so i took a break... guess i'm still on it..

It's been more than a month since i last posted anything and in that time,

I've forgiven the ones who have hurt me,

tried to rekindle two old flames (really bad idea that one),

gotten stupid drunk and,

randomly found myself in a romantic 60's scene where the two partners fall asleep in each others hands in the back of a car.

Yes, I've had quite a month but i found myself reflecting on past experiences.. I guess you can't figure out where you are headed without remembering where you came from...

I think i'm over the lies... I remember there was time the mention of their name in any setting would have literally given me the shivers. I tend to internalize my feelings a lot so a shiver basically means i was at the brink of explosion. I tried finding closure after the event but that would have basically involved meeting them tété a tété and i honestly didn't want to be in the same room with them, period. I did what i knew best, I let time heal my wounds. Broke all ties, rebuild and learn't to live again, this time on my own. Arranged to meet with them this week so that I could clear the air and I'm sort of hoping i don't end up making things worse... hope it all goes well...

My exes? Yes, I tried and failed.. It would have worked out well if i could just erase their dumb memories.. I know, they are both perfect in their own rites but they hold too much against me..

Fine, I broke your heart..

Okay, I may have been a bitch then..

Well, anyone in my situation would have reacted the same way..

Sorry, I may have led you on a bit but I really like you..

Maybe I didn't really love you but it was close..

Can we start over?

Well, only utter that last statement if you are really sure you have changes.. Apparently I haven't changed nearly enough in both their eyes.. One's looking for a relationship where we'd basically be attached by the hip (needy much?) and the other just wants to be sure of my love.. I get it.. I'm not like the others and you are afraid I'll hurt you so leave me alone.. I don't want you to leave but the mixed signals are confusing.. One time you're okay with everything, the next you're not sure what you got yourself into.. You should take some time and figure it all out.. And that smoking habit won't be pretty in a few years when your teeth start to yellow.. I'm just saying...

I vowed to enjoy my youth by attending more parties and hanging out much and on one such occasion I agreed to get hooked up with this person who's hasn't been around much and it was like talking to myself, when I'm all gated and uncomfortable so the conversation wasn't that awesome. But then we got buzzed and we couldn't stop talking. Fine, the topic wasn't what one would call interesting (renewable energy and new age technologies), not much was talked about in terms of family relations and general likes but it was a breakthrough.. After a few too many, we danced (there was grinding), drank some more, danced again and finally ended up in the back of their car cuddling.. It was really cold outside so the shared warmth was just what we both needed.. In all that seemed like a second it was morning and things between us were awkward once again, figures! They're relatively older than the people i usually date so I may have adjust my needs if this takes off but I haven't gotten called back even after two texts.. Guess that ship has sailed.. I hope not..

This all got me thinking about the film, 'no strings attached' and how at this point of my life i should be after the most convenient situation for myself.. It should never be that complicated..

Typical.. :)

taking a break

In the past year, my heart's been stretched and pulled in all sorts of directions. Forcefully removed from someone else's chest to prevent them from the uneventful heartache they would have gone through in the event we did stay together, forcefully attemped at loving someone else who's heart readily falls for any living being and torn to shreds by another who would have been the one if only we didn't grow apart or tried so hard to love.
Three relationships.
Three heartaches.
Three mistakes? No!
Three opportunities to learn.
One lover missed.
One lover turned friend. No benefits.
One lover who didn't quite really get out of my chest. Still feel a bump when I hear they're off doing some random thing. Have to physically force myself not to care. 'You broke it for this exact reason. Stop it! They're their person, no need to care if they don't mean anything to you'
But it's a lie.
Just because I hide the feelings so well doesn't mean they don't exist.
I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

Maybe I need to be on my own for a while.
Someone did come around and stirred things up a little but to be quite honest, don't think they're my bucket of fish.
I should take a break.
Already found myself.
Confused us fuck.
Nothing's changed there.
But my heart does need a break.
But when it's all fixed up and ready for it
I'm sure i'll find that someone
Surely there's someone out there worth my time and effort
Someone who'd love me
And I them
Someone I wouldn't want to change or force myself to love.
But until then
My life's fine without any of that to complicate it
There's more to life than fleeting moments of passion or delusions of happiness
No matter how much better they make us feel.
But deep down inside
I'm sure I'm sure I'll find the perfect balance.

Tale of two matatus..

