Progress: My life in Brief

It's been a week since my last post.... Gosh! Sounds like I'm in a confessional.... and It's going well... I decided to stop dating and just give up on relationships for the time being seeing as my life is filled with so much activity already.... I've got pressure coming from all sides, feel like an egg cracked under water leaving it all spherical and isht..... Science references?? Really?? Maybe you should date.. :P Aaaah! Ladies and Gents, I'd like to welcome you to a new commentator. Actually, he's pretty old and has always been present in my past posts mostly camouflaged as confusion. It's my inner voice.... I decided to include it my posts since he's pretty influential and mostly because Grey's Anatomy used that technique in this week's episode... I have to admit that it's more revealing than the usual commentary..... It's not looking at the present from the perspective of the future but in real time.... So this way, you get read what I'm thinking as I type it all up... Now they think you're crazy... Good Work Psychedelly... 

Anyway, back to the matter at hand....

Progress.....

Screeching Halt

That's what happened right now.... I stopped, I suddenly came to a screeching halt...

*I love it when I use my titles in my post*

Smoke everywhere
The smell of burning rubber in the air
I finally realised what my problem is........

For a while now I've been in such a rush to get to my destination, you know, that point in life where everything fits in.......

Your career
Your life's work
Your love life
Your beliefs

I've been driving myself crazy trying to get to that point where all these things will be sorted out and blooming in the midday sun, soaking up all the rays up in eternal bliss.......

where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

birthday month... *psyched*

It's 2am in the morning and I'm up this late partly because I was watching episodes 305 through 309 of Bleach- I'm a sucker for anime- and mainly because I'm slightly pressed.. hihihi! I can't go to sleep on a full bladder, I could but It'd be the epitome of discomfort.. Anyway, enough about my bladder.. It's finally birthday month and I have no idea what to do.... Typical, I set the whole month aside for my enjoyment with nothing planned, well you call it 'the lack of planning' and I say 'I shall let the force of randomness take me wherever it may'. I'm not quite sure this will be a great idea this year since last year tanked some other designs, I'm glad I didn't end up dying of boredom................


So, i think I'll play it safe this year and do a little light planning... 


*stares at screen*


Well, lets see.....


*engages check list*


 ✔ there's the combined birthday drink fest happening this Thursday... woohooo!!!! I'll be on water till then..  


✔ there's my birthday day party with all my friends and family... I'm trying not to be in the loop with this one but mother dearest keeps trying to forcefully share the load. My excuse however is that I help plan everyone else's down to cake selection so i think it'd be fun not to have to worry about my own birthday party preparations........... but it'd be a shame for me to let her do the work... Wish ??I could pawn off my helping her out as my birthday present to her.. *I wish*


✔ there's the surprise get together with beau........ trust me, with my general lack of expectations I'd be happy sharing ice-cream in a park....... *note to beau-> should not be taken seriously*


✔ there's the trip out of the country I'll be taking soon, I'll take that as a gift from the universe for all that crap it's laid on me all my life... ha! experience my foot........ I'll be sure to shop when I can.......


✔  there's beau's birthday... crap! can't believe I'll miss that but I'm certain they'll enjoy what I have planned for them... they deserve it.. :D *thinks*




this is harder than I thought....... *goes back to drawing board*


✔ there's my vow to be less lazy..... didn't quite start  on the right foot today but I'm sure that tomorrow will be better.... *50shs I won't be up by 9am tomorrow* ....


✔ there's also the hope that the universe won't screw me over this month finding myself at home unaware of all the fun people are having out there........ But seeing how the month has started there's hope.. Got to go out with friends and celebrate a friend's birthday.. It's always fun to be around close friends or people you can be yourself around.... Went for the Safaricom Classical Fusion Concert  and I must say It was whey better than last years.. I'd expect so but they outdid themselves........ I think it may also have had something to do with the crowd........... It's always fun when you have friends around..........


✔  there's some little stuff like keeping true to my cause and going pass this insane fear of failure I have....... It's terrible, it's the one thing stopping me from getting my drivers licence and turning all these ideas I have into reality..... See now this where I actually pat religion on the back because no matter how iffy their grounds on most of life's issues, it actually has a plan, even if it's nested in the vague phrase, 'you're in God's plan' but it's a plan nonetheless.... sigh! guess turning that fear into a strength will be this years main priority because it's turning out to one major roadblock........ *snap out of it*


This looks to have the potential of being a really awesome birthday month..


