Fuck Feelings, Fuck Them All

Fuck feelings.

Fuck them all. I should be studying but all I can think about is the one that snuck in, the one I thought I loved and the one I think is the one.

The one that snuck in was charming and sweet, but bad for me. Kinda like candy. Exactly like candy, found on every street corner, amazing in your mouth and packs a punch full of regret. A couple of "I don't think this should go on" texts later and the countless deletion of your cellphone numbers, and you're all I think about. You never said I love you, you made me happy when you were around and hate myself when you weren't. You gave me all the affection you could muster but that was a drop in the ocean compared to what I deserved. I loved you, I love you, I hated you, I hate you... I want you so bad it hurts... but I don't want to feel this way... You will always be the one I could have dropped everything for but I know I never was and never will be that guy to you. I try so hard to let you go but then this song plays...

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)
Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something...

then you're all I can think about.

The one I thought I loved. I met you when I was in love with someone else (read above), I just didn't know it until I said I loved you and realised I wasn't talking to you. I saw through your flaws and peeked at the wonderful human being underneath all that hurt, but I couldn't be whole for you. I know you loved me regardless but I need to be whole to love back. I still needed mending. I withdrew, it was always about the one that snuck in. I never should have dragged you into this but I'm even more sorry for how I treated you.

The one who could be the one. Emotionally challenged and bad at general communication but I get it. I don't need constant texts asking me how my day went and I feel like whenever I'm with you, my life makes sense, like here and now is where I'm supposed to be, in your embrace. We take it slow, you're busy, I'm busy, we're getting to know each other, it's fresh, I like you, you like me, but all we can do is wait and see. You make me rethink what relationships should be like. We set goals, we achieve them. We try. I just hope it's not all in my head. It wouldn't be the first time.

You're all on my mind. I'm tired.

To the one that snuck in, I just want you to say you love me and leave it all for me but that's never going to happen. I want you to text because I lost your number on purpose but not calling makes me think you love me so call and be the douchebag I want you to be.

To the one I thought I loved. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought I loved you.

To the one I think is the one. Get to know me. Get to really know me. That's all I ask. I'll do the same.

|"Some journeys have convinced me that it is not always possible to restore one's boundaries after they have been blurred and made permeable by a relationship: try as we might, we cannot reconstitute ourselves as the autonomous beings we previously imagined ourselves to be."

Excerpt from Mohsin Hamid's 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist'

Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Conditioning or Reality?

And I don't mean the thing you mix into your after you rinse out your shampoo..... I mean what we're made to think we should do.....

Am I conditioned to love?

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

Calm Waters

I took my advice seriously
I slowed down and prioritized
It was different
The slowing down bit at least
Then it got to matters of the heart and I realised I wasn't being nice
Fine, I was being ass to Person of Interest
I was pushing them aside as I figured my shit out
It made sense then
But if they're supposed to be in my life in that capacity
Shouldn't I involve them in what's going on?
I really like them
Like A LOT!!!
And when I like someone that much I have to be able to tell you anything
I mean anything
Because
If I can't ,
WHAT AM I DOING WITH YOU?????

Loving Thyself

So I had the most amazing weekend which culminated with a few drinks at my friend’s place where I met Dino. We hit it off right of the bat, the conversation was electric and it had been a while since I had one where I didn’t have to tread lightly so as to not intimidate the person I’m with so I lay it all out there, my love for the Beatles, my view on religion as a whole and a whole lot of other crap I don’t remember because honestly I was three bottles of beer past tipsy. Anyway, we had fun up until when I realised they were old enough to be my parent and that they chain smoked……….

*looks up into the sky* "REALLY???"

Okay, February was an extremely dull month, fine, I went to really cool concerts and had maard fun out and stuff but generally when it came to my love life, it was well non-existent............. I'd love to say by choice, which in actual sense is true but I'll go right ahead and say the gods were conspiring against me because I like feeling like I let random things happen instead of the truth, which is I like being in control ... I mean, the universe kept giving me opportunities to score(I mean figuratively speaking, like a striker hitting the ball into the rectangular thing... O_o) like summer fling who was perfect for me but lives about 1000 kilometres away from here... *sighs*, person X who was really nice but who was too connected to my friends... *awkward*, person Y who I really liked but friend-zoned me, fine they're allowed to do that too (no double standards here :-P ) but I couldn't just be their friend, it was going to be agonizingly painful so I pulled the old "it's not you, it's me" card and we aren't even dating.. I know I'm a sick guy, but it was better than having them constantly reminding me of what we could be by being in their presence.. Three awesome people, stupendously unbearable situations.. REALLY??? 


