stuck in a rut like a really broke brat

I feel like what took place yesterday has offset my thinking. You know how you're not supposed to swim when you've just eaten - accept the premise no matter how flawed - well i shouldn't sort out matters of the heart when I'm clouded with emotions..... My best friend practically feel off the face of the planet after we had a little spat yesterday. I can take raging texts, unfriending on social networks, bad mouthing to other friends about how I'm such an innate blob or even physical confrontation but silence, that's the straw that broke the camels' back.. I have no idea what i did or what exactly i didn't do... I'm stuck, unable to move like a painting hung upon a wall. I'd wanted to go on about how wonderful the person i met was and pretty much try to talk myself out of dating them because i feel like i don't deserve them but sometimes it's not just about the persona..

first song that came to mind was coldplay's x&y.... my weak hand's my right one... all this typing is murder....

Trying hard to speak and fighting with my weak hand
Driven to distraction, so part of the plan
When something is broken and you try to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, you can
I, dive in at the deep end, he become my best friend
I wanna love you but I don't know if I can
I know something is broken and I'm trying to fix it
Trying to repair it, any way, I can
You and me are floating on a tidal wave


sounds wey better sung.... *rethinks song choice*

in love with the idea of love ... understatement of the century

where to start? I just got off a video chat with them....... and I'm scared shitless that I might like them......

I know what you're thinking? He spends all his time looking for the perfect person, settles, takes up his old standards, finds someone, realises they're taken, finds someone else, rushes in too fast, spooks them, runs home with his tail between his legs and when he finds someone who remotely fits his prerequisites, he wants to bail....
well, what else can I do? I'm afraid of love...... It looks all nice and perdy- that's how i pronounce the word 'pretty', deal with it-from the outside but inside its lovely exterior is a lot of hard work, communication and effort.........

why isn't love easy? ...........

why isn't love one of those things that is never that serious?......

1. Because it's always about who has the upper hand, who's in control....
no one wants to be at the mercy of their partner. no one wants to be pushed around and told what to do and have no choice but do it because they're in love.
Either that, or I've been in the worst relationships in history....

2. Because it hurts when it ends.....
or when it needs to end. the thoughts always there, 'i know it won't last forever so why bother?' 'i don't think being with them is the best thing for the both of us.....' then it starts.. the heartache, the yearning..... the feeling that your heart has literally swollen and aches for their love.... you're just left there, in pain, a love junkie.......... in withdrawal
Well, you could say, "Live in the present, Dreamer, there's no hope in thinking of tomorrow." but who am I kidding?? For someone who relishes the idea of living in the moment, I tend to plan a lot.... I just like knowing where things are going.

3. Because I never know if I really want to be in it half the time...
Is that how it's supposed to be? Is that fair? Being in a relationship half heartedly? Constantly waiting for something better? Is that fair to them?......
How do you know when they're the one or do you just wait it out as see where your chips may fall?.... Better luck next time if it doesn't work out? ...
Is love just one big gamble or am I just clueless???

4. Because you never know when your in love till you start to give a fuck..
Masala-hold the fries- knows this too well...... Love is one mean son of a gun, it'll find you anywhere you are, go against your better judgement and make you pay for inviting the idea into your head... And trust me, it's the happiest feeling, being in love, it's like someone chained your heart and now has sole possession over it. Whoever said love is freeing must have been high on mushrooms...

Come to think of it, am I too young to even think about love? Should I be out there enjoying the world in my youth trying to find balance and meaning in the world and block all this out?? ............

Maybe love isn't what I think it is.. Where's a manual when you need one.....
*goes to bed questioning his idea of love and relationships *

I write....

I write to organise my thoughts. 
My brain's a mess half the time and but it down on paper helps me see more clearly.

I write to ease my suffering.
My heart's full of emotions and my only instinct is to write.
'Put it all down, it'll ease your pain'
'Put it all down, it'll soon be over'
Put it all down, it'll all be well'

I write to remember
More often than not, my heart gets me into situations I've been in before so it's always good to have something to look back at for ideas.

I write to think
I know what you're thinking, 'doesn't he use his brain for that?' .. well, lets just say when I write  my thoughts flow out more easily

I write to inform
I write to show you my experiences so you can learn from them. Sharing my failures and triumphs so your journey down the road less travelled isn't as dicey as mine is and was.

I  write because I'm free...
Freedom is relative, I'll talk about that later when I've gathered more ammunition to blow your mind away... too much... *LQTM*

I write because it's the only thing I have control over
Beats trying to take over the world.

my search for perfection..

I was just about done with blogger for the month, I had to face the fact that I didn't have any inspiration whatsoever during the month of August and that there was no way in all that is good in the world that it'd hit me right now when I really want to be in bed but alas! t'is the path the universe doth chosen for me... gosh! i sound like a raving lunatic.... so I better get this off my chest fast so I can be in bed by 1am... what? I love my sleep............ *attempts to save the situation by starting another paragraph*

My search for love could very well have been flawed from the beginning, yes, I'm admitting that I may actually have been wrong, okay! not entirely but wrong nonetheless.... I'll use the same principle we use in school, bad foundation = unstable building = inevitable collapse .. In my case, the building's collapsed a couple dozen times without even one thought put into the foundation.... an initial thought... that maybe, just maybe I'll find the perfect person........ 

I have to admit that is flawed reasoning right there, took me a while too. The constant badgering from my father to lower my standards and my mother's relentless efforts at finding the reason behind my 'situation'. I thought most parents would be happy to see their son focusing on the far more important issues that chasing tail round the town, I thought wrong........ or maybe it was the fact that i described myself as 'asexual' to get them off my back that's gotten them worried.... I honestly can't be arsed.. anyway, it all made sense a couple of minutes ago.

I'm not perfect so why should any other person be any different, right? I can't be on time for most appointments to save my life and I am probably the worst dancer on the face of the planet... *tries the electric slide to prove the point* so what? It only makes me human....... 

So why do I find it difficult to accept other people's faults? .. it's simple... I can accept them, it's just that my idea of 'perfection' isn't along the line of flawlessness - gosh! i think i made that up.. *adds entry to personal dictionary next to 'thingum'*- but shares the same light as compatibility.... 

I could very well be looking for a version of myself to date... came pretty close to that the other day but as luck would have it, they were taken..... the good ones always are.... I felt like a dunce, throwing myself at them like they were my purpose for living... almost like being without them was unfathomable..... love can be a total douche, when it want to... or is it infatuation, I get confused... *stares blankly into space* .... After the whole ordeal, i wound up back at square one, the foundation..... I was all for change, ready to break down the barrier I lifted up to keep me in check, ready to pounce on any one who passed through my obstacle course that was intellectual grading, spiritual self knowledge and basic conversational skills. Could I be happy with anyone? I think my dad would agree with that, don't think he's right though because the moment that wall came down, all hell broke loose.. I ended up causing more harm than good with the leading people on and literally ignoring passes directed at myself after it was clear it wasn't going anywhere... It's safe to say the walls back up and I'd rather die  single that be in an unhappy sham and a mockery of a relationship..

I got the hint, nobody's perfect..... so I'm just keeping an eye out for the flawed love of my life, wonder how many they'll be?? ... brings me to another point, 'true love'...... need to research on that one...... *gags at the thought of cupid in action* ......... 

while I was away.....

...... I had no inspiration.. and guess what? still drawing a blank
*watch this space*