                                           ......... *crosses fingers* .......

my bubble burst.. hope yours does too

I'm under this assumption that people in Nairobi live in a modern bubble, deluding themselves with commercialism and the idea of being ultramodern. I feel so estranged when I meet my extended family to the point that I want to slap my mother and grandparents for depriving me with the right to know my own tribes language in the sake of being modern. The idea just annoys me. Since when was it logical to give up culture and tradition *when i say tradition i mainly mean language and family history* for western ways. I mean come on!!!! They're the west, there's the east and we are smack dab in the middle, the cultured ones. The ones who came from nothing to something in under 200 years. well, i think we came from something to nothing. Sometimes I wonder if we even are on the right track........
I mean the industrial revolution may have very well costed us our planet....... I've been reading on Buddhism and it makes a lot of sense... I think some way along there line we lost touch with what it means to be human.... Ask anyone now what it really means to live a good life and compare it with what our ancestors strived for.... See what i mean?? For a person living in the modern bubble mundane things like internet, alcohol, fashion and commercialism are actually moving up to the needs list.... As in come on???? Starving yourself to buy an item of clothing the size of my left butt cheek??? Really???? because it'll increase your quality of life??? BULLOCKS!!!!! I wouldn't be as pissed if we were more eastern.... I actually understand why China has all these restrictions on western culture and influence... The allure of freedom..... Yes, I said allure...
What is freedom anyway?? The ability to all you want when you want? Like a rape a poor defenceless woman and not have to worry about paying for your crimes?? No.... Then what is it? The entitlement of certain rights that are awarded through moral and ethical scrutiny???? Sounds good, don't it?? Well, I agree it does on paper but in reality morality and ethics have been torn to shreds by corruption, the modern social disease... I mean how do people who can't even move a car let alone drive it end up with driving licences in this country leading to the numerous accidents we've seen on tv..... So, i failed my first driving lesson... BOOHOO!!! I can always retake it, no biggie but the fact that I got canned while complete morons who don't know the difference between the ass and theri noses got theirs... Where's the limit I say??? That was the limit.... My bubble burst and I hit the ground hard. All these years I thought that hard work and honesty, things that make you a 'good person' morally and ethically, would get me ahead....... HA!!! Guess that's what happens when you have an old soul, thinking that old rules apply to new times... Things have changed alright.... What happened to us? When did it stop being about us, the human race and become about me, the selfish bastard that can leave garbage strewn across the planet at it's demise, for the world is my toilet eternally glued to my arse..... UTTER RUBBISH!!!
Human beings are a virus.......Rid the world of humans and nature will florish, fill it with humans and all you get is endless shit piles of junk we don't need but want and that will inevitably will us out of existence..... *breathes* See why I almost turned Buddhist... I mean with academic inflation and recessions what else will we be left with unemployed learned oafs who sit on their bums all day wishing they were dead.. I'd rather be finding narvana and exploring my spirituality, blocking all this pollution from my system in the process.......................
I mean really with all these things racing through my head how am I supposed to fit in?? Never did and never really will.... "Don't think about all that stuff, Dreamer, think about your life.. education.. marriage....all those bills you are going to pay...how you could end up losing your job because you don't agree morally with they're values... FUCK!! THAT!! SHIT!!!" .... *leaves home and joins a monastery... or at least plans to*

of dreams and fears

i've been having dreams of a recurrent nature.. i'm always in a town looking for a way out.. last time i had the dream some person i can't remember and i were running away from a gang of bikers.. we found ourselves in the 'luthuli avenue' and 'gikosh' sides of the town seeking refuge in one sufuria molding station.. we finally thought we'd lost them when a kid showed up out of nowhere creating such a ruckus that they found us again.. we managed to narrowly escape but we were on the run from then on, through the clothing stalls.. i remember pretending to be someone's child to get them off my trail.. that's about all i can remember..
then there's the one where i cycled to town and back a couple of times througj what reminds me of thika road.. it was through sections of finished and unfinished roads and trenches.. i still can't remember why they're was an underground train pass and a drop off point to some establishment i always couldn't find myself at before 6pm... i remember my daring stunts though.. epic! but the dust reminds of another dream.. mombasa.. spirits.. adventure.. and my need to reach a certain hotel to no avail.. now more dreams keep popping up fron my subconscious.. the long dusty windy road which i drove through to evade my captures at the time and the most recent town dream about trying to find my way home.. losing my friends, then my way, my shoe went next but i was able to find my shoelace only to find i hadnt lost my shoes.. looking through a list of buses in the area only to realise i was already home and woke up..
i'm always afraid of being attacked or trying to find my way somewhere or looking for an answer.. i guess my dreams are trying to tell me there's nothing to be afraid of and that all the answers i need have been right here inside me the whole time..
time to face my fears