Tale of two matatus..

This week i have been subjected to two weird matatu scenarios.. First the matatu i took on Monday happened to run out of fuel as we left our bus stop and had to be pumped (this involves the conductor constantly massaging the fuel pipe) until we got to the petrol station. Couldn't help but laugh my ass off. Today was another story, the matatu lost battery power on the highway which left the conductor to push the van -with the help of two passengers, I'd have helped but my hands can't do jack- to the nearest bus stop where we got a replacement and were in town in no more than ten minutes. Still can't believe after all that the lecturer was a no-show.

Anyway, apart from the weird occurrences that always seem to happen in my life, I'd say everything is going on well considering i ended 'the' relationship. Sort of bummed that i did but i honestly felt like it was consuming me. Facing reality is one of the hardest things to do. Realizing that you can't lie to yourself anymore, that saying your happy will not miraculously change your situation or that you can change yourself for someone else without losing yourself or change them enough to be something close to what you imagined they should have been.
Love is the will to nurture life and growth in oneself and in another... Love is personal; it is the sacred trust of living things. Likewise, love is neither need nor dependency. 'I need you' is not the same as 'I love you'. Need as the basis of a relationship may lead one person to suffocate another through demands. Need may drive me to manipulate, intimidate, or coerce you into fulfilling me.

This excerpt from the 'Quaker : Advices and Queries' expresses my sentiments exactly..

'Love is so vastly different! It is freeing; it acknowledges the separateness of the beloved. It treasures the unique otherness of the beloved that is each one's contribution to the relationship. Love calls for submission and sacrifice. It does not seek to possess, but rather to empty itself in nurture of the loved one.

Donald A Green, 1982 '

I'm guessing love is just that, the emotion. You either have it or you don't. I don't think any amount of force could force you to love someone, it has to come from within. All that's there to do is to learn from past mistakes and use that to prevent the same thing from happening again. It was fun while it lasted minus the crazy bits in the middle.. :)Still trying to figure out what I'm feeling because it's hard to explain.. it's sorta in the middle of pain and relief but not quite there. It's like I'm feeling every emotion known to man all the time but I'll be okay. After all that I had to go through i think i found myself again.. and that's all that matters now.. And in the next relationship I'll be in I'll be sure to take all I've learnt straight to heart by taking it slow, easing into it and enjoying every second of it. :)

recoil

I've been feeling kinda emotionless of late. My friends can tell there's something off but i don't want to bother them with something as juvenile as a simple ' i don't feel anything any more'
Well, funny enough that's exactly how i felt when i started off this blog and as part of my plan towards fixing that I decided to start afresh thus the post 'nuevo inizio' which means new beginnings. I usually feel this way after a break up. As a ploy to mask my emotions i tend to put them all 'kwa kaburi kusahau' as the Swahili phrase goes and let the wound heal enough for the pain to go away so that i can deal with the emotions separately. I'm still in a relationship by the way but I don't think my heart's in it anymore and that scares me. We may not have broken up but my heart has been drifting away from it all for a while now. Truth is I don't want to not be in love but at the same time my heart's recoiled.
Basically all that's left for me to do is, sit back and see what my heart will decide. Then there's the thing about me being a hopeless boyfriend. I guess i was trying to figure out what i want from the person I'm with and as my needs changed i guess they felt under appreciated. I've got so much to figure out that it makes me wonder how my life got so screwed up so fast.
Guess i need to find myself again, live my life day by day..

I did it!

I did it!
I did it because it was broken,
because i wasn't myself around you,
I did it because I broke it,
I did it because you broke it,
I did it because we broke it,
I did it because I wasn't happy,
I did it because I tried to be happy,
Why should I force myself to be happy,
force myself to want less than I need
all because of love??
then love became my undoing
slowly draining the life out of me,
telling me that everything would be okay if only i loved
and what of the one i love
what if I am conformed in their presence
unsure of myself
afraid to do wrong in their eyes
did i hastely love?
dive in feet first and realise that i was two minutes away from hypothermia with no straw to clutch on
i miss it though
the cold chill like a drug
slowly sending me under
confusing my senses and blurring my vision
i hurt us both
oh gosh! it's my fault
i let myself go on living a lie
i knew we'd hurt at one point
all i wanted to do was prolong the inevitable
stay in limbo
happy
comfortable
yet troubled
my life will change
your life too
we'll adjust and that hurts me the most
that it'll all be a memory someday
no longer gnawing at my neck
sucking the life out of me

i settled for what you gave me
grew tired of asking
lived with what i got
'battered woman syndrome' i suppose
but it wasn't fair for us
and this will solve more problems than it'll cause
you'll be happy and so will I
so this chapter of our lives is finished
no dramatic fight
no unjustified ending
no resentment
we're free!!


#avril lavigne - what the hell