Meh!

 I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. Why am I here again?

I'm in a job that I don't like in a field I'm not passionate about doing work that I don't care for.

I'm out here looking for PD options so that I can show how great I am to have in these companies. Do they want me? Am I dilusional? What am I even doing here?

The answer is I'm not sure. I feel like I'm doing all the things one should to move ahead in life but hating every moment of it.

The Spirit Moves Me

 It's 2021

COVID has been part of our collective reality for more than a year now

I haven't felt inpired to write in years

Today of all days is the day my sould feels the consumed by the need to jot don all my thoughts in one swoop. 

My thoughts jumbled and falling over each other as the torent of words try to leave my brain hoping to flow out of my mouth in a coherent manner.

Here I am sitting on my couch with my cat next to me as a wonderful man makes us dinner while I fret over my work situation and the looming fear of the premature death of a loved one.

That's where I am now.

Alive. Healthy. In a foreign land. Loved. Constantly thinking about what my next should be while simultaneously leiving in the moment.

I would say 2021 ismy most productive year yet.

• I learnt how to touch-type - I'm still not perfect but boy has my typing speed and accuracy excelled (and spelling btw)
• I sought for balance in my life wth all the things I am passionate about.
• I pursued a new project and surprisngly excelled in it - I need to get on the next chapter soon.
• I found love during the time of Corona (a working title)
• I started taking month long breaks between birthday fueled brunches and fun latenight dance parties

But with all of that I still havea lot to work on like

• My sould sucking job that I love when I'm actually soing my job
• I haven't been saving as much as I should but I'm working on it even though I'm being paid peanuts
• I still don't know what my next step is - work, second masters or PhD
• I'm out to my mum but still feel unable to share my happiness with her - That will basically be a whole book

Anyway, I'm foreseeing myself writing a book

I don't know what on

I   don;t know by when

I don't even know what about but...

...the spirit moves me

The Never Ending Cycle

I'm basically looking back at my posts to try and figure out why I'm always stuck in the same situations.

#1

Boy goes on date.
Boy meets individual.
Boy flirts with individual.
Individual flirts back.
Boy thinks things are going well.
Boy never meets individual again.

#2

Boy meets interesting individual.
Boy and individual get close.
The sex is great.
Boy catches feelings.
Individual doesn't want to be in a state where feelings exist.
Boy pretends to not have feelings.
Feeling leak.
Feelings really leak.
Boy becomes hotbed of feelings.
Individual backs away.
Boy turns into a stalker.

#3

Boy meets individual.
Individual instantly likes boy.
Boy doesn't feel the same way.
Boy pulls away because he doesn't want to hurt individual's feelings.
Individual gets feelings hurt regardless of what boy does.

On their own, these scenarios can be handled.
However, on some days like today, when they are happening at once, life can seem like it is kicking you in the balls.
I just want to be with someone that gets me and wants to be with me, that I like back and wants to do stuff.
Is that too much to ask for?

You Make Me Irrational

You make me irrational

You make me feel alive without even trying

It sort of feels like a flood of love and sadness

A feeling of joy in the connection of our beings

But a darkness hovers at the realisation that it might not be real

That it is all made up in the canvas of my mind
Therein lies the truth of my own self-manipulation

You make me irrational

Having let me in only to throw me out

Discarded like a piece of trash

My feelings justified by the lack of action

The lack of intimacy

The lack of care

But like a tortured dog

I always return to my master for scraps

You make me irrational

My heart bleeds for you

But I do not exist

Only to your eyes when we meet, if we do meet

But to your heart, I'm only a bleep on your radar

Or so I think

I quite possibly do not exist on that plane of your reality
Forever transfixed between universes
In a limbo of uncertainty

You make me irrational

I want you to say it

To say that you love me and that it tears you apart

That you are consumed by the fire that is your love for me, and the thought of my existence

That herein stands the only person that could ever understand you

That would truly love you

That truly sees you

That accepts you
But that would be a lie
For I am one of many fountains that quench your thirst
That substantiate you existence, making you know that you are truly alive
An selfish act in itself

