6/04/08 - Second Entry with the words "fall out" on the top right corner

"As I seat here and gaze into the great unknown

I cannot help but feel all my pain and anguish

rush into every morsel of my being

A pain that awakes  every memory of anguish in my soul

and drives me up the wall 

to the point of eruption"

"As I search for the one true answer, I can't help but think of the light at the end of the tunnel being a dimming flame of a candle in a dead man's cabin. 

I search for this answer that lies within my soul, heart and mind only to find more pain and anguish.

Can I be more than just me, more than just me. 

More than just a person, more than just a wandering heart among the thousands of others.

I wonder, can what I feel be real or just a mistake in my creation?

Can it be that my feelings are right and the rest of the world is wrong?

Can it be that I am among others?

Can it be that what I feel is wrong?

Can it be that all the steps I take to get closer only cause me more grief not only to myself but others around me?

Can it be all that glitters is not gold and I am one prime example?

So now I seat and think if all this is worth it or if what the world thinks is right and I should be punished for doing as I like."

26/02/08 - My First Entry

How frightening to know that the world is black and white and I am the only unique colour around. 

A blood shot grey, I believe I am but this I do not choose.

To the eyes of the world I am indeed an outcast that was cast out by birth.

Through out my life, no colour I see apart from my blood stained grey.

My life I live so steadily to find my heart is torn between what I know and feel and what I should know and feel.

Can anyone relate to me , this I don't know but the fact remains that I shall for now be a bloodshot grey, unseen by the black and white world around.

A pigment only evil can represent but whose choice was not mine.

Can't anyone see beyond my blemish and see a person within that should live to amaze and live to live a life of happiness?

Many are the days that my words kept me company and were my only comfort for the world sees as this but not as a being, a being with much to offer than misery and shame.

But all I wish is for the world to see me as me, as a whole and not a part that I alone, hate.

Reflections: A Chapter of my Life

August....

One of those months I really haven't felt the need to write, I think mostly because I've been doing more living that reflecting..... 

It's been met with open arms, the smell of change, the innocence in the morning air, all of it, I've embraced.... It's changed my surrounding, rearranged my room, sorted my old clutter- I'm a bit of a hoarder- and found a few things I'd thought were long gone... 

The next few posts will be a glimpse of the past, through the looking glass into the thoughts of my younger, more confused self enveloped in my dust covered  journal...

Enjoy.

Loving Thyself

So I had the most amazing weekend which culminated with a few drinks at my friend’s place where I met Dino. We hit it off right of the bat, the conversation was electric and it had been a while since I had one where I didn’t have to tread lightly so as to not intimidate the person I’m with so I lay it all out there, my love for the Beatles, my view on religion as a whole and a whole lot of other crap I don’t remember because honestly I was three bottles of beer past tipsy. Anyway, we had fun up until when I realised they were old enough to be my parent and that they chain smoked……….

Imagine You and Me

Funny how most of my inspiration comes from films and books I happen to come across say the film, “Imagine You and Me” that this post is rightly named after. I watched it about week ago, been planning to write about it from the second the credits started rolling down the screen. It was basically about a woman called Rachel, who happens to meet the love of her life at her wedding and knew from the moment her eyes met with a lovely florist named Luc as her father walked her down the aisle. But being the irrationally rational beings that we are, she opted to ignore it and go through with her wedding. I mean she was getting married to her best friend and their love was well groomed and offered the security she had always wanted so why would she throw all that away for a lingering glare and a spark?????????

I’ll come back to it when I’m done….

So she gets married and befriends Luc after she helped fish out her oversized wedding ring from the punch bowl at the reception, I mean the ease at which they talked and the sparks between the would have started the big bang all over again, right there in that tent. One thing led to another and they kissed, which sent Rachel into a state of confusion leading into the conclusion that she should stay with her husband because it’s the right thing to do.

Right thing to do?

Right thing to do?

Staying married to a man you don’t love is the right thing to do???????? This one is definitely on my ranting list.

Her husband, Hector, finds out, I think his best friend told him or something, my memory fails me at this point, and he goes on about how he can’t let her stay with him if she doesn’t love him back because that wouldn’t be right and he wants to be with someone who loves him and she needs to be with someone she loves too. He gets emotional at this point and leaves her after which she goes on to look for Luc, who was on her way to a start her life somewhere else but they find each other in a traffic jam and live happily ever after or what not anyway, they end up together and the film ends there. At this point, my eyes were filled with tears, I was having an emotional week so stop judging and sat down to reflect and it went something like this………..

Note: I’m an only child so I talk to myself in the third person, many imaginary friends were created in my childhood.

“This shit only happens in the movies but fine, they made a few points. I mean sure, I should listen to my gut because the shit I get myself into always has a way of blowing up in my face. Dreamer, how many times are you going to tell yourself that you’ll see how things go or how things are different this time or how you should be more open or the worst of them all, how this could be your chance at happiness when clearly shit ain’t right??????? ………………………………………………………….. 

Many… 

Yes, many times so STOP SETTLING…. If it’s right, it’s right. If it’s wrong, it’s muy wrong……… 

Fine… 

Good……..

I’m not done though. You should slow down on this whole finding love thing, I mean you’re not even twenty yet so why are you getting all mid-life crisisy when you haven’t even figured what you want yet. Look at guys your age, they’re just having fun and enjoying their youth when you’re there fast-forwarding into the future. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! How many times have you agreed to date someone when you knew for sure it wasn’t going to work out and have to go through the trials of trying to figure out how to break up with them??????? …………………………….. 

Many……. 

Exactly, just say no when you’re sure because you and I both know there’s no way you’re going to sprout love out of nowhere if it wasn’t there to begin with…. Fine…….. So no compromising when it comes to your hurt, I mean sure when you like them and things are going well you’ll have to do it to ease friction in other areas but not when it comes to your feelings…. Just be honest to them and yourself, okay??? …………………. Sure, it makes sense….”

After that I made a pact with myself and vowed to do right by me and keep my word…………. Didn’t last long, my next post pretty much sums up that colossal failure that is my inability to make rational decisions…………..