I decided to just kick back and rest after all that, in any case my semester was ending and I had two weeks to reboot and laze around....... which I did....


*fast forwards to present*


I'm back in school, sorta, our lecturers are being thick headed, comes with being in public school. Two weeks into the semester and only three out of eight have shown up... sigh! We usually understand if they skive the first week but two weeks in a row, REALLY????

Figured It wasn't in my control so I'd just complain to the chairman of the faculty and see how things go. Next week better include a whole lot more learning because I cannot head into town and waste a whole day doing absolutely nothing.... That's about it when it comes to school.. I was looking forward to just focusing on books this semester then out comes the sugar coated candy from hell...... temptation reincarnated....

..... Pino Colada
..... Mon Capitano
..... Maxi Me

And I thought February was a death trap, I just walked into hell....... Same script, different cast.... Pino Colada's perfect... There's a spark, a wild one, not static, lightening and it's AMAHZING!!! buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I don't think they like me as much as I thought or our busy schedules just make things worse,,, Sigh! Mon Capitano, formerly friend-zoned..... should have kept them there... Yikees! Maxi Me, one word, "average" but in a freakishly satisfying way but there's a catch, they are in a relationship...

*SIRENS*

I know, I shouldn't even be going there............. All I'm left thinking is REALLY???

I either have no idea what I'm doing with my love life (Erk! I really should find another word for what this is) or I'm getting what I really need but don't know it yet...

Sigh! I just need a clue.... 

*looks back*

I think I got one....

*evaluates*

everything in moderation

Seated on my bed ready to type up a post and I should be studying, I need to set my priorities straight.. Wait! I sorta am, inspiration over crude methods of cramming information I say, but only for a while.. :)

"Everything in moderation"

just when i thought i had changed turns out i didn't

I thought I was growing and learning to be one of all of y'all, people who reside in the bubble..... But I can't...... I'm sorry , that shit be fake.....
Fashion?? Really??? Because when we wear clothes that are 'in fashion' we'll be transported into the world of the wanted and needed????????????? FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!! Develop a cure for stupid then maybe I'll give you the time of day........... *breathes*
I'm sorry, I'm tied of conforming.. It's a lot of hard work and costs a lot of money... A closet half filled with clothes I will never wear and hours wasted away trying to fit into a society that is as fake as Pam De Beaufort in True Blood Season 4 when the witch casts a rotting spell on her and she needed four shots four times a day of some drug to keep her face from falling off.. I CAN"T!!!! I can't fit in and I can't be someone I'm not just to have a false sense of community....... *empties closet of clothes never to be worn*............. Now that that's done with I can move on to the matter at hand, CHANGE!!!
I've talked about change before but really never did do anything about it........ but I didn't know how to react so It's allowed.... But it's true a couple things have changed since then as well and I'll be covering the top ten changes in my life over the past year before my birthday...


1. I fell in 'nudge'
Let me explain........ Well, it's not really like but not really love as well... it's like limbo.. feeling portions of both emotions at once .... 
This is the first time I've liked someone who I didn't have to change jack for, be it my disposition or even my morals. They take 'loving you for who you are' to a whole new level... My insecurities and transgressions have been laid bare and they liked me even more??? Seems like the perfect person, aye?? WRONG!!! And thank the universe for that, but what I can say is that they're 'perfectly imperfect" and that's fine with me because I nudge them imperfections and all-haven't seen those though but i'm keeping my eyes open-........ 
But most importantly they make me smile=happy=not sulky and that was top on my list... If experience has taught me anything it is that I shouldn't confuse a relationship with seimis twin status. 'NEEDY MUCH???' would suffice in this case..... I finally have someone I want to be with and I'm planning on how to keep them... Now that's change right there.... *they're calling* :D Motivation indeed... *inside joke*

2. I can't stand bitchy any more...
It just hit me that I can't digest the whole bitchy vibe... I think my system just got tired of all that negative energy coursing through my skin like radiation causing little cankerous cells that'll end up killing all the light in my aura making me a spiralling vortex of darkness whose sole purpose is to constantly dish out negative energy only leading in the cycle repeating itself....  Need I say more... *puts patients in quarantine till bitchiness is eradicated* In other words my threshold just broke so jipange........... :P

3. I'm making an effort to be more open and honest to the people in my life
I've always said my upbringing played a big part in my tendency to lie pathologically and seem a tad closed off.. I guess I understand how it can be misconstrued as being mistrustful... Took a while to open up and my inability to know what i feel at any given moment wasn't helping but I think after i realised people need to know what I feel it got easier......... My perceptions had to change from viewing it as 'keeping it all to myself' to 'withholding my opinions and feelings from others'... All of a sudden that old quote' 'No man's an island' doesn't seem as stupid as it did....