You make me irrational

I want to scream

But I lay here motionless, paralysed by it all

Hating myself for having tore open the wound that was healing

Watching the blood gush hoping that it stops

That you will come by my side and tend to it

As the sun chases after the moon

Or is it the moon to the sun?
In a perpetual dance
Only to meet for minutes
A breathtaking spectacle, that they each hold on to until they meet again

You make me irrational

You're probably asleep

Unaware of the despair you have caused

Unaware of my brooding heart

Unaware of the longing I feel

Unaware of the love that I seek

Unaware of the love I think you hold
Completely oblivious

You make me irrational

You make me doubt myself

You make me hate myself

You make me hate you

You make me do nothing

For it is all my cross to bare

My reality

My wounds

My suffering

Devoid of your existence

I make myself irrational.
You don't deserve me.

Change.

Change isn't always warranted but sometimes you just need to start afresh without literally starting afresh.

Fuck Feelings, Fuck Them All

Fuck feelings.

Fuck them all. I should be studying but all I can think about is the one that snuck in, the one I thought I loved and the one I think is the one.

The one that snuck in was charming and sweet, but bad for me. Kinda like candy. Exactly like candy, found on every street corner, amazing in your mouth and packs a punch full of regret. A couple of "I don't think this should go on" texts later and the countless deletion of your cellphone numbers, and you're all I think about. You never said I love you, you made me happy when you were around and hate myself when you weren't. You gave me all the affection you could muster but that was a drop in the ocean compared to what I deserved. I loved you, I love you, I hated you, I hate you... I want you so bad it hurts... but I don't want to feel this way... You will always be the one I could have dropped everything for but I know I never was and never will be that guy to you. I try so hard to let you go but then this song plays...

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

then you're all I can think about.

The one I thought I loved. I met you when I was in love with someone else (read above), I just didn't know it until I said I loved you and realised I wasn't talking to you. I saw through your flaws and peeked at the wonderful human being underneath all that hurt, but I couldn't be whole for you. I know you loved me regardless but I need to be whole to love back. I still needed mending. I withdrew, it was always about the one that snuck in. I never should have dragged you into this but I'm even more sorry for how I treated you.

The one who could be the one. Emotionally challenged and bad at general communication but I get it. I don't need constant texts asking me how my day went and I feel like whenever I'm with you, my life makes sense, like here and now is where I'm supposed to be, in your embrace. We take it slow, you're busy, I'm busy, we're getting to know each other, it's fresh, I like you, you like me, but all we can do is wait and see. You make me rethink what relationships should be like. We set goals, we achieve them. We try. I just hope it's not all in my head. It wouldn't be the first time.

You're all on my mind. I'm tired.

To the one that snuck in, I just want you to say you love me and leave it all for me but that's never going to happen. I want you to text because I lost your number on purpose but not calling makes me think you love me so call and be the douchebag I want you to be.

To the one I thought I loved. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought I loved you.

To the one I think is the one. Get to know me. Get to really know me. That's all I ask. I'll do the same.

|"Some journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be."

Excerpt from Mohsin Hamid's 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist'

I'm going to die alone

I really am.
I think I want to, thus the constant heartbreak.
Either that or I'm not meeting the right people.
Or I'm meeting the right people and I'm the problem.



Post-break up blues
This has been the past two weeks in a nutshell


I slipped



Reached out and got the door slammed in my face


I wondered why I didn't see them for what they were sooner.



Got slightly angry. Yeah, slightly!

The numbness kicked in.


Then the anger, with life in general


Recurrent realizations were made, as usual. I'd made them before. I wonder why I even write them dowm anymore if I'm going to chuck logic out the door every time I meet someone I like.


Asked the universe to give me what I need.


Then I remembered,


Then,

So,



Because face it, the reason my relationships suck is because I'm never in them. I don't share. I need someone I can be myself around.

Just a Random Thought

"Maybe I should date someone fun"

That's been going through my mind ever since my very first break up and every time I've broken up with someone..

Because you always break up with them. You have serious issues my friend, serious issues.



