A tribute to Professor Maathai

She was one of the few women in politics with balls the size of elephant heads, Martha Karua included, who I have always admired both as a environmental activist as well as a political one. She was one of the few people I related to in her struggle in trying to make human understand that the earth has a say too going as far as striping bare in an attempt to protect it.She shall forever be part of myself and many others.

I still remember a story I heard her say one day about a forest fire and a little hummingbird. The bird came across the fire and tried extinguishing it by bringing a few drops of water to it. I will be a hummingbird and do the best I can to help our planet.


R.I.P, Professor Wangari Maathai

just when i thought i had changed turns out i didn't

I thought I was growing and learning to be one of all of y'all, people who reside in the bubble..... But I can't...... I'm sorry , that shit be fake.....
Fashion?? Really??? Because when we wear clothes that are 'in fashion' we'll be transported into the world of the wanted and needed????????????? FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!! Develop a cure for stupid then maybe I'll give you the time of day........... *breathes*
I'm sorry, I'm tied of conforming.. It's a lot of hard work and costs a lot of money... A closet half filled with clothes I will never wear and hours wasted away trying to fit into a society that is as fake as Pam De Beaufort in True Blood Season 4 when the witch casts a rotting spell on her and she needed four shots four times a day of some drug to keep her face from falling off.. I CAN"T!!!! I can't fit in and I can't be someone I'm not just to have a false sense of community....... *empties closet of clothes never to be worn*............. Now that that's done with I can move on to the matter at hand, CHANGE!!!
I've talked about change before but really never did do anything about it........ but I didn't know how to react so It's allowed.... But it's true a couple things have changed since then as well and I'll be covering the top ten changes in my life over the past year before my birthday...


1. I fell in 'nudge'
Let me explain........ Well, it's not really like but not really love as well... it's like limbo.. feeling portions of both emotions at once .... 
This is the first time I've liked someone who I didn't have to change jack for, be it my disposition or even my morals. They take 'loving you for who you are' to a whole new level... My insecurities and transgressions have been laid bare and they liked me even more??? Seems like the perfect person, aye?? WRONG!!! And thank the universe for that, but what I can say is that they're 'perfectly imperfect" and that's fine with me because I nudge them imperfections and all-haven't seen those though but i'm keeping my eyes open-........ 
But most importantly they make me smile=happy=not sulky and that was top on my list... If experience has taught me anything it is that I shouldn't confuse a relationship with seimis twin status. 'NEEDY MUCH???' would suffice in this case..... I finally have someone I want to be with and I'm planning on how to keep them... Now that's change right there.... *they're calling* :D Motivation indeed... *inside joke*

2. I can't stand bitchy any more...
It just hit me that I can't digest the whole bitchy vibe... I think my system just got tired of all that negative energy coursing through my skin like radiation causing little cankerous cells that'll end up killing all the light in my aura making me a spiralling vortex of darkness whose sole purpose is to constantly dish out negative energy only leading in the cycle repeating itself....  Need I say more... *puts patients in quarantine till bitchiness is eradicated* In other words my threshold just broke so jipange........... :P

3. I'm making an effort to be more open and honest to the people in my life
I've always said my upbringing played a big part in my tendency to lie pathologically and seem a tad closed off.. I guess I understand how it can be misconstrued as being mistrustful... Took a while to open up and my inability to know what i feel at any given moment wasn't helping but I think after i realised people need to know what I feel it got easier......... My perceptions had to change from viewing it as 'keeping it all to myself' to 'withholding my opinions and feelings from others'... All of a sudden that old quote' 'No man's an island' doesn't seem as stupid as it did....

