love, faith and passion, among other things.. a year later and I'm still confused..

I've been going through a lot of my draft blog posts and this one struck me... I think I wrote it after my first break up early this year.... Something about trying to grasp the difference between love and empathy and I think I was on to something.....
"I've had a long week. Loads of assignments to do with deadlines that seem to have been set in an effort to make my life a living hell. Other than that my week has gone great and I had a realisation, actually more of an epiphany this Friday focusing on the basis of most of my relationship hurdles. Basically I keep confusing love with empathy, and with one being an emotion and the other an expression of other, you would wonder why this is so. I've kept needing to feel the love in one way, through actions. Not a large billboard on Uhuru Highway declaring their love but something like a random text, call or even a tiny note slipped into my hand after we meet to be read when ur not in shouting distance but is that what i want. I keep thinking about my needs and wants and the line between them is really thin. We all want different things, be it money, fame, a family, eternal life or just simply 'world peace' but our wants should fulfill a need one way or another. Let's take money for instance, we want money for security thus fulfilling our needs; food, shelter and clothing.
I need to be in love simply because I've......"

p.s you are the bad guy... but someone has to be...

I finally got to watch 'Easy A' this week and I have to admit it was a really good watch, other than the fact that I related with the main character(Emma Stone really did that part justice), it really did highlight on a lot of crucial issues that most teens go through(yes, I'm allowed to call myself a teen.. :D) ..... Anyway, I've never really felt like I was normal and fit, which I see right now as a good thing, who really want to be a mindless drone whose only mission is to bow under the pressure of commercialism and capitalism... but I didn't always feel that way, as in come on, it's far much easier to grow up feeling like part of something that trying to be be yourself no matter what anyone thinks, and boy was I different. The only thing that's changed is that individualism is cool and hip now so I actually fit in.... 

Glad that's over.. :)

Not entirely, so I have friends now who like me for me but relationship wise, the further you stray from the norm the less likely you are to find someone who'd take you as you are, and trust me, I am whey off the projected path... Anyway, I left you all at a crucial juncture in my relationship and as the days passed and got nearer to D- Day I actually realised that I was being an ignorant fuck, as in really Dreamer, if any of your friends pulled a stunt like this you'd have given then the lengthiest speech about self worth and keeping one's dignity(which some of my friends gave but I ignored because well, I like seeing how things work out) till they gave in. Took me a while figure out that it wasn't really going to end well because:

as things begin to settle down.. *breaths*

It's been three days since I gave them "time" to figure out whether or not they really wanted to be in the relationship.............. As expected, no communication whatsoever unless provoked and I frankly feel like if they really wanted to be in it they'd at least a show a little morsel of emotional attachment... 
As in come on??? 
Thought about breaking up with them once or twice over the weekend, wouldn't that be the easy way out? They wouldn't have to make up a silly excuse for breaking up with me then we'd both move on, somehow... Still don't get the whole situation though.. I know, why must I always make sense of it all... Three word, peace of mind... I'm one of those people who will literally make a mountain of a mole hill unless I get the facts straight... Hihihihi! Inside joke, anyway....... Uhm! where was I? facts straight, right.. In this case, I feel like we reversed roles and so I'd equate my past feelings and thoughts to his at the moment making the diagnosis for this relationship terminal, It's just my thoughts, not my actual feeling towards the situation which would be holding on to it all for dear life because honestly why start something with the hope of seeing it grow and back out at the slight sight of impending doom. In my own opinion doom is impending in all situations, c'est la vie. Mmh! Makes sense, don't it? So why the cold feet? Wait! I can't question the reason frankly because I'm not them but I can't get over the fact that they kept bringing up the possibility of all these bad stuff that would definitely not leave our relationship unscaved in their wake sort of like it had already happened and I was just too blind to see it or that they were just too chicken to tell me because they felt they'd hurt my feelings, well I'm sorry to say honesty doesn't hurt my feelings, it's logical, lies on the other hand will definitely leave a mark. It's all speculations, I'll just give them the time I offered hoping that my patience will last that long.
What did I get myself into?

you have got to be kidding me....

