This week i have been subjected to two weird matatu scenarios.. First the matatu i took on Monday happened to run out of fuel as we left our bus stop and had to be pumped (this involves the conductor constantly massaging the fuel pipe) until we got to the petrol station. Couldn't help but laugh my ass off. Today was another story, the matatu lost battery power on the highway which left the conductor to push the van -with the help of two passengers, I'd have helped but my hands can't do jack- to the nearest bus stop where we got a replacement and were in town in no more than ten minutes. Still can't believe after all that the lecturer was a no-show.
Anyway, apart from the weird occurrences that always seem to happen in my life, I'd say everything is going on well considering i ended 'the' relationship. Sort of bummed that i did but i honestly felt like it was consuming me. Facing reality is one of the hardest things to do. Realizing that you can't lie to yourself anymore, that saying your happy will not miraculously change your situation or that you can change yourself for someone else without losing yourself or change them enough to be something close to what you imagined they should have been.
Love is the will to nurture life and growth in oneself and in another... Love is personal; it is the sacred trust of living things. Likewise, love is neither need nor dependency. 'I need you' is not the same as 'I love you'. Need as the basis of a relationship may lead one person to suffocate another through demands. Need may drive me to manipulate, intimidate, or coerce you into fulfilling me.
This excerpt from the 'Quaker : Advices and Queries' expresses my sentiments exactly..
'Love is so vastly different! It is freeing; it acknowledges the separateness of the beloved. It treasures the unique otherness of the beloved that is each one's contribution to the relationship. Love calls for submission and sacrifice. It does not seek to possess, but rather to empty itself in nurture of the loved one.
Donald A Green, 1982 '
I'm guessing love is just that, the emotion. You either have it or you don't. I don't think any amount of force could force you to love someone, it has to come from within. All that's there to do is to learn from past mistakes and use that to prevent the same thing from happening again. It was fun while it lasted minus the crazy bits in the middle.. :)Still trying to figure out what I'm feeling because it's hard to explain.. it's sorta in the middle of pain and relief but not quite there. It's like I'm feeling every emotion known to man all the time but I'll be okay. After all that I had to go through i think i found myself again.. and that's all that matters now.. And in the next relationship I'll be in I'll be sure to take all I've learnt straight to heart by taking it slow, easing into it and enjoying every second of it. :)