Meh!

 I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. Why am I here again?

I'm in a job that I don't like in a field I'm not passionate about doing work that I don't care for.

I'm out here looking for PD options so that I can show how great I am to have in these companies. Do they want me? Am I dilusional? What am I even doing here?

The answer is I'm not sure. I feel like I'm doing all the things one should to move ahead in life but hating every moment of it.

The Spirit Moves Me

 It's 2021

COVID has been part of our collective reality for more than a year now

I haven't felt inpired to write in years

Today of all days is the day my sould feels the consumed by the need to jot don all my thoughts in one swoop. 

My thoughts jumbled and falling over each other as the torent of words try to leave my brain hoping to flow out of my mouth in a coherent manner.

Here I am sitting on my couch with my cat next to me as a wonderful man makes us dinner while I fret over my work situation and the looming fear of the premature death of a loved one.

That's where I am now.

Alive. Healthy. In a foreign land. Loved. Constantly thinking about what my next should be while simultaneously leiving in the moment.

I would say 2021 ismy most productive year yet.

• I learnt how to touch-type - I'm still not perfect but boy has my typing speed and accuracy excelled (and spelling btw)
• I sought for balance in my life wth all the things I am passionate about.
• I pursued a new project and surprisngly excelled in it - I need to get on the next chapter soon.
• I found love during the time of Corona (a working title)
• I started taking month long breaks between birthday fueled brunches and fun latenight dance parties

But with all of that I still havea lot to work on like

• My sould sucking job that I love when I'm actually soing my job
• I haven't been saving as much as I should but I'm working on it even though I'm being paid peanuts
• I still don't know what my next step is - work, second masters or PhD
• I'm out to my mum but still feel unable to share my happiness with her - That will basically be a whole book

Anyway, I'm foreseeing myself writing a book

I don't know what on

I   don;t know by when

I don't even know what about but...

...the spirit moves me

The Never Ending Cycle

I'm basically looking back at my posts to try and figure out why I'm always stuck in the same situations.

#1

Boy goes on date.
Boy meets individual.
Boy flirts with individual.
Individual flirts back.
Boy thinks things are going well.
Boy never meets individual again.

#2

Boy meets interesting individual.
Boy and individual get close.
The sex is great.
Boy catches feelings.
Individual doesn't want to be in a state where feelings exist.
Boy pretends to not have feelings.
Feeling leak.
Feelings really leak.
Boy becomes hotbed of feelings.
Individual backs away.
Boy turns into a stalker.

#3

Boy meets individual.
Individual instantly likes boy.
Boy doesn't feel the same way.
Boy pulls away because he doesn't want to hurt individual's feelings.
Individual gets feelings hurt regardless of what boy does.

On their own, these scenarios can be handled.
However, on some days like today, when they are happening at once, life can seem like it is kicking you in the balls.
I just want to be with someone that gets me and wants to be with me, that I like back and wants to do stuff.
Is that too much to ask for?

You Make Me Irrational

You make me irrational

You make me feel alive without even trying

It sort of feels like a flood of love and sadness

A feeling of joy in the connection of our beings

But a darkness hovers at the realisation that it might not be real

That it is all made up in the canvas of my mind
Therein lies the truth of my own self-manipulation

You make me irrational

Having let me in only to throw me out

Discarded like a piece of trash

My feelings justified by the lack of action

The lack of intimacy

The lack of care

But like a tortured dog

I always return to my master for scraps

You make me irrational

My heart bleeds for you

But I do not exist

Only to your eyes when we meet, if we do meet

But to your heart, I'm only a bleep on your radar

Or so I think

I quite possibly do not exist on that plane of your reality
Forever transfixed between universes
In a limbo of uncertainty

You make me irrational

I want you to say it

To say that you love me and that it tears you apart

That you are consumed by the fire that is your love for me, and the thought of my existence

That herein stands the only person that could ever understand you

That would truly love you

That truly sees you

That accepts you
But that would be a lie
For I am one of many fountains that quench your thirst
That substantiate you existence, making you know that you are truly alive
An selfish act in itself

You make me irrational

I want to scream

But I lay here motionless, paralysed by it all

Hating myself for having tore open the wound that was healing

Watching the blood gush hoping that it stops

That you will come by my side and tend to it

As the sun chases after the moon

Or is it the moon to the sun?
In a perpetual dance
Only to meet for minutes
A breathtaking spectacle, that they each hold on to until they meet again

You make me irrational

You're probably asleep

Unaware of the despair you have caused

Unaware of my brooding heart

Unaware of the longing I feel

Unaware of the love that I seek

Unaware of the love I think you hold
Completely oblivious

You make me irrational

You make me doubt myself

You make me hate myself

You make me hate you

You make me do nothing

For it is all my cross to bare

My reality

My wounds

My suffering

Devoid of your existence

I make myself irrational.
You don't deserve me.

Change.

Change isn't always warranted but sometimes you just need to start afresh without literally starting afresh.