Anyway, so yeah, I should date someone fun. I should expound on that, I really should. For my case, not yours. It's that everyone I've dated ended up being a really shitty people, which I was okay with because, let's face it, I'm pretty messed up. It's kind of like organized clutter, where I have a lot of shit but it's neatly stacked into huge collapsible piles. That's beyond the point, they just aren't fun. Either that or I get really bored, really fast and what attracted me to them ends up not being enough because I evolve too much. I'm like a virus, constantly changing and morphing into something new everyday and I just need someone who is okay with that and enjoys life the way I do.

I'm pretty open for whatever.


I need a fun liberal soul to take me somewhere close where we can picnic in the middle of the street in the dead of night, sipping on wine as we map our future. That was actually the dream last night.

Sigh!




I'm waiting and searching. Trust me,

The Broken Record that is my Life

I'm back to square one, I'm not shocked by this.
I always do the exact same time every single time.
I'm tired of talking about it.
But I have to.
I have to constantly remind myself so that I don't forget.
But I did.


*starts*

I'm always in such a hurry to enjoy life that I end up deluding myself into thinking I'm happy and content because the scenario I'm in is conducive to such emotions.
Either that or I have "chronic dissatisfaction".



I honestly think I do. My father pointed it out once, that's when I knew I was sunk. All I really want is to be with someone fun. I didn't know how hard that was until now. I met someone who fit the bill, sorta. It was the first honest relationship I'd had in a while. We both liked each other and it seemed like all my worries would be over.

You can tell there's a 'but' coming



But I didn't feel right. It felt like one of my past relationships, where I couldn't be myself. It was like I felt judgement whenever I walked out of the box they made. Like I was only allowed to be a certain percentage of myself around them, and anything more was frowned upon.
I'm a pretty wild character, I don't do well with confinement.
That was pretty relevant.
We broke up soon after.

I wasn't ready to be with someone who wasn't okay with letting me be myself. Part of being an emotionless psychopath, is that I never really know what I feel till it's too late. My one regret, is that I didn't try harder. I don't really feel it though. I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing I did. I just didn't want to be in a relationship but didn't want to lose a chance to find the person of my dreams.
They could have been.
Honestly.


But they weren't.

I deserve better.

This time I believe it.
It's not just talk.

I'm taking my time. No rush. I am not dating again for a long time.


Shoot me if you find a blog post about another failed relationship.

Well That Was ShortLived

I'm blogging again. I stopped because I always thought that thinking it out, my usual way of sorting stuff out, was enough. Well, it isn't.

Here goes nothing.

The End, For Now.... It's all about Sorting the Clutter

It has been a while since I blogged.

It's not that I don't have anything to say, or that I have too much to say but that I don't think I should be sharing it. Most of the time when I'm seated at my desk as I am right now, I'm always torn between sharing as much as I should while not caring or not sharing as much while completely loosing the point all together. In a perfect world I'd love to share as much as I could on all the ups and downs I encounter through the journey that is my life but sadly, I can't.

I don't fear rejection or judgment, I thrive on it. I think sometimes human beings need a kick in the butt, that's what reality is, a never ending reminder that you are less important than you think you are. What really has changed is my reason for blogging. Sitting now, I feel the flow of words and emotions filling me up and flowing onto my screen and I love it. I used to blog to share but now I feel like that changed. I started blogging to think. And how can I possibly think when I can't share all the thoughts in my head. I'm in awe at all the wonderful bloggers out there that put in all their heart and soul into sharing and changing the world. I love it.

I'm not quitting. I'll still blog but privately. My mind can't contain all my thoughts, but neither can my open blog. If you feel this blog has helped you in any way, kindly post a comment and I might be convinced to blog about the stuff that really matters but only if you need me to.

So it's the end, for now.... Just to sort out the clutter.

P.S I have two last posts from a whiiiiiiiiiiiiiile back, when I was about 18. They aren't the happiest of posts but they are real.

Enjoy!