#to be continued...... I can't be arsed to go on... *sleeps*

in love with the idea of love ... understatement of the century

where to start? I just got off a video chat with them....... and I'm scared shitless that I might like them......

I know what you're thinking? He spends all his time looking for the perfect person, settles, takes up his old standards, finds someone, realises they're taken, finds someone else, rushes in too fast, spooks them, runs home with his tail between his legs and when he finds someone who remotely fits his prerequisites, he wants to bail....
well, what else can I do? I'm afraid of love...... It looks all nice and perdy- that's how i pronounce the word 'pretty', deal with it-from the outside but inside its lovely exterior is a lot of hard work, communication and effort.........

why isn't love easy? ...........

why isn't love one of those things that is never that serious?......

1. Because it's always about who has the upper hand, who's in control....
no one wants to be at the mercy of their partner. no one wants to be pushed around and told what to do and have no choice but do it because they're in love.
Either that, or I've been in the worst relationships in history....

2. Because it hurts when it ends.....
or when it needs to end. the thoughts always there, 'i know it won't last forever so why bother?' 'i don't think being with them is the best thing for the both of us.....' then it starts.. the heartache, the yearning..... the feeling that your heart has literally swollen and aches for their love.... you're just left there, in pain, a love junkie.......... in withdrawal
Well, you could say, "Live in the present, Dreamer, there's no hope in thinking of tomorrow." but who am I kidding?? For someone who relishes the idea of living in the moment, I tend to plan a lot.... I just like knowing where things are going.

3. Because I never know if I really want to be in it half the time...
Is that how it's supposed to be? Is that fair? Being in a relationship half heartedly? Constantly waiting for something better? Is that fair to them?......
How do you know when they're the one or do you just wait it out as see where your chips may fall?.... Better luck next time if it doesn't work out? ...
Is love just one big gamble or am I just clueless???

4. Because you never know when your in love till you start to give a fuck..
Masala-hold the fries- knows this too well...... Love is one mean son of a gun, it'll find you anywhere you are, go against your better judgement and make you pay for inviting the idea into your head... And trust me, it's the happiest feeling, being in love, it's like someone chained your heart and now has sole possession over it. Whoever said love is freeing must have been high on mushrooms...

Come to think of it, am I too young to even think about love? Should I be out there enjoying the world in my youth trying to find balance and meaning in the world and block all this out?? ............

Maybe love isn't what I think it is.. Where's a manual when you need one.....
*goes to bed questioning his idea of love and relationships *

after all the dust has settled

How has life been the past couple of weeks?

One word,

Simple.

A bit too simple.

It's had it's ups and downs.

Ins and outs.

I'll explain that in a minute.

And generally I've felt less of myself that I did when I was in a relationship.

I find it harder to smile.

I still laugh

Oddly more than I did before.

Could it mean I'm happier

Lighter

Easily taken away by hysteria

Masking my emotions

Am I masking my emotions?

I am..

Relationships suck when they end.
You work so hard to be with someone,
Working towards the same goal,
Then in one second it's gone,
The plans,
The dreams,
All gone......
For the best usually,
It was for the best....
Sometimes not towards the goal you were hoping for,
Side lined.
Confused.
Distraught.
Lost.
That's when you have to abandon ship I guess...
When you loose yourself...
So the dust has settled...
I'm at peace I guess...
Better off, they say...

I feel like crap really...
Used and discarded.
Not really used, more like salvaged from the mangling jaws of junk yard,
Guess it's time to dust myself off and move on.
Easier said than done really...
But needed all the less..
Here goes nothing...

*takes first step*

What Next?

I think I have very high standards, a little too high sometimes to the point I think it's just walls I'm building. Every time I think I've met the person for me I end up doing something to sabotage it, willingly or unwillingly. I console myself by saying "maybe it wasn't made to be.. maybe I haven't met the right people.."

Where are they then??

I met someone the other day and we hit it off. Couldn't stop starring into those gorgeous eyes of theirs.. Gosh! If could drown, my lungs would be full water by now.. Anyway, we had a blast. We just sat down at some restaurant in town and sipped on some hot water with honey and some lemon wedges as we got to know each other.. They're doing a B.A course in some private university in Limuru and are rather interesting to chat with. We laughed a little, okay, a lot, and enjoyed each others company while it lasted.. I walked them down to their bus stop, bid them fair well and met up with a few of my friends.. I couldn't stop thinking about them all night but things changed, okay my perception changed..