This week i have been subjected to two weird matatu scenarios.. First the matatu i took on Monday happened to run out of fuel as we left our bus stop and had to be pumped (this involves the conductor constantly massaging the fuel pipe) until we got to the petrol station. Couldn't help but laugh my ass off. Today was another story, the matatu lost battery power on the highway which left the conductor to push the van -with the help of two passengers, I'd have helped but my hands can't do jack- to the nearest bus stop where we got a replacement and were in town in no more than ten minutes. Still can't believe after all that the lecturer was a no-show.

Anyway, apart from the weird occurrences that always seem to happen in my life, I'd say everything is going on well considering i ended 'the' relationship. Sort of bummed that i did but i honestly felt like it was consuming me. Facing reality is one of the hardest things to do. Realizing that you can't lie to yourself anymore, that saying your happy will not miraculously change your situation or that you can change yourself for someone else without losing yourself or change them enough to be something close to what you imagined they should have been.
Love is the will to nurture life and growth in oneself and in another... Love is personal; it is the sacred trust of living things. Likewise, love is neither need nor dependency. 'I need you' is not the same as 'I love you'. Need as the basis of a relationship may lead one person to suffocate another through demands. Need may drive me to manipulate, intimidate, or coerce you into fulfilling me.

This excerpt from the 'Quaker : Advices and Queries' expresses my sentiments exactly..

'Love is so vastly different! It is freeing; it acknowledges the separateness of the beloved. It treasures the unique otherness of the beloved that is each one's contribution to the relationship. Love calls for submission and sacrifice. It does not seek to possess, but rather to empty itself in nurture of the loved one.

Donald A Green, 1982 '

I'm guessing love is just that, the emotion. You either have it or you don't. I don't think any amount of force could force you to love someone, it has to come from within. All that's there to do is to learn from past mistakes and use that to prevent the same thing from happening again. It was fun while it lasted minus the crazy bits in the middle.. :)Still trying to figure out what I'm feeling because it's hard to explain.. it's sorta in the middle of pain and relief but not quite there. It's like I'm feeling every emotion known to man all the time but I'll be okay. After all that I had to go through i think i found myself again.. and that's all that matters now.. And in the next relationship I'll be in I'll be sure to take all I've learnt straight to heart by taking it slow, easing into it and enjoying every second of it. :)

recoil

I've been feeling kinda emotionless of late. My friends can tell there's something off but i don't want to bother them with something as juvenile as a simple ' i don't feel anything any more'
Well, funny enough that's exactly how i felt when i started off this blog and as part of my plan towards fixing that I decided to start afresh thus the post 'nuevo inizio' which means new beginnings. I usually feel this way after a break up. As a ploy to mask my emotions i tend to put them all 'kwa kaburi kusahau' as the Swahili phrase goes and let the wound heal enough for the pain to go away so that i can deal with the emotions separately. I'm still in a relationship by the way but I don't think my heart's in it anymore and that scares me. We may not have broken up but my heart has been drifting away from it all for a while now. Truth is I don't want to not be in love but at the same time my heart's recoiled.
Basically all that's left for me to do is, sit back and see what my heart will decide. Then there's the thing about me being a hopeless boyfriend. I guess i was trying to figure out what i want from the person I'm with and as my needs changed i guess they felt under appreciated. I've got so much to figure out that it makes me wonder how my life got so screwed up so fast.
Guess i need to find myself again, live my life day by day..

I did it!

I did it!
I did it because it was broken,
because i wasn't myself around you,
I did it because I broke it,
I did it because you broke it,
I did it because we broke it,
I did it because I wasn't happy,
I did it because I tried to be happy,
Why should I force myself to be happy,
force myself to want less than I need
all because of love??
then love became my undoing
slowly draining the life out of me,
telling me that everything would be okay if only i loved
and what of the one i love
what if I am conformed in their presence
unsure of myself
afraid to do wrong in their eyes
did i hastely love?
dive in feet first and realise that i was two minutes away from hypothermia with no straw to clutch on
i miss it though
the cold chill like a drug
slowly sending me under
confusing my senses and blurring my vision
i hurt us both
oh gosh! it's my fault
i let myself go on living a lie
i knew we'd hurt at one point
all i wanted to do was prolong the inevitable
stay in limbo
happy
comfortable
yet troubled
my life will change
your life too
we'll adjust and that hurts me the most
that it'll all be a memory someday
no longer gnawing at my neck
sucking the life out of me

i settled for what you gave me
grew tired of asking
lived with what i got
'battered woman syndrome' i suppose
but it wasn't fair for us
and this will solve more problems than it'll cause
you'll be happy and so will I
so this chapter of our lives is finished
no dramatic fight
no unjustified ending
no resentment
we're free!!


#avril lavigne - what the hell