The Broken Record that is my Life

I'm back to square one, I'm not shocked by this.
I always do the exact same time every single time.
I'm tired of talking about it.
But I have to.
I have to constantly remind myself so that I don't forget.
But I did.


*starts*

I'm always in such a hurry to enjoy life that I end up deluding myself into thinking I'm happy and content because the scenario I'm in is conducive to such emotions.
Either that or I have "chronic dissatisfaction".



I honestly think I do. My father pointed it out once, that's when I knew I was sunk. All I really want is to be with someone fun. I didn't know how hard that was until now. I met someone who fit the bill, sorta. It was the first honest relationship I'd had in a while. We both liked each other and it seemed like all my worries would be over.

You can tell there's a 'but' coming



But I didn't feel right. It felt like one of my past relationships, where I couldn't be myself. It was like I felt judgement whenever I walked out of the box they made. Like I was only allowed to be a certain percentage of myself around them, and anything more was frowned upon.
I'm a pretty wild character, I don't do well with confinement.
That was pretty relevant.
We broke up soon after.

I wasn't ready to be with someone who wasn't okay with letting me be myself. Part of being an emotionless psychopath, is that I never really know what I feel till it's too late. My one regret, is that I didn't try harder. I don't really feel it though. I honestly wouldn't have changed a thing I did. I just didn't want to be in a relationship but didn't want to lose a chance to find the person of my dreams.
They could have been.
Honestly.


But they weren't.

I deserve better.

This time I believe it.
It's not just talk.

I'm taking my time. No rush. I am not dating again for a long time.


Shoot me if you find a blog post about another failed relationship.

Le Passion

It's been a while since I posted, mostly because there has been nothing much to say, feel or express for the past couple weeks. They've been pretty routine filled with the usual back and forth I'm used to when I'm in school. This year is particularly important, it's my third year of a five year course and this is where the shit hits the fan. Being a typical technical subject, third year is jam packed with all units they could find that will basically form the foundation of the understanding of the subject. That, however isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

It's barely 7 am and I'm in school. Probably the only one here, for now. Oh, wait! Here's another student.... *forces a smile*
I know what you're thinking...
Is he in high school?
Why exactly are you in school so early?
and fundamentally,
Does he have a life?

Well,
No....
My course is intense
and
Sometimes

*From here on out my sentences will be jumbled up, it's just thoughts pouring out.*

Winter Winds

It's one of my favourite songs of the Mumford and Sons album, Sigh No More!
Here's an excerpt:


As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt

And my head told my heart
"Let love grow"
But my heart told my head
"This time no
This time no"

Looking back at the last two months, winter hit hard.... You know what I mean...
You're single for a loooooooooooooooooooong time that the first person that peaks interest is instantly taken under your arm

the man in the mirror

I just had one of those moments in life when shit hits you in the back of your head at full throttle straight from your past... I actually wouldn't call it shit, I'd call it a grain of rice that startled me enough for me to shit my pants leaving me humiliated and in search of a place of solace, namely, my head....

I have trust issues...

the universe is being unkind and i'm taking it like a man..

He opened my door and asked if i was leaving for town with him basically scaring me half to death. He opened my door and waltzed into my room like it was nothing, like my privacy wasn't worth respecting. For the record my own mother knocks so why does he just walk right in with an air of nonchalance. I lay in bed wondering how i'd explain it all in a way that wouldn't seem disrespectful, maybe through my mother or maybe on the ride to town. Just blurt it out as a way of breaking the mostly comforting silence between us. I can't be arsed to try and get to know him better, i know him well enough and we have nothing in common. I digressed. So how would i do it? wait! i live on a planet called 'passive aggressivon' and i'm their king so i'll just lock the door so that he gets the hint.
Problem solved and crisis averted.

I went shopping today. Planned to go with a few of my friends but the universe had other plans for them and i wasn't going to postpone the trip to gikomba on such a tiny technicality. I set off to the treasure chest that is gikomba to get a couple of things.
Tees with good prints.
Shoes, comfortable.
Jacket, all weather.
Beenie hats.
The trick about shopping in gikomba or any other open-air market is to try and not have a very specific idea of what you want cz u'll miss the really cool stuff that wouldn't fit ur criteria to the tee. I was there for the better part of the morning 'korogain' for shoes and rummaging through piles of clothes just to get one or two items. In other words, i was exhausted by 1.30. I got most of what i wanted, walked to town and met my step-mother who insisted she needed to take me shopping. HELLO! i'm not 8yrs old and secondly, don't you think u're overstepping the boundary just a bit.
It's a conspiracy i tell you.
'Attack of the estranged non-relatives' ..