#to be continued...... I can't be arsed to go on... *sleeps*

my bubble burst.. hope yours does too

I'm under this assumption that people in Nairobi live in a modern bubble, deluding themselves with commercialism and the idea of being ultramodern. I feel so estranged when I meet my extended family to the point that I want to slap my mother and grandparents for depriving me with the right to know my own tribes language in the sake of being modern. The idea just annoys me. Since when was it logical to give up culture and tradition *when i say tradition i mainly mean language and family history* for western ways. I mean come on!!!! They're the west, there's the east and we are smack dab in the middle, the cultured ones. The ones who came from nothing to something in under 200 years. well, i think we came from something to nothing. Sometimes I wonder if we even are on the right track........
I mean the industrial revolution may have very well costed us our planet....... I've been reading on Buddhism and it makes a lot of sense... I think some way along there line we lost touch with what it means to be human.... Ask anyone now what it really means to live a good life and compare it with what our ancestors strived for.... See what i mean?? For a person living in the modern bubble mundane things like internet, alcohol, fashion and commercialism are actually moving up to the needs list.... As in come on???? Starving yourself to buy an item of clothing the size of my left butt cheek??? Really???? because it'll increase your quality of life??? BULLOCKS!!!!! I wouldn't be as pissed if we were more eastern.... I actually understand why China has all these restrictions on western culture and influence... The allure of freedom..... Yes, I said allure...
What is freedom anyway?? The ability to all you want when you want? Like a rape a poor defenceless woman and not have to worry about paying for your crimes?? No.... Then what is it? The entitlement of certain rights that are awarded through moral and ethical scrutiny???? Sounds good, don't it?? Well, I agree it does on paper but in reality morality and ethics have been torn to shreds by corruption, the modern social disease... I mean how do people who can't even move a car let alone drive it end up with driving licences in this country leading to the numerous accidents we've seen on tv..... So, i failed my first driving lesson... BOOHOO!!! I can always retake it, no biggie but the fact that I got canned while complete morons who don't know the difference between the ass and theri noses got theirs... Where's the limit I say??? That was the limit.... My bubble burst and I hit the ground hard. All these years I thought that hard work and honesty, things that make you a 'good person' morally and ethically, would get me ahead....... HA!!! Guess that's what happens when you have an old soul, thinking that old rules apply to new times... Things have changed alright.... What happened to us? When did it stop being about us, the human race and become about me, the selfish bastard that can leave garbage strewn across the planet at it's demise, for the world is my toilet eternally glued to my arse..... UTTER RUBBISH!!!
Human beings are a virus.......Rid the world of humans and nature will florish, fill it with humans and all you get is endless shit piles of junk we don't need but want and that will inevitably will us out of existence..... *breathes* See why I almost turned Buddhist... I mean with academic inflation and recessions what else will we be left with unemployed learned oafs who sit on their bums all day wishing they were dead.. I'd rather be finding narvana and exploring my spirituality, blocking all this pollution from my system in the process.......................
I mean really with all these things racing through my head how am I supposed to fit in?? Never did and never really will.... "Don't think about all that stuff, Dreamer, think about your life.. education.. marriage....all those bills you are going to pay...how you could end up losing your job because you don't agree morally with they're values... FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!!" .... *leaves home and joins a monastery... or at least plans to*

stuck in a rut like a really broke brat

I feel like what took place yesterday has offset my thinking. You know how you're not supposed to swim when you've just eaten - accept the premise no matter how flawed - well i shouldn't sort out matters of the heart when I'm clouded with emotions..... My best friend practically feel off the face of the planet after we had a little spat yesterday. I can take raging texts, unfriending on social networks, bad mouthing to other friends about how I'm such an innate blob or even physical confrontation but silence, that's the straw that broke the camels' back.. I have no idea what i did or what exactly i didn't do... I'm stuck, unable to move like a painting hung upon a wall. I'd wanted to go on about how wonderful the person i met was and pretty much try to talk myself out of dating them because i feel like i don't deserve them but sometimes it's not just about the persona..

first song that came to mind was coldplay's x&y.... my weak hand's my right one... all this typing is murder....

Trying hard to speak and fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction, so part of the plan
When something is broken and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, you can
I, dive in at the deep end, he become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, I can
You and me are floating on a tidal wave


sounds wey better sung.... *rethinks song choice*

in love with the idea of love ... understatement of the century

where to start? I just got off a video chat with them....... and I'm scared shitless that I might like them......

I know what you're thinking? He spends all his time looking for the perfect person, settles, takes up his old standards, finds someone, realises they're taken, finds someone else, rushes in too fast, spooks them, runs home with his tail between his legs and when he finds someone who remotely fits his prerequisites, he wants to bail....
well, what else can I do? I'm afraid of love...... It looks all nice and perdy- that's how i pronounce the word 'pretty', deal with it-from the outside but inside its lovely exterior is a lot of hard work, communication and effort.........

why isn't love easy? ...........

why isn't love one of those things that is never that serious?......

1. Because it's always about who has the upper hand, who's in control....
no one wants to be at the mercy of their partner. no one wants to be pushed around and told what to do and have no choice but do it because they're in love.
Either that, or I've been in the worst relationships in history....

2. Because it hurts when it ends.....
or when it needs to end. the thoughts always there, 'i know it won't last forever so why bother?' 'i don't think being with them is the best thing for the both of us.....' then it starts.. the heartache, the yearning..... the feeling that your heart has literally swollen and aches for their love.... you're just left there, in pain, a love junkie.......... in withdrawal
Well, you could say, "Live in the present, Dreamer, there's no hope in thinking of tomorrow." but who am I kidding?? For someone who relishes the idea of living in the moment, I tend to plan a lot.... I just like knowing where things are going.