Seeing the World from Different Eyes

Was the world always this simple?
The sky always blue
Not a shade formed by the refraction of light in our atmosphere?
The grass always green
Not the colour of chlorophyl?
Time so slow
Not super fast and beyond my reach
Love, pure
Not a bunch of calculated moves and desires
Choices, direct
Not complex mathematical variables
Thoughts, opinions
Not delusions I must get rid off
Peace, in my soul
Not found before the creation of the britches
Order, mine to keep
Not to be enforced by some outside force
My life, My own
Not someone else's to hold
Not someone else's to control
Not someone else's to subject to pain
Not someone else's to subject to torture
Not someone else's to subject to suffering
Not someone else's to cage
Not someone else's to beat up
Not someone else's to hide away in some corner
Not someone else's to hold hostage
Not someone else's to beat life out of
Period!!!
But my own..

If they call them ‘the Ups and Downs of Life’, why do I always feel like I’m always down?

I get roller coasters
Hills and valleys are basic knowledge
And gravity
You know
'All that goes up must come down', right?
But why do I always feel like gravity does its job a bit too well
Holding me tight
Doesn't give up the fight
Keeping my glued to the ground with all its might
Unable to soar in the air

Okay, not soar but feel weightlessness for that mere instant
Instant gratification
Short-lived pleasures
Is that all we live for?
The bliss that pops up between the mists of insanity
Not my insanity
I mean the insanity plaguing the world
More often than not I feel like the outsider

Don't give me that
'Everyone feels like an outsider once in a while crap'
I feel it all the time
Feels like everyone's looking out for numero uno
And I'm stuck trying to solve the problems of people who don't seem to need it

Wait! I've blogged this already
Problem not solved then
Why is it everytime you try finding yourself
You end up more confused and relatively more lost
That you were in the beginning

Argh!

It's worse when you're stuck between
Happiness that involves making everyone around you miserable
Or
Conforming to the whims of society
Sucking it in
Going against your nature

Or nurture as some people think
And creating the illusion of happiness
All in an effort to make everyone else around you comfortable
It sucks, don't it?

In some twisted way, we can logically say
We're born to make everyone else happy
Bullocks!
It's my life
Sod off!
Yes, I feel frustration
I'm only human………….

Or so I think
Maybe not
And if so
There's something off
Coz' they aren't…………………………….

So,
What must I constantly be in search of happiness
Aren't I happy?
Well, maybe I am
But this can't be it
It's more like contentment
Content with what I have
What is true happiness?
Belonging?
Getting what I want?
Love?
Pain?
Drama?
Security?
What am I fighting for?
An idea?
Is it worth fighting for?
Is it attainable?
Is it all worth it?
Isn't death what awaits us in the end?
Is it all in vain?
Are we like ants
Tortured by a preschoolers
Under a magnifying glass
On a sunny day?
Experiments?
Sure sounds like it, don't it?

I'm Like, Yeah! Whatevz!

Pretty much sums up my state of mind.... :D

And I hate say Ke$ha's new album is off the chain.......

*dances*

I don't wanna go to sleep

I wanna stay up all night

I wanna just screw around

I don't wanna think about

What's gonna be after this

I wanna just live right now

Stuck in the Groove

This song has been on my mind for the longest time.....

Enjoy!!

Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Conditioning or Reality?

And I don't mean the thing you mix into your after you rinse out your shampoo..... I mean what we're made to think we should do.....

Am I conditioned to love?

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

October Babies

This post goes out to all those amazing October babies out there and you guessed it, I'm one too.

I never really get what the big deal is with new years and all those resolutions people set when they really should be setting them on their birthdays. It makes sense that way because it's literally the start of a new year in your existence. This year I've pretty much been all over the place thinking about growing up and what exactly I should do about it.

Should I act older?
Should I act my age?
Should I act younger cz I can get away with it?????

Anyway, I figured all I can do is just live by the day and do what is required of me in different situations. Basically maturity is knowing how to act, matching your situation with the relevant trait.

My resolutions.....

*drum rolls please*

1.Go to all the events I want to
2.Study during the day even if my schedule is tighter than most headlocks in most wrestling shows
3.Find my purpose
4.Be a nag - If I really want something I should fight for it
5.Get better at driving
6.Get a camera
7.Leave the country at least once
8.Don't date

......................................

The list goes on and on and on but generally, I need to be a better person this year...

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm