If i had a shrink...

I've been rather depressed the past couple of days, okay, i shouldn't say a couple, that sounds like a week or two, it's been for the past three days. When i say depressed, i don't mean that "you'll get back up" sort of way but more of a "oh shit! the foundation's cracked" morbidly exaggerate sort of way. On sites, when the foundation cracks everything stops because without the foundation, the house can't be built. Well, there's usually one of two ways to go ahead, remove the damn thing, redesign it and start over or quit.
I feel depressed and i'm stuck at the fork on the road. Yes, the one that lets me choose between finding out why I'm all mopy or giving up because i can't be arsed to care about my future and try to live..
How do I know I'm depressed? Well, if the constantly teary eyes and the slight bipolar disposition haven't caught your eye then u're blind. It always boils down to whether I can hold a smile and look like I mean it for at least ten seconds. I've been through this a lot as you may have probably deduced. I just always feel.. I always feel... I always feel but i never know.. That's the reason I'm like this. Yes, you're beginning to find out that I need to know things. I never know things. I don't mean general things like the cheapest modest eatery around, I mean things about myself. I'm never sure when I make decisions or whether i'm making a decision or if there's a decision to be made at all. I'm exhausted because I don't know if i'm living life like i should. I don't have a guide book and any experiences shared don't even remotely resemble my problems if I even have problems.
Is this all life is about, floating helplessly in a sea of nothingness for our entire lives hoping for a flicker of hope that really isn't going to show up? *waits for a response*

after all the dust has settled

How has life been the past couple of weeks?

One word,

Simple.

A bit too simple.

It's had it's ups and downs.

Ins and outs.

I'll explain that in a minute.

And generally I've felt less of myself that I did when I was in a relationship.

I find it harder to smile.

I still laugh

Oddly more than I did before.

Could it mean I'm happier

Lighter

Easily taken away by hysteria

Masking my emotions

Am I masking my emotions?

I am..

Relationships suck when they end.
You work so hard to be with someone,
Working towards the same goal,
Then in one second it's gone,
The plans,
The dreams,
All gone......
For the best usually,
It was for the best....
Sometimes not towards the goal you were hoping for,
Side lined.
Confused.
Distraught.
Lost.
That's when you have to abandon ship I guess...
When you loose yourself...
So the dust has settled...
I'm at peace I guess...
Better off, they say...

I feel like crap really...
Used and discarded.
Not really used, more like salvaged from the mangling jaws of junk yard,
Guess it's time to dust myself off and move on.
Easier said than done really...
But needed all the less..
Here goes nothing...

*takes first step*

through all thing, fear remains my constant .....

I feel like every waking moment of everyday my purpose of being, my reason for existing is to wait for something bad to happen..
I'm paralysed by fear..
Not just fear but the fear of the unknown...
I can't let go.....
I can't just let go..

I self-analyse myself.. a lot... sorta why why I still think me and the vixan are meant to be each other.. We calm each others crazy.. :)

Anyway, my point? My point is i try to live my life as spontaniously as possible because i'm afraid that at any moment things won't be as great as they are right now..
Not because I see life as a precious gift that should be cherished but because I want to enjoy it while i still want to....


I don't want to regret not enjoying my life when i had the chance to.. and from all that maybe death won't be hard to bear..

I'm afraid of death....
Not not existing but how i'll stop existing...
And not just how but if i'll be happy...
If i'll have met the right person... if i had tried hard enough..
If i had fried fish when i craved it..


I don't want to live with regrets.. Or worse go to grave with them....


Guess that my purpose in life,
to have no regrets....

What Next?

I think I have very high standards, a little too high sometimes to the point I think it's just walls I'm building. Every time I think I've met the person for me I end up doing something to sabotage it, willingly or unwillingly. I console myself by saying "maybe it wasn't made to be.. maybe I haven't met the right people.."

Where are they then??

I met someone the other day and we hit it off. Couldn't stop starring into those gorgeous eyes of theirs.. Gosh! If could drown, my lungs would be full water by now.. Anyway, we had a blast. We just sat down at some restaurant in town and sipped on some hot water with honey and some lemon wedges as we got to know each other.. They're doing a B.A course in some private university in Limuru and are rather interesting to chat with. We laughed a little, okay, a lot, and enjoyed each others company while it lasted.. I walked them down to their bus stop, bid them fair well and met up with a few of my friends.. I couldn't stop thinking about them all night but things changed, okay my perception changed..

When I go out with someone, I think of it as a long term deal if not, what am I doing it for? Basically they went through my 'soul mate' criteria and didn't quite make it to the end.. Who am I kidding, they where down and out within a few seconds..