3. Because I never know if I really want to be in it half the time...
Is that how it's supposed to be? Is that fair? Being in a relationship half heartedly? Constantly waiting for something better? Is that fair to them?......
How do you know when they're the one or do you just wait it out as see where your chips may fall?.... Better luck next time if it doesn't work out? ...
Is love just one big gamble or am I just clueless???

4. Because you never know when your in love till you start to give a fuck..
Masala-hold the fries- knows this too well...... Love is one mean son of a gun, it'll find you anywhere you are, go against your better judgement and make you pay for inviting the idea into your head... And trust me, it's the happiest feeling, being in love, it's like someone chained your heart and now has sole possession over it. Whoever said love is freeing must have been high on mushrooms...

Come to think of it, am I too young to even think about love? Should I be out there enjoying the world in my youth trying to find balance and meaning in the world and block all this out?? ............

Maybe love isn't what I think it is.. Where's a manual when you need one.....
*goes to bed questioning his idea of love and relationships *

I write....

I write to organise my thoughts. 
My brain's a mess half the time and but it down on paper helps me see more clearly.

I write to ease my suffering.
My heart's full of emotions and my only instinct is to write.
'Put it all down, it'll ease your pain'
'Put it all down, it'll soon be over'
Put it all down, it'll all be well'

I write to remember
More often than not, my heart gets me into situations I've been in before so it's always good to have something to look back at for ideas.

I write to think
I know what you're thinking, 'doesn't he use his brain for that?' .. well, lets just say when I write  my thoughts flow out more easily

I write to inform
I write to show you my experiences so you can learn from them. Sharing my failures and triumphs so your journey down the road less travelled isn't as dicey as mine is and was.

I  write because I'm free...
Freedom is relative, I'll talk about that later when I've gathered more ammunition to blow your mind away... too much... *LQTM*

I write because it's the only thing I have control over
Beats trying to take over the world.

my search for perfection..

I was just about done with blogger for the month, I had to face the fact that I didn't have any inspiration whatsoever during the month of August and that there was no way in all that is good in the world that it'd hit me right now when I really want to be in bed but alas! t'is the path the universe doth chosen for me... gosh! i sound like a raving lunatic.... so I better get this off my chest fast so I can be in bed by 1am... what? I love my sleep............ *attempts to save the situation by starting another paragraph*

My search for love could very well have been flawed from the beginning, yes, I'm admitting that I may actually have been wrong, okay! not entirely but wrong nonetheless.... I'll use the same principle we use in school, bad foundation = unstable building = inevitable collapse .. In my case, the building's collapsed a couple dozen times without even one thought put into the foundation.... an initial thought... that maybe, just maybe I'll find the perfect person........ 

I have to admit that is flawed reasoning right there, took me a while too. The constant badgering from my father to lower my standards and my mother's relentless efforts at finding the reason behind my 'situation'. I thought most parents would be happy to see their son focusing on the far more important issues that chasing tail round the town, I thought wrong........ or maybe it was the fact that i described myself as 'asexual' to get them off my back that's gotten them worried.... I honestly can't be arsed.. anyway, it all made sense a couple of minutes ago.

I'm not perfect so why should any other person be any different, right? I can't be on time for most appointments to save my life and I am probably the worst dancer on the face of the planet... *tries the electric slide to prove the point* so what? It only makes me human....... 

So why do I find it difficult to accept other people's faults? .. it's simple... I can accept them, it's just that my idea of 'perfection' isn't along the line of flawlessness - gosh! i think i made that up.. *adds entry to personal dictionary next to 'thingum'*- but shares the same light as compatibility.... 

I could very well be looking for a version of myself to date... came pretty close to that the other day but as luck would have it, they were taken..... the good ones always are.... I felt like a dunce, throwing myself at them like they were my purpose for living... almost like being without them was unfathomable..... love can be a total douche, when it want to... or is it infatuation, I get confused... *stares blankly into space* .... After the whole ordeal, i wound up back at square one, the foundation..... I was all for change, ready to break down the barrier I lifted up to keep me in check, ready to pounce on any one who passed through my obstacle course that was intellectual grading, spiritual self knowledge and basic conversational skills. Could I be happy with anyone? I think my dad would agree with that, don't think he's right though because the moment that wall came down, all hell broke loose.. I ended up causing more harm than good with the leading people on and literally ignoring passes directed at myself after it was clear it wasn't going anywhere... It's safe to say the walls back up and I'd rather die  single that be in an unhappy sham and a mockery of a relationship..

I got the hint, nobody's perfect..... so I'm just keeping an eye out for the flawed love of my life, wonder how many they'll be?? ... brings me to another point, 'true love'...... need to research on that one...... *gags at the thought of cupid in action* ......... 

while I was away.....

...... I had no inspiration.. and guess what? still drawing a blank
*watch this space*