I finally have the laptop it being a weekend et al.
These partial visitations are starting to get old. Every other weekend just doesn’t cut it anymore. I should get one of my own; even so it probably wouldn’t be as sentimental as this one. Gosh! The things this machine and I have been through, shitty viruses that threatened its very existence, the great ownership debate of 2010 and the vista-fication process. I love windows xp’s simplicity but the graphics are shadier than a village raised kamba, I should know, I’m related to some of them. It needed a face lift and looks all nice and fresh now but it's too bad I don’t get to enjoy the benefits of my labour but my mother keeps really good care of him.
On to other pressing matters, I decided to take life by the balls and stationed four post-its on my door which read:
‘Brush twice a day’
I only fail to follow this whenever I go out drinking. I’m sorry, the moment I get into that house all I can think of is food and sleep. Personal hygiene gets kicked off the train at that point
‘Don’t be lazy. ‘
As I’ve mentioned time and time again I tend to be a tad lazy.
Okay, maybe a lot but only when I’m not being pressured by projects and school work. Being on break doesn’t help. But I decided I needed the extra push just so that I don’t find myself glued to the bed or sofa with no intent to leave the house whatsoever, at that point I’d rather stay credit-less than step out of the house. My friends would probably second the notion on this post it due to all those failed responses to their texts.
‘Keep my room tidy’
This post-it just points out the fact that I have to keep all my clutter in one place. As my mum always points out, ‘it’s better to have one pile of clutter than many piles strewn all over the place’ … point noted and followed.
The last post-it is the most important and influential
’Make the most of every moment *underlined with a squiggly line*
This refers to my recent depressive blog posts. I figured I’d best tackle the frustration and sadness better by living life by the day. So, I commissioned this post-it and wouldn’t you know it I was back to my old self in no time… had an awesome time from Wednesday to Saturday this week. It was short lived though. I usually meet with one of my friend circles in town where we get to catch up, share our experiences and plan more meets and functions. So yesterday there were a few new faces and I took to one of them instantly. This charming young fellow and I got to know each other amidst all the chatter and intrusions and on our usual walk to our bus stops he asked me if he could make a general comment about our first meeting. I’m not one to block off other people’s opinions so I gave the go ahead. I just gazed at him in awe as he went on about a certain sadness radiating from my being and how I wasn’t myself…..
It was as if he was narrating a synopsis of my entire blog right there, a man I’ve never met before was explaining my own predicament to my face…
Uhm! I couldn’t talk...
I finally thought I’d found an answer to my problems, the guide to life I’d been looking for, a way to get rid of all the sadness. He mentioned ‘letting go’ and I was taken back to this week’s poetry spot at all saints cathedral. The topic, wouldn’t you know it was all about letting go of all the hurt and pain inflicted by others in our lives. I had forgiven my dad for not being there for most of my life and promised myself to stop calling him ‘the human atm’ unless it was implied as a joke so that wasn’t the cause of all the sadness.
It wasn’t my ex either; I forgave them a long time ago. Yes, the scars still hurt but I had. I wouldn’t say it was an abusive relationship but you know that old children’s saying “sticks and bones may break your bones but words will never hurt you”, well, it’s rubbish. A few comments came my way that hurt but I’m just about over that so that’s not it either.
The random non-related individuals who have infiltrated my life are a bother but not enough to contribute to the sadness even though they have got a lot to do with the frustration. Trying to smother me with parenting a bit too late on one end and being all up in my business on the other. I’m sorry but my family dynamics are a bit too stressful. Feel like I should join my grandfolks in their upcountry estate and forget them all, except my mother of course.
I think I’ve let go.
But I remember telling my newly acquired friend that after my recent break up the pieces of my heart just didn’t seem to fit together sort of like when you break a ceramic cup and try to glue it back together, it never quite looks the same.
Is that causing the sadness?
Or are the remnants of all these issues causing it?
That I do not know.
But what I do know is that perfect stranger saw it all.
The mask that hold in all the emotions.
The held back tears.
The loss of ‘the thrill to live’.
The efforts it takes to smile.
He saw it all even when all my friends didn’t or did but didn’t point it out.
His answer to all this is simple,
My thoughts on prayer are pretty simple,
I don’t normally burden the lord with my issues and only others because I’m not really sure about my beliefs. One of my earlier mentors told me that it’s much better to believe than to wander around faithless but I pointed out I wasn’t quite faithless. I believe in a higher being but as one whole unit comprising of all living things. The universe. We are all just recycled material anyway moving on to make other things.
A lump of rock.
It’s the circle of life.
Where does heaven and hell fit into all this?
Unless you are talking about the hydrogen molecules that are part of my physical body one day being part of a water molecule soaring in the air as a part of the clouds or the carbon molecules in my body one day being part of the magma in the mantle, I have no idea how your idea of the afterlife fits in our existence.
All that said I’m not giving up the idea of praying but just stating that I don’t think it would help.
At the end of our conversation in the bus to my destination he pointed out that I should stop ‘trying to enjoy life’, let go, take it all in and ‘enjoy life’.
Just let go off the sadness?
Crying it all out and moving it all out like the popping of a pestering boil, fast and painful but worth it in the end.
Guess I’ll just let go of the sadness, isn’t what people generally do when they pray, give it all up to the Lord.
*grabs a box of tissues*