When I go out with someone, I think of it as a long term deal if not, what am I doing it for? Basically they went through my 'soul mate' criteria and didn't quite make it to the end.. Who am I kidding, they where down and out within a few seconds..

See what I mean by having high standards??

This isn't the first time I thought I'd met the one and ended up stepping back and letting the distance kinda nudge them in the right direction which is usually away from me. It doesn't work quite well sometimes but it's better than looking someone in the face and going, "Honey, it's not, it's me.. I just don't know what I want right now.. I have to let you go" .. Didn't work quite well the last time I used it.

Before all this happens my mind goes round in circles..

Are they the one?

Are perfect for me?

Will I lose interest(almost always do)?

Can I date them?

No, they're too fat...

No, they're too butch.. LOL

No, they're too girly...

No, they're too reserved...

No, they just ain't my type... (what's my type anyway?? o_O)

No, they're too old... (I should keep that one... just saying.. )

No, they remind me too much of my ex... (this one too... there's a reason it didn't work out.. )

No, they live too far.... (so much for love having no boundaries... convenience holds power overall...)

Wait ! Maybe I'm too picky or just plain vain........................

*pauses and thinks*

Reminds me of the phone conversation I had with my da just last week, went something like this..

"Hey you"

"Hi Dad?"

"So, when am I seeing your girlfriend?"

"Ehm! I haven't found one yet"

"Maybe you should lower your standards a bit"

"Really Dad?!"

"I could get you one?"

"Good luck with that"

***********

Makes me wonder if something not wired straight somewhere in here..

I've always felt like I'm the only one blindly manoeuvring through life when everyone else has got a map and a flash light.. I mean really, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and no one else feels this way... Even basic instincts feel wrong....

Or am I over-thinking it?

Don't think so..........................

I can't even have a functional relationship with another human being....................

So, the basic fabric of my existence is flawed and my social skills down right impaired..

What Next?

taking a break

In the past year, my heart's been stretched and pulled in all sorts of directions. Forcefully removed from someone else's chest to prevent them from the uneventful heartache they would have gone through in the event we did stay together, forcefully attemped at loving someone else who's heart readily falls for any living being and torn to shreds by another who would have been the one if only we didn't grow apart or tried so hard to love.
Three relationships.
Three heartaches.
Three mistakes? No!
Three opportunities to learn.
One lover missed.
One lover turned friend. No benefits.
One lover who didn't quite really get out of my chest. Still feel a bump when I hear they're off doing some random thing. Have to physically force myself not to care. 'You broke it for this exact reason. Stop it! They're their person, no need to care if they don't mean anything to you'
But it's a lie.
Just because I hide the feelings so well doesn't mean they don't exist.
I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

Maybe I need to be on my own for a while.
Someone did come around and stirred things up a little but to be quite honest, don't think they're my bucket of fish.
I should take a break.
Already found myself.
Confused us fuck.
Nothing's changed there.
But my heart does need a break.
But when it's all fixed up and ready for it
I'm sure i'll find that someone
Surely there's someone out there worth my time and effort
Someone who'd love me
And I them
Someone I wouldn't want to change or force myself to love.
But until then
My life's fine without any of that to complicate it
There's more to life than fleeting moments of passion or delusions of happiness
No matter how much better they make us feel.
But deep down inside
I'm sure I'm sure I'll find the perfect balance.

Finding balance where once there was none

Earlier I was trying to find out what a relationship is and what is needed to keep it healthy..

I figured relationships are what you make them.. I guess the only way to keep a relationship strong is to find a way to meet each others needs.. Love is sacrifice.. And with sacrifice comes reward..






It's Valentine's tomorrow, already have my gift nicely placed in my bag for use tomorrow.. Sorta feel bad that I didn't get them something as well although I don't view Valentines day as a holiday worth celebrating. Shouldn't love be celebrated every single day? Instead we've been brainwashed by corporates into spending all this money on cheap decorations and creating a false feeling of happiness as if all the problems you had before as a couple are simple erased. And for those who's luck has been nothing but present, this day reminds them of what they haven't found or lost forcing them to find anyone to be with just to prevent the feeling of inadequacy. Isn't this what Valentine's day is all about?

