It's more a term I just coined up to explain my current situation....

I never did get it, why as human beings we're so much more honest and open with people we just met than people who we've lived with for many years.... I mean isn't logical that the person I have been friends with should know more about me than a person I just met days ago???I call it,

 'Stranger Comfort'

I think it's simple really, deep down you know that this person you've loved and shared with over the years might not always be there you because as people, we drift but strangers are strangers because they hold no tie to your life thus don't cause any harm to it in the end......

But what happens when this stranger becomes your friend?

Screeching Halt

That's what happened right now.... I stopped, I suddenly came to a screeching halt...

*I love it when I use my titles in my post*

Smoke everywhere
The smell of burning rubber in the air
I finally realised what my problem is........

For a while now I've been in such a rush to get to my destination, you know, that point in life where everything fits in.......

Your career
Your life's work
Your love life
Your beliefs

I've been driving myself crazy trying to get to that point where all these things will be sorted out and blooming in the midday sun, soaking up all the rays up in eternal bliss.......

Imagine You and Me

Funny how most of my inspiration comes from films and books I happen to come across say the film, “Imagine You and Me” that this post is rightly named after. I watched it about week ago, been planning to write about it from the second the credits started rolling down the screen. It was basically about a woman called Rachel, who happens to meet the love of her life at her wedding and knew from the moment her eyes met with a lovely florist named Luc as her father walked her down the aisle. But being the irrationally rational beings that we are, she opted to ignore it and go through with her wedding. I mean she was getting married to her best friend and their love was well groomed and offered the security she had always wanted so why would she throw all that away for a lingering glare and a spark?????????

I’ll come back to it when I’m done….

So she gets married and befriends Luc after she helped fish out her oversized wedding ring from the punch bowl at the reception, I mean the ease at which they talked and the sparks between the would have started the big bang all over again, right there in that tent. One thing led to another and they kissed, which sent Rachel into a state of confusion leading into the conclusion that she should stay with her husband because it’s the right thing to do.

Right thing to do?

Right thing to do?

Staying married to a man you don’t love is the right thing to do???????? This one is definitely on my ranting list.

Her husband, Hector, finds out, I think his best friend told him or something, my memory fails me at this point, and he goes on about how he can’t let her stay with him if she doesn’t love him back because that wouldn’t be right and he wants to be with someone who loves him and she needs to be with someone she loves too. He gets emotional at this point and leaves her after which she goes on to look for Luc, who was on her way to a start her life somewhere else but they find each other in a traffic jam and live happily ever after or what not anyway, they end up together and the film ends there. At this point, my eyes were filled with tears, I was having an emotional week so stop judging and sat down to reflect and it went something like this………..

Note: I’m an only child so I talk to myself in the third person, many imaginary friends were created in my childhood.

“This shit only happens in the movies but fine, they made a few points. I mean sure, I should listen to my gut because the shit I get myself into always has a way of blowing up in my face. Dreamer, how many times are you going to tell yourself that you’ll see how things go or how things are different this time or how you should be more open or the worst of them all, how this could be your chance at happiness when clearly shit ain’t right??????? ………………………………………………………….. 

Many… 

Yes, many times so STOP SETTLING…. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s muy wrong……… 

Fine… 

Good……..

I’m not done though. You should slow down on this whole finding love thing, I mean you’re not even twenty yet so why are you getting all mid-life crisisy when you haven’t even figured what you want yet. Look at guys your age, they’re just having fun and enjoying their youth when you’re there fast-forwarding into the future. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! How many times have you agreed to date someone when you knew for sure it wasn’t going to work out and have to go through the trials of trying to figure out how to break up with them??????? …………………………….. 

Many……. 

Exactly, just say no when you’re sure because you and I both know there’s no way you’re going to sprout love out of nowhere if it wasn’t there to begin with…. Fine…….. So no compromising when it comes to your hurt, I mean sure when you like them and things are going well you’ll have to do it to ease friction in other areas but not when it comes to your feelings…. Just be honest to them and yourself, okay??? …………………. Sure, it makes sense….”

After that I made a pact with myself and vowed to do right by me and keep my word…………. Didn’t last long, my next post pretty much sums up that colossal failure that is my inability to make rational decisions…………..

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

I write....

I write to organise my thoughts. 
My brain's a mess half the time and but it down on paper helps me see more clearly.

I write to ease my suffering.
My heart's full of emotions and my only instinct is to write.
'Put it all down, it'll ease your pain'
'Put it all down, it'll soon be over'
Put it all down, it'll all be well'

I write to remember
More often than not, my heart gets me into situations I've been in before so it's always good to have something to look back at for ideas.

I write to think
I know what you're thinking, 'doesn't he use his brain for that?' .. well, lets just say when I write  my thoughts flow out more easily

I write to inform
I write to show you my experiences so you can learn from them. Sharing my failures and triumphs so your journey down the road less travelled isn't as dicey as mine is and was.

I  write because I'm free...
Freedom is relative, I'll talk about that later when I've gathered more ammunition to blow your mind away... too much... *LQTM*

I write because it's the only thing I have control over
Beats trying to take over the world.