I must be part of the worst cosmic joke of the century because.....c'mon how can I have the best birthday month of all time followed by a shit load of random stupid events that literally want to drain me of my humanity....
October saw me doing a lot of things but I generally don't like talking about myself especially when it's all positive cz somewhere inside it feels like bragging101 and I'm just not that guy, hence the silence... Anyway, everything seems to be crashing down on my head and I feel like buying a gun and going after father time for this practical joke he calls life cz what the fuck!!.
So, when I left you all my relationship was all hunky dory, fact is, it's not... Thanks to karma I'm in the same situation I was in 9 months ago, only this time the shoes on the other foot... Yup, you got it, I'm the stable mature one and he practically has the coordinates for this relationship set to destruction... Part of the reason I even wanted to be in this damn relationship is because I had found the first imperfectly perfect person I'd ever liked. Let me expound on that,

birthday month... *psyched*

It's 2am in the morning and I'm up this late partly because I was watching episodes 305 through 309 of Bleach- I'm a sucker for anime- and mainly because I'm slightly pressed.. hihihi! I can't go to sleep on a full bladder, I could but It'd be the epitome of discomfort.. Anyway, enough about my bladder.. It's finally birthday month and I have no idea what to do.... Typical, I set the whole month aside for my enjoyment with nothing planned, well you call it 'the lack of planning' and I say 'I shall let the force of randomness take me wherever it may'. I'm not quite sure this will be a great idea this year since last year tanked some other designs, I'm glad I didn't end up dying of boredom................


So, i think I'll play it safe this year and do a little light planning... 


*stares at screen*


Well, lets see.....


*engages check list*


 ✔ there's the combined birthday drink fest happening this Thursday... woohooo!!!! I'll be on water till then..  


✔ there's my birthday day party with all my friends and family... I'm trying not to be in the loop with this one but mother dearest keeps trying to forcefully share the load. My excuse however is that I help plan everyone else's down to cake selection so i think it'd be fun not to have to worry about my own birthday party preparations........... but it'd be a shame for me to let her do the work... Wish ??I could pawn off my helping her out as my birthday present to her.. *I wish*


✔ there's the surprise get together with beau........ trust me, with my general lack of expectations I'd be happy sharing ice-cream in a park....... *note to beau-> should not be taken seriously*


✔ there's the trip out of the country I'll be taking soon, I'll take that as a gift from the universe for all that crap it's laid on me all my life... ha! experience my foot........ I'll be sure to shop when I can.......


✔  there's beau's birthday... crap! can't believe I'll miss that but I'm certain they'll enjoy what I have planned for them... they deserve it.. :D *thinks*




this is harder than I thought....... *goes back to drawing board*


✔ there's my vow to be less lazy..... didn't quite start  on the right foot today but I'm sure that tomorrow will be better.... *50shs I won't be up by 9am tomorrow* ....


✔ there's also the hope that the universe won't screw me over this month finding myself at home unaware of all the fun people are having out there........ But seeing how the month has started there's hope.. Got to go out with friends and celebrate a friend's birthday.. It's always fun to be around close friends or people you can be yourself around.... Went for the Safaricom Classical Fusion Concert  and I must say It was whey better than last years.. I'd expect so but they outdid themselves........ I think it may also have had something to do with the crowd........... It's always fun when you have friends around..........


✔  there's some little stuff like keeping true to my cause and going pass this insane fear of failure I have....... It's terrible, it's the one thing stopping me from getting my drivers licence and turning all these ideas I have into reality..... See now this where I actually pat religion on the back because no matter how iffy their grounds on most of life's issues, it actually has a plan, even if it's nested in the vague phrase, 'you're in God's plan' but it's a plan nonetheless.... sigh! guess turning that fear into a strength will be this years main priority because it's turning out to one major roadblock........ *snap out of it*


This looks to have the potential of being a really awesome birthday month..


                                           ......... *crosses fingers* .......