See what I mean by having high standards??

This isn't the first time I thought I'd met the one and ended up stepping back and letting the distance kinda nudge them in the right direction which is usually away from me. It doesn't work quite well sometimes but it's better than looking someone in the face and going, "Honey, it's not, it's me.. I just don't know what I want right now.. I have to let you go" .. Didn't work quite well the last time I used it.

Before all this happens my mind goes round in circles..

Are they the one?

Are perfect for me?

Will I lose interest(almost always do)?

Can I date them?

No, they're too fat...

No, they're too butch.. LOL

No, they're too girly...

No, they're too reserved...

No, they just ain't my type... (what's my type anyway?? o_O)

No, they're too old... (I should keep that one... just saying.. )

No, they remind me too much of my ex... (this one too... there's a reason it didn't work out.. )

No, they live too far.... (so much for love having no boundaries... convenience holds power overall...)

Wait ! Maybe I'm too picky or just plain vain........................

*pauses and thinks*

Reminds me of the phone conversation I had with my da just last week, went something like this..

"Hey you"

"Hi Dad?"

"So, when am I seeing your girlfriend?"

"Ehm! I haven't found one yet"

"Maybe you should lower your standards a bit"

"Really Dad?!"

"I could get you one?"

"Good luck with that"

***********

Makes me wonder if something not wired straight somewhere in here..

I've always felt like I'm the only one blindly manoeuvring through life when everyone else has got a map and a flash light.. I mean really, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and no one else feels this way... Even basic instincts feel wrong....

Or am I over-thinking it?

Don't think so..........................

I can't even have a functional relationship with another human being....................

So, the basic fabric of my existence is flawed and my social skills down right impaired..

What Next?

so i took a break... guess i'm still on it..

It's been more than a month since i last posted anything and in that time,

I've forgiven the ones who have hurt me,

tried to rekindle two old flames (really bad idea that one),

gotten stupid drunk and,

randomly found myself in a romantic 60's scene where the two partners fall asleep in each others hands in the back of a car.

Yes, I've had quite a month but i found myself reflecting on past experiences.. I guess you can't figure out where you are headed without remembering where you came from...

I think i'm over the lies... I remember there was time the mention of their name in any setting would have literally given me the shivers. I tend to internalize my feelings a lot so a shiver basically means i was at the brink of explosion. I tried finding closure after the event but that would have basically involved meeting them tété a tété and i honestly didn't want to be in the same room with them, period. I did what i knew best, I let time heal my wounds. Broke all ties, rebuild and learn't to live again, this time on my own. Arranged to meet with them this week so that I could clear the air and I'm sort of hoping i don't end up making things worse... hope it all goes well...

My exes? Yes, I tried and failed.. It would have worked out well if i could just erase their dumb memories.. I know, they are both perfect in their own rites but they hold too much against me..

Fine, I broke your heart..

Okay, I may have been a bitch then..

Well, anyone in my situation would have reacted the same way..

Sorry, I may have led you on a bit but I really like you..

Maybe I didn't really love you but it was close..

Can we start over?

Well, only utter that last statement if you are really sure you have changes.. Apparently I haven't changed nearly enough in both their eyes.. One's looking for a relationship where we'd basically be attached by the hip (needy much?) and the other just wants to be sure of my love.. I get it.. I'm not like the others and you are afraid I'll hurt you so leave me alone.. I don't want you to leave but the mixed signals are confusing.. One time you're okay with everything, the next you're not sure what you got yourself into.. You should take some time and figure it all out.. And that smoking habit won't be pretty in a few years when your teeth start to yellow.. I'm just saying...

I vowed to enjoy my youth by attending more parties and hanging out much and on one such occasion I agreed to get hooked up with this person who's hasn't been around much and it was like talking to myself, when I'm all gated and uncomfortable so the conversation wasn't that awesome. But then we got buzzed and we couldn't stop talking. Fine, the topic wasn't what one would call interesting (renewable energy and new age technologies), not much was talked about in terms of family relations and general likes but it was a breakthrough.. After a few too many, we danced (there was grinding), drank some more, danced again and finally ended up in the back of their car cuddling.. It was really cold outside so the shared warmth was just what we both needed.. In all that seemed like a second it was morning and things between us were awkward once again, figures! They're relatively older than the people i usually date so I may have adjust my needs if this takes off but I haven't gotten called back even after two texts.. Guess that ship has sailed.. I hope not..

This all got me thinking about the film, 'no strings attached' and how at this point of my life i should be after the most convenient situation for myself.. It should never be that complicated..

Typical.. :)