To show my disgust towards the commercialism of love i'll be sporting black tomorrow.. :)


Anyway, I guess I'm finally content and happy with the way things hafe turned out in every aspect of my life..

My relationship
My family
School
My social life

It feels good having things going my way for a change.. Hope it lasts..

Radio Silence

I'm taking a break from social networking. I figured i needed to when the thought of having three phones seemed valid. Yes, three. I was worried, wouldn't you? So, I sat down and went back to my roots (basically reviewed my core values)and realised I really need to go back to basics, simplicity. That's what I've been striving for but recently my judgement has been clouded by vanity and greed.
How has it been so far?
Well, I have a lot of free time, my gosh, I spent ten minutes staring at my bedroom walls trying to figure out what to do other than facebook or tweet. It wasn't hard to figure out I ought to be studying with assignments due and the end of the semester nearing. So, i grabbed a book and got reading.

Social networking isn't the only thing I'll be taking a break from. No, no one's cheated and yes, we're in love. But love isn't enough. My relationship is psychologically and physically stressing me and I quite honestly can't keep repeating the same thing over and over again (i know, it's tiring) trying to bring my point across and watch you not give a fuck. Funny thing is you could have me if you only tried.
I'm tired and if you seriously want to keep me you have to fight for me. Mabye I need this time to myself, it's been a while since I did anything just to please myself(don't go there). I've neglected myself for too long.



#Pocket full of Sunshine - Natasha Beddingfield

"Take me away, a secret place
A sweet escape, take me away
Take me away to better days
Take me away, a hiding place"

At the end of my rope

The heading clearly says it all.
What do you to when you're in love with someone who claims to love you back when they don't put you as a priority in their life or is downright selfish in the sense that they only think of themselves and what they want without any regard to your feelings and needs??
I'm in the middle of a free fall plummeting into the great unknown and you haven't left the house yet. I feel like an idiot and like I've been used in the sense that I've let you in without really knowing what you want from this relationship and whether or not it coinsides with what I want. It reached a point when I gave up trying to make myself happy and vowed to figure out what you wanted and needed and give it to you but I never did get to know what that was exactly..

I'm at the end of my rope.
You hold the fate of our relationship in your hands. I'm merely the person who wants to spend my time with you, knowing you, growing with you and enjoying every moment of it, so tell me what you want? Is it really that hard?
Tell me if you really love me or you're in love with the idea of being with me.
Tell me what you want out of this relationship or if you just want out.
Tell me if you can change so we can move on or tell me if you can't so you can break my heart now rather than later,

I'm at the end of my rope
And only you can save me and or put me out my misery.


#Breakeven-The Script

Mashujaa Day

Finally, a kenyan holiday without all that fake arse pomp n glory but one that actually means something to the people..
Mashujaa mainly means heroes in swahili so we set this day aside to pay tribute to them.. Formally Kenyatta day, the new constitution made a memorable holiday into a day that everyone can use to turn the looking glass inward and find that someone who's greatly impacted on their life..
So, who is that person?? Who is my hero?? ..
The usual suspects..
Mi mum
(She's really been my inpiration all my life)
Mahatma Gandhi
(bless his soul)
Cpt. Jack Harkness
(Someone I can finally relate to)
Woogie
(Cz you showed me what it really means to be in love)

My Mashujaa day was spent at home watching Torchwood.. lol .. thus the Cpt. Jack Harkness reference.. Didn't go to Woogie's coz school's starting to take away my soul.. :( Will get to meet W during the week so no biggie.. Anyway, my heroes really mean alot to me and basically shape my life and for that I say,
Thank you all.. =D

relationship aftermath

Dealing with exes is both tiring and a mind game. Sure you want to seem over each other when your not and look like you’ve moved on when you’re stuck in relationship limbo and they've apparently got new bait. And the sad thing this whole mess is that you weren't really in love and your attempts at looking miserable work out too well. Being exes is hard enough without the weird after friends effect. You know. When you were friends before then you become more than that then you end up as friends by default because your friends are friends and all you want to do is be friendly and all your attempts seem like feeble attempts of getting them back then you try not to seem too involved then you end up looking like the bad guy. Truth be told I am moving on and the sad thing is I don't want you to know,not because I'm being defensive or anything,It's just because you are too so by looking all sad and single you have a better chance of doing so.

I want us to be friends and all but you make it so hard with your boyish attempts at making me feel bad. I don't want to see who you've moved on with I just want us to be friends..no strings attached..no deep rooted feelings of revenge..none of that ,just pals..that's all I want..

| this ain't a love song-scouting for girls