where to start...... the beginning i guess...

I know, I know, I left my last blog post sort of half written and honestly, I haven't taken any effort to try and make it even the least bit understandable......... not because I don't want to but because that's what goes on in my head for most part of the day..... I know, why haven't I jumped off a cliff or even better, convinced one of my friends to send me off to Mathare and collect that 2000 kshs finders fees (apparently they actually pay you to drop of a loony.... either that, or I believe anything I'm told.. Not surprising...) Trust me, I've had my share of near death experiences to get the thought completely out of my head like elephants out of a rat infested pin... Apart from the constantly nagging thoughts and the urge to answer them, life pretty much rocks.. :D I may have hinted to some of my friends that I wanted to find a way to go on a 'trip' and I don't mean to Brazil... I've been contemplating finding and taking

love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

as things begin to settle down.. *breaths*

It's been three days since I gave them "time" to figure out whether or not they really wanted to be in the relationship.............. As expected, no communication whatsoever unless provoked and I frankly feel like if they really wanted to be in it they'd at least a show a little morsel of emotional attachment... 
As in come on??? 
Thought about breaking up with them once or twice over the weekend, wouldn't that be the easy way out? They wouldn't have to make up a silly excuse for breaking up with me then we'd both move on, somehow... Still don't get the whole situation though.. I know, why must I always make sense of it all... Three word, peace of mind... I'm one of those people who will literally make a mountain of a mole hill unless I get the facts straight... Hihihihi! Inside joke, anyway....... Uhm! where was I? facts straight, right.. In this case, I feel like we reversed roles and so I'd equate my past feelings and thoughts to his at the moment making the diagnosis for this relationship terminal, It's just my thoughts, not my actual feeling towards the situation which would be holding on to it all for dear life because honestly why start something with the hope of seeing it grow and back out at the slight sight of impending doom. In my own opinion doom is impending in all situations, c'est la vie. Mmh! Makes sense, don't it? So why the cold feet? Wait! I can't question the reason frankly because I'm not them but I can't get over the fact that they kept bringing up the possibility of all these bad stuff that would definitely not leave our relationship unscaved in their wake sort of like it had already happened and I was just too blind to see it or that they were just too chicken to tell me because they felt they'd hurt my feelings, well I'm sorry to say honesty doesn't hurt my feelings, it's logical, lies on the other hand will definitely leave a mark. It's all speculations, I'll just give them the time I offered hoping that my patience will last that long.
What did I get myself into?

you have got to be kidding me....

I must be part of the worst cosmic joke of the century because.....c'mon how can I have the best birthday month of all time followed by a shit load of random stupid events that literally want to drain me of my humanity....
October saw me doing a lot of things but I generally don't like talking about myself especially when it's all positive cz somewhere inside it feels like bragging101 and I'm just not that guy, hence the silence... Anyway, everything seems to be crashing down on my head and I feel like buying a gun and going after father time for this practical joke he calls life cz what the fuck!!.
So, when I left you all my relationship was all hunky dory, fact is, it's not... Thanks to karma I'm in the same situation I was in 9 months ago, only this time the shoes on the other foot... Yup, you got it, I'm the stable mature one and he practically has the coordinates for this relationship set to destruction... Part of the reason I even wanted to be in this damn relationship is because I had found the first imperfectly perfect person I'd ever liked. Let me expound on that,

my search for perfection..

I was just about done with blogger for the month, I had to face the fact that I didn't have any inspiration whatsoever during the month of August and that there was no way in all that is good in the world that it'd hit me right now when I really want to be in bed but alas! t'is the path the universe doth chosen for me... gosh! i sound like a raving lunatic.... so I better get this off my chest fast so I can be in bed by 1am... what? I love my sleep............ *attempts to save the situation by starting another paragraph*

My search for love could very well have been flawed from the beginning, yes, I'm admitting that I may actually have been wrong, okay! not entirely but wrong nonetheless.... I'll use the same principle we use in school, bad foundation = unstable building = inevitable collapse .. In my case, the building's collapsed a couple dozen times without even one thought put into the foundation.... an initial thought... that maybe, just maybe I'll find the perfect person........ 

I have to admit that is flawed reasoning right there, took me a while too. The constant badgering from my father to lower my standards and my mother's relentless efforts at finding the reason behind my 'situation'. I thought most parents would be happy to see their son focusing on the far more important issues that chasing tail round the town, I thought wrong........ or maybe it was the fact that i described myself as 'asexual' to get them off my back that's gotten them worried.... I honestly can't be arsed.. anyway, it all made sense a couple of minutes ago.

I'm not perfect so why should any other person be any different, right? I can't be on time for most appointments to save my life and I am probably the worst dancer on the face of the planet... *tries the electric slide to prove the point* so what? It only makes me human....... 

So why do I find it difficult to accept other people's faults? .. it's simple... I can accept them, it's just that my idea of 'perfection' isn't along the line of flawlessness - gosh! i think i made that up.. *adds entry to personal dictionary next to 'thingum'*- but shares the same light as compatibility.... 

I could very well be looking for a version of myself to date... came pretty close to that the other day but as luck would have it, they were taken..... the good ones always are.... I felt like a dunce, throwing myself at them like they were my purpose for living... almost like being without them was unfathomable..... love can be a total douche, when it want to... or is it infatuation, I get confused... *stares blankly into space* .... After the whole ordeal, i wound up back at square one, the foundation..... I was all for change, ready to break down the barrier I lifted up to keep me in check, ready to pounce on any one who passed through my obstacle course that was intellectual grading, spiritual self knowledge and basic conversational skills. Could I be happy with anyone? I think my dad would agree with that, don't think he's right though because the moment that wall came down, all hell broke loose.. I ended up causing more harm than good with the leading people on and literally ignoring passes directed at myself after it was clear it wasn't going anywhere... It's safe to say the walls back up and I'd rather die  single that be in an unhappy sham and a mockery of a relationship..

I got the hint, nobody's perfect..... so I'm just keeping an eye out for the flawed love of my life, wonder how many they'll be?? ... brings me to another point, 'true love'...... need to research on that one...... *gags at the thought of cupid in action* .........