everything in moderation

Seated on my bed ready to type up a post and I should be studying, I need to set my priorities straight.. Wait! I sorta am, inspiration over crude methods of cramming information I say, but only for a while.. :)

"Everything in moderation"

taking a break

In the past year, my heart's been stretched and pulled in all sorts of directions. Forcefully removed from someone else's chest to prevent them from the uneventful heartache they would have gone through in the event we did stay together, forcefully attemped at loving someone else who's heart readily falls for any living being and torn to shreds by another who would have been the one if only we didn't grow apart or tried so hard to love.
Three relationships.
Three heartaches.
Three mistakes? No!
Three opportunities to learn.
One lover missed.
One lover turned friend. No benefits.
One lover who didn't quite really get out of my chest. Still feel a bump when I hear they're off doing some random thing. Have to physically force myself not to care. 'You broke it for this exact reason. Stop it! They're their person, no need to care if they don't mean anything to you'
But it's a lie.
Just because I hide the feelings so well doesn't mean they don't exist.
I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

Maybe I need to be on my own for a while.
Someone did come around and stirred things up a little but to be quite honest, don't think they're my bucket of fish.
I should take a break.
Already found myself.
Confused us fuck.
Nothing's changed there.
But my heart does need a break.
But when it's all fixed up and ready for it
I'm sure i'll find that someone
Surely there's someone out there worth my time and effort
Someone who'd love me
And I them
Someone I wouldn't want to change or force myself to love.
But until then
My life's fine without any of that to complicate it
There's more to life than fleeting moments of passion or delusions of happiness
No matter how much better they make us feel.
But deep down inside
I'm sure I'm sure I'll find the perfect balance.

Wait a minute!

Let's just say everything isn't as it should be and yes, it has been like that for a while. The thing is, I'm not happy.

I know I've said that a lot and the sad fact is, no one really is. Being a grown up suck goat balls mainly because no one really tells you how alone you'll feel in the sence that people will be around you but no one will really care about what's going on in your life. And I think that's what I've been looking for in my relationship, someone who cares about me as much as I do myself and we all know that isn't going to happen. I'm better off marrying myself like those people. You know, the ones who marry inanimate objects just to fill the void. I think the humiliation of marrying something lifeless and essentially an outward reflection of yourself is far much appealing than the idea of being alone. I tell my friends all the time about my perfect soulmate but in the end they all think I'm describing myself. Maybe I should just get it over with and stop trying to make things bend to my whim.


What am I feeling?

Do I really know? I basically don't know what to do. Life isn't a jigsaw puzzle where every piece fits and everyone gets the same picture in the end. It's so bad that I don't really know what a relationship is anymore. If it's what I have now, celibacy is looking pretty attractive right about now. Not because we're falling on hard times or anything but because I don't know whether we're doing what we're doing right or whether or not my ideal relationship is realistic.

Or am I the problem?

It's simple deduction. If everything doesn't seem right then it's more likely that you are the problem. Maybe I really am the problem because everyone's fine the way things are. Everyone has daddy issues and live their lives just fine. Everyone is broken and still manage to wake up most mornings with a smile on their faces and generally continue on with life no matter their issues.

Why do I feel compelled to be perfect and in that, make my life perfect too. Why can't I have it all? Am I too much of an idealist?

Why can't I have things the way I want them?

I think I can. But I'm approaching things in the worst possible way, by trying to solve problems I have no control over. I think I should take the serenity prayer to heart.

'God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right If I surrender to Your Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen'